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4.5 stars. I think I'll need to revisit this one over the next few years. I love the emphasis on helping kids grow their own skills in an age-appropriate way. Like most good parenting books, this is as much about changing your parental perspective as changing your kids. I appreciated the breadth of topics that Icard covers, as there are many complex topics in the world, outside of the typical drugs, sex, and rock & roll. The text is fairly belief agnostic as well, and I think it would work for many belief systems as far as exactly what traits you'd like your children to learn.
As with most parenting books, I found the example conversations a little too convenient, in that one of the chief problems with this pre-teen age is that they're often just not able to articulate the problem, or they're flat out not in a mood to talk it out (often for hours or days). However, with patience, I think this is a workable framework for improving conversation with your preteen, which feels very much like the book's goal.
Recommended for parents of preteens who have found a dearth of information on this transformative age.
As with most parenting books, I found the example conversations a little too convenient, in that one of the chief problems with this pre-teen age is that they're often just not able to articulate the problem, or they're flat out not in a mood to talk it out (often for hours or days). However, with patience, I think this is a workable framework for improving conversation with your preteen, which feels very much like the book's goal.
Recommended for parents of preteens who have found a dearth of information on this transformative age.
Yeah this is pretty good. Acknowledges systemic and racial injustices in child rearing. Acknowledges gender and sexuality. Doesn't really touch on disability or neurodivergence. Has a couple cringe instances of copaganda and using the word "tribe" appropriatively (tho she changes to "village" toward the end of the book). The lessons and insights felt mostly correct, but I'll approach them more cautiously given those red flags.
I took extensive notes and am already applying lessons to talking with my kid.
Thank you for recording an audiobook.
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Notes from each chapter
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1. Parent child relationship, and how to use the BRIEF model of interaction. B begin peaceably. R relate to kid. I interview for data. E echo what you heard. F offer feedback.
2. Independence and how to become your kid's assistant manager. How can I support you in safe unsupervised exploration?
3. Changing friendships and how to encourage boundaries, dignity, choice and exploration, and to avoid burning bridges.
4. Creativity including supporting their small business attempts and fails, asking building questions then stepping back. Creative social media feels good while passive social media can have a negative effect.
5. Taking care of yourself includes hygiene, nutrition, self care, sleep, mental health, risky substances, suicide and self harm. Parent job is to help solve problems. Bring up topics briefly and often.
6. Fairness, equality, and equity are subjective and personal feelings very important to adolescents. Kid might have different understanding of fairness than you. Don't give equal, give tools needed to succeed. Active listening, clear definitions expectations, curiosity, defining what growth looks like, team mentality.
7. Technology changes so take adaptive approach. Set limits but don't take away phone. Ask kid to research & report on new apps. Teach you and decide together if it's safe. Ok to say yes, let's try it but agree to stop if it impacts life negatively.
8. Criticism and feedback are hard. Ask how kid wants to deal with it, don't fix it yourself, shame, exhaust, expect perfection. Focus feedback on strengths. What are you best at, what strengths could help here, what worked before? Constructive not destructive. Don't interview for pain like a frenemy.
9. Hard work feels subjective and separate from results. Find kid's motivation: internal/external and positive/negative.
Hyperfocus and perfectionism burnout from prolonged stress can lower immunity, increase substance use, emotional isolation, cynicism. Let kid stop.
Winning vs growing season. The seed you plant today is not the fruit you eat today. Some people born on 3rd base think they hit a triple.
Parallel work, celebrate small wins, chunk work, milestones, count getting up not falling, praise attitude, take breaks, share good and bad.
Worth is not dependent on success.
10. Money is unfair and a huge systemic intergenerational barrier. Don't be an asshole. Brand loyalty can signal belonging when kids feel awkward in bodies.
Establish purchasing wait periods. $5 = 5 mins, $100 = 1 week. Regret. Marketing strategies. Emotions. How will you feel after you spend this money? Cravings: Why do you want to spend this? When, how long do spending cravings last?
11. Sexuality is important to bring up briefly and often not all at once. Consent, power, health and safety, happiness, fulfilment. Parents should be more specific and collaborative (listen) in safety talks.
Pornography exposure around age 11, and active searching by age 14. Some good books to get for the kid are: For Goodness Sex; Sexploitation; Queer; Girls and Sex; Respect.
Practice saying no when caught off guard. 9/10 kids lie instead of saying no.
Don't body shame. Sexy dress can catch eye of crush, but also eye of creep. Not your fault or responsibility but be aware and prepared. You look grown up, maybe so grown up you'll get reactions from adults that might make you uncomfortable. Let's talk and you decide what to do.
Be specific, provide collaborative guidance, no shame, establish guidelines for physical, emotional, and time/attention. Labels are ok and can change. Be supportive, not dismissive or judgmental.
12. Reputation includes discussion of systemic racism where white kids can rebel in ways that are unsafe for Black and brown kids. Find ways to have good rule breaking.
How to have present self do favor for future self when kids are egocentric and present centric.
Kids lie to protect friends, avoid consequences, keep privacy. Avoid putting kid in position to lie.
If world got too big, make it smaller with clear path for growth and to earn back trust and privileges (including meaningful difficult conversations). Be patient non judgmental listener
Reputation management: gossip, do you have all the info? Only talk with trusted family friends. Is mental physical health at risk? Mistakes are opportunity to apologize: explain mistake, acknowledge who you hurt and how, explain what you'd do differently, accept consequences.
Nudes are going to come up. 2018 journal of association of pediatrics reported 14.8% if kids sent and 27.4% received nudes.
Prep what to say if you or friend is asked. Practice saying no if caught off guard. Curious is okay, curious isn't ready. Revenge, social consequences, delete if someone sends. Support victim / target.
13. Impulsivity can be mitigated by encouraging critical thinking without shame, and thinking about how kid makes decisions. Which situations benefit from restraint and forethought, and which benefit from bravery and spontaneity? Kids do better when they understand what drives behaviour.
Was mistake because you wanted it or because you didn't stop to think? Differentiate between sensation seeking and impulsivity. Find safe adventure.
This is the chapter with copaganda. Kinda weird and off base to use cops as an example of growing from impulsivity.
14. Helping others is difficult when adolescents are egocentric and reasonably afraid of bullies focusing on them. Upstander vs bystander. At minimum, smile and talk with target / victim. Others may join if you speak up.
The book ends with a heads up about kids pulling away around the holidays, reiterating the need to make plans collaboratively, and to make use of your "village" in child rearing. Expect mistakes and teach your kid to say "oh well" and move forward.
There is a Facebook group that doesn't seem very active despite having many members.
I took extensive notes and am already applying lessons to talking with my kid.
Thank you for recording an audiobook.
-----
Notes from each chapter
------
1. Parent child relationship, and how to use the BRIEF model of interaction. B begin peaceably. R relate to kid. I interview for data. E echo what you heard. F offer feedback.
2. Independence and how to become your kid's assistant manager. How can I support you in safe unsupervised exploration?
3. Changing friendships and how to encourage boundaries, dignity, choice and exploration, and to avoid burning bridges.
4. Creativity including supporting their small business attempts and fails, asking building questions then stepping back. Creative social media feels good while passive social media can have a negative effect.
5. Taking care of yourself includes hygiene, nutrition, self care, sleep, mental health, risky substances, suicide and self harm. Parent job is to help solve problems. Bring up topics briefly and often.
6. Fairness, equality, and equity are subjective and personal feelings very important to adolescents. Kid might have different understanding of fairness than you. Don't give equal, give tools needed to succeed. Active listening, clear definitions expectations, curiosity, defining what growth looks like, team mentality.
7. Technology changes so take adaptive approach. Set limits but don't take away phone. Ask kid to research & report on new apps. Teach you and decide together if it's safe. Ok to say yes, let's try it but agree to stop if it impacts life negatively.
8. Criticism and feedback are hard. Ask how kid wants to deal with it, don't fix it yourself, shame, exhaust, expect perfection. Focus feedback on strengths. What are you best at, what strengths could help here, what worked before? Constructive not destructive. Don't interview for pain like a frenemy.
9. Hard work feels subjective and separate from results. Find kid's motivation: internal/external and positive/negative.
Hyperfocus and perfectionism burnout from prolonged stress can lower immunity, increase substance use, emotional isolation, cynicism. Let kid stop.
Winning vs growing season. The seed you plant today is not the fruit you eat today. Some people born on 3rd base think they hit a triple.
Parallel work, celebrate small wins, chunk work, milestones, count getting up not falling, praise attitude, take breaks, share good and bad.
Worth is not dependent on success.
10. Money is unfair and a huge systemic intergenerational barrier. Don't be an asshole. Brand loyalty can signal belonging when kids feel awkward in bodies.
Establish purchasing wait periods. $5 = 5 mins, $100 = 1 week. Regret. Marketing strategies. Emotions. How will you feel after you spend this money? Cravings: Why do you want to spend this? When, how long do spending cravings last?
11. Sexuality is important to bring up briefly and often not all at once. Consent, power, health and safety, happiness, fulfilment. Parents should be more specific and collaborative (listen) in safety talks.
Pornography exposure around age 11, and active searching by age 14. Some good books to get for the kid are: For Goodness Sex; Sexploitation; Queer; Girls and Sex; Respect.
Practice saying no when caught off guard. 9/10 kids lie instead of saying no.
Don't body shame. Sexy dress can catch eye of crush, but also eye of creep. Not your fault or responsibility but be aware and prepared. You look grown up, maybe so grown up you'll get reactions from adults that might make you uncomfortable. Let's talk and you decide what to do.
Be specific, provide collaborative guidance, no shame, establish guidelines for physical, emotional, and time/attention. Labels are ok and can change. Be supportive, not dismissive or judgmental.
12. Reputation includes discussion of systemic racism where white kids can rebel in ways that are unsafe for Black and brown kids. Find ways to have good rule breaking.
How to have present self do favor for future self when kids are egocentric and present centric.
Kids lie to protect friends, avoid consequences, keep privacy. Avoid putting kid in position to lie.
If world got too big, make it smaller with clear path for growth and to earn back trust and privileges (including meaningful difficult conversations). Be patient non judgmental listener
Reputation management: gossip, do you have all the info? Only talk with trusted family friends. Is mental physical health at risk? Mistakes are opportunity to apologize: explain mistake, acknowledge who you hurt and how, explain what you'd do differently, accept consequences.
Nudes are going to come up. 2018 journal of association of pediatrics reported 14.8% if kids sent and 27.4% received nudes.
Prep what to say if you or friend is asked. Practice saying no if caught off guard. Curious is okay, curious isn't ready. Revenge, social consequences, delete if someone sends. Support victim / target.
13. Impulsivity can be mitigated by encouraging critical thinking without shame, and thinking about how kid makes decisions. Which situations benefit from restraint and forethought, and which benefit from bravery and spontaneity? Kids do better when they understand what drives behaviour.
Was mistake because you wanted it or because you didn't stop to think? Differentiate between sensation seeking and impulsivity. Find safe adventure.
This is the chapter with copaganda. Kinda weird and off base to use cops as an example of growing from impulsivity.
14. Helping others is difficult when adolescents are egocentric and reasonably afraid of bullies focusing on them. Upstander vs bystander. At minimum, smile and talk with target / victim. Others may join if you speak up.
The book ends with a heads up about kids pulling away around the holidays, reiterating the need to make plans collaboratively, and to make use of your "village" in child rearing. Expect mistakes and teach your kid to say "oh well" and move forward.
There is a Facebook group that doesn't seem very active despite having many members.
informative
Just when communication with kids growing into their tween and teen years becomes more crucial, it simultaneously becomes increasingly challenging. What tween wants to talk to their parents about personal hygiene, sex or social struggles? Michelle Icard has written a guide for those years when finding out about your child's day or who they've been hanging out with is like pulling teeth, demonstrating that it is possible — with the right strategies. There was lots of great information here, as well as suggested tips and realistic conversation starters. Due to waiting lists at the library I had to return it before I had a chance to absorb as much as I wanted, but I'll be requesting again.
One of the few parenting books that I've read in its entirety! Michelle Icard's writing is very conversational and there are definitely topics/suggestions that I will think about and practice with my daughters.
Very readable, non-preachy instruction manual for maybe, hopefully getting through the teen years with some grace. Funny at times and straight-forward, with some really useful insight into the very different world our teens live in compared to previous pre-Internet generations. While it's not fun reading, it's quite useful.
informative
medium-paced
This is such a fantastic tool for getting through the middle school years. It really got me thinking, and I will continue to use it as a reference. This is one to purchase, not borrow.
I received a complimentary copy of this book through Netgalley. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
As a parent of a middle schooler, I have been eagerly looking forward to Michelle Icard's follow-up to Middle School Makeover. In 14 Talks by Age 14, she gives loads of practical, useful wisdom on how to broach some of the most difficult topics that come up in adolescence. The BRIEF model she uses provides a great framework for starting a discussion, with the flexibility to adapt to your own family's needs. While much of what was discussed are things we already do, reading this book definitely helped identify the weak spots where my spouse and I could do better! I highly recommend to anyone who is looking to build or maintain two-way dialogue with their tween or teen, built on trust rather than just lecturing them.
As a parent of a middle schooler, I have been eagerly looking forward to Michelle Icard's follow-up to Middle School Makeover. In 14 Talks by Age 14, she gives loads of practical, useful wisdom on how to broach some of the most difficult topics that come up in adolescence. The BRIEF model she uses provides a great framework for starting a discussion, with the flexibility to adapt to your own family's needs. While much of what was discussed are things we already do, reading this book definitely helped identify the weak spots where my spouse and I could do better! I highly recommend to anyone who is looking to build or maintain two-way dialogue with their tween or teen, built on trust rather than just lecturing them.
