2.93k reviews for:

Split or Swallow

Lindsay Straube

3.54 AVERAGE

adventurous medium-paced
Plot or Character Driven: Plot
Strong character development: Yes
Loveable characters: Yes

I was warned that this is unhinged but omg this is so unhinged. Will I continue the series? Of course.
slow-paced
Plot or Character Driven: N/A
Strong character development: No
Loveable characters: No
Diverse cast of characters: No
Flaws of characters a main focus: Yes
adventurous dark tense slow-paced
Plot or Character Driven: A mix
Strong character development: Yes
Loveable characters: Yes
Diverse cast of characters: Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus: Yes

Omg this book took me so long to read! Not what I expected and you know what? I kinda enjoyed parts of it but I just couldn’t move past the love triangle vibes. Just let her be with Caspen and move on 😂 
adventurous emotional mysterious tense fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven: Character
Strong character development: Yes
Loveable characters: Complicated
Diverse cast of characters: Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus: Yes
funny medium-paced
Plot or Character Driven: Character
Strong character development: No
Loveable characters: Complicated
Diverse cast of characters: No
Flaws of characters a main focus: Yes

 
Review TLDR: Guys, I won’t lie to you – this book is trash. Trashy, trashy, trash. But I swear I have never laughed so hard or been so amazed at an author’s audacity as I was with this book. I would almost argue that some parts are so bad they loop around to being good again. I mean, the premise alone is fucking bonkers, but if you can let go of wondering how many drugs the author must have been on while creating this story, it can be a damn good time. 

Spice Level: 5/5; open door (cave?), lots of details. Too many details. I did not need to know as much as I do about one of the MMC’s family members. As for the romance, it’s…something else. The prince and the Snakeman compete for Tem’s affections while she tries to figure out if she’s more into monster fucking than into being a queen someday. I won’t lie – I think Leo was way kinder and more understanding of this conundrum than Tem had any right to expect. Because I would not be able to get over sharing my bride-to-be with someone who sheds their skin on the regular, you know? 
 All that said, there is genuine heart in this romance – if you’re looking for a story with angst, yearning, and a whole lot of consummating all those painful feels, Straube has got your back. There’s a reason this book was able to grab enough of an audience for a traditional publisher to pick it up. 

Pacing/Filler: Interestingly, and this may be due to the story’s original form as an online serial, the book never feels like it drags. The prose and the premise may not be for everyone, but there’s no denying that the author knows how to keep things interesting even without big set pieces. There are definitely scenes that carry more weight than others (meeting the prince, for instance, was about more than just meeting the rich brat who is holding a beauty pageant for a wife), but I never felt bored. I did also appreciate the serial nature of the chapters given how large this book is (528 pages!) as it gave me obvious points to take breaks without feeling like I was breaking the narrative. 

Character Development: This author doesn’t do subtle. Or original. In fact, Straube doesn’t really foreshadow the big reveal about Tem so much as wave a glowing neon sign while beating you to death with one of those long boards roadside sign-twirlers use. But that’s for later. To start off, Tem is the classic “has paint on her overalls and wears a ponytail” type FMC; her self-esteem is in the gutter because she’s (gasp!) a chicken farmer! As if eggs aren’t amazing and the basis of all cookies and cakes. But clearly she’s unfuckable because of this, so she starts the book worried the basilisk will refuse to train her due to inexperience in bed. Yet, somehow, when she meets the basilisk, her nerves give her the magical property of not being like other girls. So, she’s got that going for her, which is nice. 

 And that’s pretty much how the entire character arc goes: she assumes she’s the literal worst at everything she tries, but turns out she’s the best. Over and over again. So good that... (spoiler) the SNAKE DECIDES TO CREATE A SUICIDE PACT ENGAGEMENT WITH HER AFTER MEETING HER TWICE. Holy shit, the power of taking off the glasses and standing up straight cannot be denied. Even the human prince is not immune to this sorcery. You’d think being constantly amazing at stuff would be a decent confidence booster for Tem, but it’s been a minute since I was a hot teenager so maybe I’m just not remembering the hormone-induced angst of being 20 years old. Her constant warbling between confidence and self-derision gets old fast though, as does her constant waffling between the two MMCs; she yells at them like it’s their fault she has plot armor-hotness, but no brains to match. 

 Speaking of the prince, Leo is the sanest character in the book. He’s also a rarity: imagine a blonde MMC! Think if Draco Malfoy didn’t suck as a human being…mostly. He knows this matchmaking thing is bonkers and doesn’t want to play along. He hates his dad for making him go through with it (and for other, equally relatable reasons). He hates all the girls for acting like gibbering morons whenever he’s around. He only stops hating Tem because she decides she doesn’t want to sleep with him immediately. Something to be said for playing hard to get, I suppose. Sadly, as in all “why choose” romances, one of the MMCs gets the short stick in character development. In this case, it’s Leo. Poor thing never really gets to make any big decisions for himself. 

 Which brings us to the last of the triangle. Yes, this book spends most of its time as a love triangle. Prepare yourself accordingly. Snakeman (yes, he has a name. It’s Caspenon. But honestly, Snakeman works so much better. Because HE’S A SEX SNAKE), when he chooses to go human, is your standard “stupidly tall, dark-haired, and has a dick of the size that both hands can’t handle” romantasy hero. He grunts. He scowls. He apparently has the power to make semen-based, two-way Bluetooth vibrators he controls with his mind. No, you didn’t have a stroke reading that. It really happened, and he uses this power to interfere with Tem’s meetings with the prince. Because it turns out snakes can catch feelings…like jealousy, and how to be a petty motherfucker about it. Snakeman’s arc is learning to share Tem with others – you know, since that’s the point of the training.   

World Building: Ok, so let’s start with the obvious: why the fuck do humans need to be taught how to have sex by giant snakes? The USB stick goes into the USB port, people. It ain’t rocket science. Second, why are a bunch of peasant girls picked to be trained in the baby making – is this kingdom so small that there aren’t enough rich or noble girls around for the prince to pick from? Anyway, now that you know the premise of the story – poor girl makes good by impressing a snake-man with her Kvothe-esque ability to be a sex god without ever having had sex before, thus getting to meet and seduce a prince – we can marvel at a world where humans can defeat basilisks in battle, but can’t figure out how to reproduce effectively without rehearsals and visual aids. I kid you not, this is the justification from the book: “…they [the basilisks] were the only creatures who could be trusted to mold girls into women.” 

 But before you think this book is all smut and no plot, there are hints at something larger at play throughout the novel. YMMV on how much it interests you, given that this book doesn’t exactly advertise itself as anything but humans and snakes getting nasty, but the conflict between the basilisks and the humans is always simmering beneath the surface. Neither species has forgiven the other for the atrocities of the war centuries past and both would like a chance to repay old debts. Obviously, they get their chances and the more we learn the more we humans are left to relive that old meme of “are we the baddies?” After all, any king who keeps the skull of his enemy in his private study is probably not a good dude. I can see why Snakeman is touchy about humans in general. I wish this element of the story took a more forward role early in the book (I want my porn to have some plot, gosh darn it) – but I did enjoy the brief summation of Hobbes’ social contract theory halfway through the story. Guess all those polysci degrees I got are good for something: analyzing the sexual politics of snakes in romance novels! 

Obvious Errors an Author/Editor Should Have Caught: Want to hear something odd? Here you go: from a technical perspective, this book has very few line/copy editing flaws. Trust me, I looked. And while I am as capable of missing things as anyone else (more, considering that ADHD is the literal fuel in my veins), there were only a few errors that I could see - grammatical or otherwise. I mean, the author uses the word “autopilot” a few times and I’m assuming a world without electricity also lacks jumbo jets, but yeah. Relatively few mistakes. 

 That is not to say the prose is amazing or that it’s going to be everyone’s cup of tea, in fact I would put good money on this comment section becoming a war zone, but it’s free of a lot of the sort of problems we normally see in self-published or post-COVID romantasies. I wonder if publishing it in pieces online meant her audience gave her feedback? Or if Straube shelled out the money for a professional editor prior to publishing? If anyone here was a part of the OG releases online, please let me know if this quality existed back then. Cuz I’m a little flummoxed how a book released in this era doesn’t have more problems. 

Bechdel Test Survivor: Well, she and her mom exchange pleasantries a few times. Even some small talk. But since Mom doesn’t have a name at the time I’m gonna say it doesn’t count. In fact, there are only three other women in the book who have names and all they talk about are Leo and Snakeman. Go figure. 

Content Warnings: SA (groping, with thwarted attempt at more), pain play, violent jealousy, castration, torture of prisoners, lots of murder. 

Is the FMC/MMC Unfaithful: No…technically? It’s impossible to explain in a way that won’t make you question my sanity. 

If You Like This, I Recommend: The sequel. Because nothing else I’ve read lately is even close to being this hilariously batshit insane. Imagine a train wreck that somehow turned into an orgy. That’s it. That’s this book. 
slow-paced

I almost DNFed this one. It was way too long for rhat little plot. The smut wasnt even that great to be more than 70% of the book. I enjoyed the plot once we got there just wish we got yhete a hell of alot sooner

3 stars for vibes 

“there’s something for the whole family!”