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Holy hell, this book was something else. I alternated between audio and physical because there were just too many lines that I needed to tab, and often whole pages that I needed to mark because this book gets it. BIG CONTENT WARNING for religious trauma (though one can assume that with the title and blurb).
I grew up in a very conservative church of christ in a Tennessee small town. We were taught that women could not speak or have any sort of role in church services (aside from nursery duty, where the ladies are tucked away out of sight). Growing up a aro/ace kid that didn't realize those were things I could even be, I was terrified about my future that was only going to matter if I found a man to marry that shared my desires and dreams. Because I believed--I was told--that I could only make a difference in god's kingdom (which is the only point of life, of course) if I had a man leading the way that could speak for me. It made me both nauseous and terrified. I couldn't understand how I was supposed to serve god's kingdom if I wasn't even allowed to stand before a group of people to speak about Jesus.
Fast forward to now, and it's wild to revisit the deep mind games played by religious indoctrination. The depictions of emotional abuse (and allusions to physical child abuse), the tension and manipulation required to survive, the stress and fear of thought crimes--it all hit the mark dead center. This book also did a great job making both Valerie and Riley very real and understandable characters. Valeria was head over heels for Riley, but Riley wasn't perfect. They were both so gentle to each other every step of the way, and the tenderness melted my heart. Valerie had so much agency, and didn't let Riley (who knew a lot more about the world) teach her everything and just listen to her blindly. Val snuck onto the computers at the library and researched on her own, hunting down knowledge with her angry pen and grabbing it with both hands to swallow it hole. She was so strong and brave and a beautiful protagonist.
I feel like the best way to make my point is to just leave some of the best quotes, so have a gander and then go get the book. (Though do be gentle with yourself, especially if you're queer and have religious trauma. I had to take lots of breaks.)
"Even though it sometimes stings to hear I am not my own, that I belong to my dad and God and my future husband, that’s my own sinful nature, letting doubt creep into my mind. And so I’m trying to pray, to hear the voice of God … and I hope that with enough faith, things will finally feel right, and I will feel the joy and peace that God gives to those who trust him." (This is page 5, my dudes.)
"I’ve heard the verse “perfect love casteth out fear” a million times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it until I looked in this [queer] book. Acceptance, friendship, love; love that transcends time and boundaries and all reason, a life of living rather than hiding, of sharing rather than shunning." (Pg 24)
"I'm done with being told I'm being loved when it feels an awful lot like hate." (Pg 199)
I'm so close to asking if she'll still love me if I'm queer. But I mean love in the simple sense. Love that exists not as a rationalization for punishment, but a blooming feeling of acceptance and belonging. (Pg 222)
I grew up in a very conservative church of christ in a Tennessee small town. We were taught that women could not speak or have any sort of role in church services (aside from nursery duty, where the ladies are tucked away out of sight). Growing up a aro/ace kid that didn't realize those were things I could even be, I was terrified about my future that was only going to matter if I found a man to marry that shared my desires and dreams. Because I believed--I was told--that I could only make a difference in god's kingdom (which is the only point of life, of course) if I had a man leading the way that could speak for me. It made me both nauseous and terrified. I couldn't understand how I was supposed to serve god's kingdom if I wasn't even allowed to stand before a group of people to speak about Jesus.
Fast forward to now, and it's wild to revisit the deep mind games played by religious indoctrination. The depictions of emotional abuse (and allusions to physical child abuse), the tension and manipulation required to survive, the stress and fear of thought crimes--it all hit the mark dead center. This book also did a great job making both Valerie and Riley very real and understandable characters. Valeria was head over heels for Riley, but Riley wasn't perfect. They were both so gentle to each other every step of the way, and the tenderness melted my heart. Valerie had so much agency, and didn't let Riley (who knew a lot more about the world) teach her everything and just listen to her blindly. Val snuck onto the computers at the library and researched on her own, hunting down knowledge with her angry pen and grabbing it with both hands to swallow it hole. She was so strong and brave and a beautiful protagonist.
I feel like the best way to make my point is to just leave some of the best quotes, so have a gander and then go get the book. (Though do be gentle with yourself, especially if you're queer and have religious trauma. I had to take lots of breaks.)
"Even though it sometimes stings to hear I am not my own, that I belong to my dad and God and my future husband, that’s my own sinful nature, letting doubt creep into my mind. And so I’m trying to pray, to hear the voice of God … and I hope that with enough faith, things will finally feel right, and I will feel the joy and peace that God gives to those who trust him." (This is page 5, my dudes.)
"I’ve heard the verse “perfect love casteth out fear” a million times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it until I looked in this [queer] book. Acceptance, friendship, love; love that transcends time and boundaries and all reason, a life of living rather than hiding, of sharing rather than shunning." (Pg 24)
"I'm done with being told I'm being loved when it feels an awful lot like hate." (Pg 199)
I'm so close to asking if she'll still love me if I'm queer. But I mean love in the simple sense. Love that exists not as a rationalization for punishment, but a blooming feeling of acceptance and belonging. (Pg 222)
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Sexism, Religious bigotry
Minor: Physical abuse, Racism
challenging
emotional
hopeful
reflective
sad
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Yes
Diverse cast of characters:
Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus:
Yes
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Misogyny, Toxic relationship, Forced institutionalization, Religious bigotry, Gaslighting
Moderate: Bullying, Confinement, Homophobia, Misogyny
Minor: Racial slurs, Racism
Beautiful overall, made moreso by the narration, as I was listening on audio! (Hannah’s audiobook voice isn’t for the faint of heart though. She as a character is meant to be overly cheery. My poor ears.) While frequently anxiety and anger-inducing, there was still a hopeful tone to Valerie’s story. I mostly liked how the back-and-forth between confidence, self-doubt and confusion in her deconstruction journey was written through her thoughts.
While the romance was very mushy-gushy and sometimes corny, I’m giving it a pass because not only was it clear that these two girls needed the support they gave each other, but I also wouldn’t expect anything else from two sapphics with a very conservative and religious upbringing trying to flirt and have a relationship with each other lol.
Also, all the references to queer books!! (Two of which being stuff Natalie Nautus has narrated! “The narration is fine, but the story is great” or however that line goes made me laugh.) A fun Easter Egg for general readers of queer fiction, but mostly fans of Natalie.
What held me back from rating this higher, though, was that certain parts were repetitive. It sometimes lessened the impact of a scene or made my audiobook feel like it was repeating.
Please check trigger warnings before reading, there’s very graphic depictions of religious bigotry, child abuse(spanking, but also emotional and religious abuse), homophobia, and the main character is outedin chapters 25/26. Despite the hopefulness and the sweet ending, this was heavy.
While the romance was very mushy-gushy and sometimes corny, I’m giving it a pass because not only was it clear that these two girls needed the support they gave each other, but I also wouldn’t expect anything else from two sapphics with a very conservative and religious upbringing trying to flirt and have a relationship with each other lol.
Also, all the references to queer books!! (Two of which being stuff Natalie Nautus has narrated! “The narration is fine, but the story is great” or however that line goes made me laugh.) A fun Easter Egg for general readers of queer fiction, but mostly fans of Natalie.
What held me back from rating this higher, though, was that certain parts were repetitive. It sometimes lessened the impact of a scene or made my audiobook feel like it was repeating.
Please check trigger warnings before reading, there’s very graphic depictions of religious bigotry, child abuse(spanking, but also emotional and religious abuse), homophobia, and the main character is outed
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Misogyny, Religious bigotry, Outing
Moderate: Racism, Gaslighting
challenging
emotional
inspiring
reflective
tense
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Complicated
Diverse cast of characters:
Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus:
Complicated
Oya! I am struggling to identify appropriate words for the amount of appreciation I have for this story. This is a love letter to every queer kid who has ever been lectured at, talked down to, or made to feel less than in the name of God. It's the outcome that I wish for anyone who wants to escape cult life or escape the oppression of their families. There were so many incredible nuggets in this book that spoke to the child who lived through a decade of Christ lectures and church going and the slimy guilt you feel when you are told you're a disappointment in the name of Christ. Thank you, Natalie. Thank you for telling your story and being true to yourself and then sharing it with the world.
This was very close to a full 5 Stars, but I did find that a few of the sections repeated some information that had me questioning if my recording had lost my place or started over.
Regardless, I can't wait to subscribe to anything Natalie writes in the future.
This was very close to a full 5 Stars, but I did find that a few of the sections repeated some information that had me questioning if my recording had lost my place or started over.
Regardless, I can't wait to subscribe to anything Natalie writes in the future.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Misogyny, Sexism, Religious bigotry, Toxic friendship
Moderate: Biphobia, Child abuse, Homophobia, Racism, Forced institutionalization, Outing
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
tense
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Yes
Diverse cast of characters:
Complicated
Flaws of characters a main focus:
Complicated
Content Warnings
Graphic: Biphobia, Child abuse, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Misogyny, Racism, Religious bigotry, Gaslighting, Toxic friendship
emotional
hopeful
reflective
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Yes
Diverse cast of characters:
Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus:
Yes
This book is a love story, first and foremost, a love story to deconstruction and leaving a Christian cult.
It’s a story of a girl raised in a vaguely-veiled-for-legal-purposes AU of the Institute of Basic Life Principles who sneaks a gay book from the library, which leads her to deconstruct her beliefs and eventually run away with a girl she met while in the cult.
The story probably won’t mean much to people who didn’t grow up in a very strict religious home, but for those of us who did it’s a very cathartic, healing story about the power of reading and taking back your personal autonomy. The romance is very sweet and empowering, and the description of the main character realizing her crush are very precious and relatable.
Unfortunately more relatable is the portrayal of the girl’s family and especially the relationship with and between her parents, especially in the subtle loving bombing and then openly emotionally abusive and extremely controlling father.
All in all, it’s a very healing, cathartic story for those of us who lived this life, and perhaps an education for those who didn’t and want to know what it feels like to come out of the fog of a cult like this
It’s a story of a girl raised in a vaguely-veiled-for-legal-purposes AU of the Institute of Basic Life Principles who sneaks a gay book from the library, which leads her to deconstruct her beliefs and eventually run away with a girl she met while in the cult.
The story probably won’t mean much to people who didn’t grow up in a very strict religious home, but for those of us who did it’s a very cathartic, healing story about the power of reading and taking back your personal autonomy. The romance is very sweet and empowering, and the description of the main character realizing her crush are very precious and relatable.
Unfortunately more relatable is the portrayal of the girl’s family and especially the relationship with and between her parents, especially in the subtle loving bombing and then openly emotionally abusive and extremely controlling father.
All in all, it’s a very healing, cathartic story for those of us who lived this life, and perhaps an education for those who didn’t and want to know what it feels like to come out of the fog of a cult like this
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Sexism, Religious bigotry
Moderate: Child abuse, Homophobia, Misogyny, Physical abuse, Racism
emotional
hopeful
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Yes
Diverse cast of characters:
Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus:
Yes
Thanks to the author for the free copy of this book.
- Whew, I loved GAY THE PRAY away so much I read it in one sitting. What an accomplishment to make such a tender story about breaking out of a life and shattering everything you’ve known.
- Valerie and Riley were so cute. I loved seeing them push the boundaries of their lives and find joy and hope in each other.
- My only complaint is I wish it had been longer. Due to the short page count, Valerie’s deconstruction happens pretty quickly. I would have liked to spend more time in that investigative phase.
- Whew, I loved GAY THE PRAY away so much I read it in one sitting. What an accomplishment to make such a tender story about breaking out of a life and shattering everything you’ve known.
- Valerie and Riley were so cute. I loved seeing them push the boundaries of their lives and find joy and hope in each other.
- My only complaint is I wish it had been longer. Due to the short page count, Valerie’s deconstruction happens pretty quickly. I would have liked to spend more time in that investigative phase.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Bullying, Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Misogyny, Religious bigotry
Moderate: Cursing, Racism
challenging
emotional
hopeful
reflective
sad
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Yes
Diverse cast of characters:
Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus:
No
Thank you to Natalie Naudus for an advanced reader copy of this book in exchange for my honest review!
This was one of my most anticipated reads of the year and it did NOT disappoint! I grew up in a similar environment to Valerie and I think, due to the somewhat autobiographical nature of the text, Natalie did too. There were moments that felt so viscerally real because I remember being part of those conversations, feelings, questions, experiences, etc. The text is imbued with this true-to-life quality. Natalie's writing is perfectly paced and driving towards the emotional apex of each chapter and plot arc. It's no wonder that her storytelling is so vibrant, as she's been one of my favorite audiobook narrators for years! She's brought other authors' characters to life so richly and does the same for her characters on the page. I look forward to hearing the audiobook as well!
I expected to be triggered by some of the characters' experiences and feelings, but honestly reading this book felt SO validating. Instead of being triggered, I was heartened by the journey Valerie took and the people outside the cult (like Mira) who provided perspective on the utter absurdity and very real trauma of living inside a restrictive religious community. The story is also ultimately very hopeful! No spoilers, but I appreciated that there was nuance to even those characters who did not change their minds or value love and care over restriction - like Val's parents.
I work at a public library and I hope I can be like Val's sweater-vested friend, a resource for anyone going through deconstruction or even just hoping to understand themselves and their place in the world better. I hope I can put this book in the hands of a scared queer teenager who needs to hear that they're not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you Natalie for writing this book!
Content Warnings
Graphic: Homophobia
Moderate: Racism, Religious bigotry
Minor: Chronic illness, Deadnaming
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
sad
tense
medium-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
Yes
Loveable characters:
Complicated
Diverse cast of characters:
Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus:
Complicated
What a wonderful but tough read. I would strongly recommend checking the trigger warnings on this one, especially for those that have been impacted by physical, emotional or psychological abuse, religious trauma, or manipulative families.
I am normally an audiobook person. Natalie Naudus is one of my favorite audiobook narrators so I was excited to read her upcoming book as an eARC. This book had me in a HOLD! Naudus is almost too good at writing the tension, hypervigilance, panic, worry and stress of our MC, Val's life. We know from jump that she will get caught eventually, but the tension of waiting for that was almost unbearable. You can't help but sympathize with Val, Riley, Mira, Hannah, and basically all the women in this story. Val deals with her trauma by trying to escape through fantasy books. Hannah tries to escape by literally turning off her emotions (think "Turn it off" from The Book of Mormon musical).
We explore themes in this book around how women process and manage trauma and the pressures of living in a extremely misogynistic and patriarchal system. We also explore how parents and grandparents show love and react/act when that love isn't received well by their children.
Naudus's writing really drew me in and had me hooked in the first chapter. Like, I said, I'm an audiobook person, but I was reading this book at stoplights, while cooking dinner, in the shower.... While I don't know if she has plans for a sequel, I do hope she'll consider at least a short story or "where are they now" kind of update set maybe 5 years in the future.Does Hannah get married and stay married? Are Riley and Val still together? Does David stay in the church as adult? Does Val reconcile with her family at all? Do Mira, Riley, or Val join an affirming church? Does Val write a book? I have so many questions.
Additionally, i loved some little easter eggs dropped in. I'm sure that I missed some as well. There was a fun little moment where Naudus breaks the 4th wallwhen Riley says she listened to tha audiobook for One Last Stop and the narrator was only ok, lol. and a musical reference Somewhere from West Side Story that I'm not sure if it was intentional or not.
Overall, I loved this book and sincerely hope Naudus writes many more!
I am normally an audiobook person. Natalie Naudus is one of my favorite audiobook narrators so I was excited to read her upcoming book as an eARC. This book had me in a HOLD! Naudus is almost too good at writing the tension, hypervigilance, panic, worry and stress of our MC, Val's life. We know from jump that she will get caught eventually, but the tension of waiting for that was almost unbearable. You can't help but sympathize with Val, Riley, Mira, Hannah, and basically all the women in this story. Val deals with her trauma by trying to escape through fantasy books. Hannah tries to escape by literally turning off her emotions (think "Turn it off" from The Book of Mormon musical).
We explore themes in this book around how women process and manage trauma and the pressures of living in a extremely misogynistic and patriarchal system. We also explore how parents and grandparents show love and react/act when that love isn't received well by their children.
Naudus's writing really drew me in and had me hooked in the first chapter. Like, I said, I'm an audiobook person, but I was reading this book at stoplights, while cooking dinner, in the shower.... While I don't know if she has plans for a sequel, I do hope she'll consider at least a short story or "where are they now" kind of update set maybe 5 years in the future.
Additionally, i loved some little easter eggs dropped in. I'm sure that I missed some as well. There was a fun little moment where Naudus breaks the 4th wall
Overall, I loved this book and sincerely hope Naudus writes many more!
Content Warnings
Graphic: Homophobia, Misogyny, Toxic relationship, Religious bigotry
Moderate: Emotional abuse
Minor: Panic attacks/disorders, Physical abuse, Racism
multiple mentions of corporal punishment. it isn't exactly on page but is clearly inferred.