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2.99 AVERAGE
2.99 AVERAGE
funny
informative
reflective
John Gray totally nailed women's perspective when it comes to relationships and love. It's a good read and really helpful for everyone struggling in their relationships with their current partners.
A knowledge compound book club choice.
Hailed as a classic it’d been on my TBR list for years, so I happily voted to read it for this months Bookclub. It was hard going.
I have actually written many ranty paragraphs in notes as I was reading, as a way to vent my (Venusian, overly dramatic) frustrations at this book. It does have a few redeeming moments, notably chapter 11 (which feels like someone else entirely took over and said ‘we’ve got to actually have some serious points in this book somewhere!’), but in the whole I think it’s deceptively unhelpful.
Firstly, the whole ‘remember they’re from mars!’ As a general excuse for any problematic behaviour from men got annoying very quickly. As a gimmick to sell books? Fine. As a reason as to why men and women are fundamentally different? Not so much. To write a book about the difference of the genders and not mention sexism, misogyny, the patriarchy even once is actually quite a feat in itself. It wouldn’t have sold so many books, but it could have done a lot more to benefit individuals and relationships. The closest we get is in chapter 11 (which I’m sure is written by someone else) when it says ‘our culture doesn’t tell men what women want’ and instead of blaming everything on the fact we’re from different planets, it touches on childhood trauma.
Secondly the differences between the ‘advice’ for either sex. Martians get 101 things to do to earn points with their venusians. Venusians get a list of things not to do. They get a whole chapter on how to manipulate their Martian into doing what they want by ‘learning how to ask properly’. I feel another chapter on teaching Martians to take a bit of adult responsibility other than a job would have been good ‘how not to treat your wife like your mother’ or something equally oversimplified - but apparently women taking on all these extra ways of behaving isn’t ‘changing who they are fundamentally’ implying that asking men to think for themselves would be a life altering thing.
Men do not come off well in this book. Unable to concentrate, unable to understand nuance, unable to hold more than one thing in their brain, incapable of doing anything without being asked in exactly the right way at exactly the right time, with exactly the right praise or benefit at the end. The author does them dirty (so does the patriarchy, but no one wants to hear that I guess).
I’m not even going to talk about how infuriating his ancient stereotypical view of women is or the fact that he doesn’t mention hormones (in a book about why men and women are different).
Lastly there is not a single mention of any kind of homosexuality, which again, in a book about relationships is a feat in itself. Surely his points could be backed up by Martian on Martian relationships where communication is ALWAYS clear and concise and everyone means what they say? Venusians who NEVER feel like they’ve given too much because both their cups runneth over with nurturing love, right?!
The good points are;
- At its core this book is about encouraging communication and that is a good thing, it can certainly help fix singular relationships. - The love letter technique is a good exercise, the structure could help people in different ways.
- Chapter 11 is a good chapter.
The book doesn’t say it’s going to fix any disparities between Martians and Venusians, I know. By completely disregarding any exist, plus the perpetuating of harmful stereotypes I feel this book is more harmful than helpful.
Hailed as a classic it’d been on my TBR list for years, so I happily voted to read it for this months Bookclub. It was hard going.
I have actually written many ranty paragraphs in notes as I was reading, as a way to vent my (Venusian, overly dramatic) frustrations at this book. It does have a few redeeming moments, notably chapter 11 (which feels like someone else entirely took over and said ‘we’ve got to actually have some serious points in this book somewhere!’), but in the whole I think it’s deceptively unhelpful.
Firstly, the whole ‘remember they’re from mars!’ As a general excuse for any problematic behaviour from men got annoying very quickly. As a gimmick to sell books? Fine. As a reason as to why men and women are fundamentally different? Not so much. To write a book about the difference of the genders and not mention sexism, misogyny, the patriarchy even once is actually quite a feat in itself. It wouldn’t have sold so many books, but it could have done a lot more to benefit individuals and relationships. The closest we get is in chapter 11 (which I’m sure is written by someone else) when it says ‘our culture doesn’t tell men what women want’ and instead of blaming everything on the fact we’re from different planets, it touches on childhood trauma.
Secondly the differences between the ‘advice’ for either sex. Martians get 101 things to do to earn points with their venusians. Venusians get a list of things not to do. They get a whole chapter on how to manipulate their Martian into doing what they want by ‘learning how to ask properly’. I feel another chapter on teaching Martians to take a bit of adult responsibility other than a job would have been good ‘how not to treat your wife like your mother’ or something equally oversimplified - but apparently women taking on all these extra ways of behaving isn’t ‘changing who they are fundamentally’ implying that asking men to think for themselves would be a life altering thing.
Men do not come off well in this book. Unable to concentrate, unable to understand nuance, unable to hold more than one thing in their brain, incapable of doing anything without being asked in exactly the right way at exactly the right time, with exactly the right praise or benefit at the end. The author does them dirty (so does the patriarchy, but no one wants to hear that I guess).
I’m not even going to talk about how infuriating his ancient stereotypical view of women is or the fact that he doesn’t mention hormones (in a book about why men and women are different).
Lastly there is not a single mention of any kind of homosexuality, which again, in a book about relationships is a feat in itself. Surely his points could be backed up by Martian on Martian relationships where communication is ALWAYS clear and concise and everyone means what they say? Venusians who NEVER feel like they’ve given too much because both their cups runneth over with nurturing love, right?!
The good points are;
- At its core this book is about encouraging communication and that is a good thing, it can certainly help fix singular relationships. - The love letter technique is a good exercise, the structure could help people in different ways.
- Chapter 11 is a good chapter.
The book doesn’t say it’s going to fix any disparities between Martians and Venusians, I know. By completely disregarding any exist, plus the perpetuating of harmful stereotypes I feel this book is more harmful than helpful.
slow-paced
reflective
medium-paced
Mijn belangrijkste kritiekpunt is dat de auteur een hele hoop dingen beweert zonder bronnen aan te halen, dat maakt het hele verhaal ongeloofwaardig. Daarnaast is hij veel te langdradig en is zijn schrijfstijl nogal droog. Verder is hij generaliserend over zowel mannen als vrouwen, waarbij hij bepaalde stereotypen waar ik niet in geloof bevestigt. Het enige interessante eraan is dat je gaat nadenken over de anekdotes en situaties in het boek. Het zorgt ervoor dat je gaat stilstaan bij jouw eigen gedrag als man of vrouw en hoe dit in je relatie naar voren komt, en dat kan interessante gesprekken opleveren. Vandaar nog 2 sterren in plaats van 1.
dear women: some time man go in cave to think. let man go. he come back.
dear men: learn empathy
dear men: learn empathy