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koppelwoman's review against another edition
3.0
Some parts of this book were great. I love the idea of people being illuminators or detractors. And the whole idea of really “seeing” someone is wonderful. But he lost me when he went on and on about how great high extroverts are and barely even mentioned introverts.
richellebelle55's review against another edition
3.0
I read David Brooks' latest nonfiction work in an effort to be better at seeing and truly knowing other people. Having had several experiences throughout my life where I felt unseen by people, I aim to be a person who truly listens and understands the people in my world. Yet even in the midst of my trying, I fail more often than I would like because I am human, so I thought this book would help. Overall, this book was a mixed bag.
What I liked best about How to Know a Person was Brooks' conversationally informational tone throughout the book. I truly enjoyed his writing style. Additionally, he backed up his examples with research and real-life anecdotes, along with practical tips on how we readers can more deeply see the people in our lives. His discussion on how we can better show up for our friends and family members who suffer from depression is, I would argue, the most important part of the book and greatly needed in society today. However, I felt like the pace lost a little steam in the second half of the book.
This book falters when the author peppers his prose with value judgments, which happens several times through the book. A key instance is when Brooks talks about anger in a paragraph on page 141 in the hardcover version. He says "Anger is unattractive. Anger is stupid. A person who is perpetually angry is always mishearing and misreading others... Worst of all, anger escalates." First of all, anger is an emotion. Emotions contain information. Anger is an emotion felt by a person when a boundary has been crossed. Escalated anger becomes rage. Correct definitions would have been helpful here. I also would argue that the person who is "perpetually angry" likely needs someone who truly listens and sees them, which was the focus of the first part of the book. Perhaps a discussion on how to help people who are angry would have been helpful at this particular part of the book.
In Brooks' chapter on strengths, he spends a majority of the chapter proclaiming the benefits of a personality test called The Big Five, which is apparently highly regarded by scientists even though I have never heard of it (being a personality test junkie myself, I've heard of most personality tests out there). He claims the Myers-Briggs test has no scientific validity (even though it's still widely used) and that half the people who take it end up with a different result the second time around (I've taken it for years and I always end up ISFJ). Additionally, he states "the test has almost no power to predict how happy you'll be in a given situation, how you'll perform at your job, or how satisfied you'll be in your marriage." Personality tests provide data, not predictions. It's up to us to interpret the data and take the steps needed to create our own happiness in life.
The true key and message to knowing other people is to do what Brooks proposes on page 214: "Ask people to tell you their stories." And when they do, truly pay attention to what they are saying with interest. The person in front of you is unique and unrepeatable, and yet a product of their ancestry and culture. Treat them with respect and regard.
What I liked best about How to Know a Person was Brooks' conversationally informational tone throughout the book. I truly enjoyed his writing style. Additionally, he backed up his examples with research and real-life anecdotes, along with practical tips on how we readers can more deeply see the people in our lives. His discussion on how we can better show up for our friends and family members who suffer from depression is, I would argue, the most important part of the book and greatly needed in society today. However, I felt like the pace lost a little steam in the second half of the book.
This book falters when the author peppers his prose with value judgments, which happens several times through the book. A key instance is when Brooks talks about anger in a paragraph on page 141 in the hardcover version. He says "Anger is unattractive. Anger is stupid. A person who is perpetually angry is always mishearing and misreading others... Worst of all, anger escalates." First of all, anger is an emotion. Emotions contain information. Anger is an emotion felt by a person when a boundary has been crossed. Escalated anger becomes rage. Correct definitions would have been helpful here. I also would argue that the person who is "perpetually angry" likely needs someone who truly listens and sees them, which was the focus of the first part of the book. Perhaps a discussion on how to help people who are angry would have been helpful at this particular part of the book.
In Brooks' chapter on strengths, he spends a majority of the chapter proclaiming the benefits of a personality test called The Big Five, which is apparently highly regarded by scientists even though I have never heard of it (being a personality test junkie myself, I've heard of most personality tests out there). He claims the Myers-Briggs test has no scientific validity (even though it's still widely used) and that half the people who take it end up with a different result the second time around (I've taken it for years and I always end up ISFJ). Additionally, he states "the test has almost no power to predict how happy you'll be in a given situation, how you'll perform at your job, or how satisfied you'll be in your marriage." Personality tests provide data, not predictions. It's up to us to interpret the data and take the steps needed to create our own happiness in life.
The true key and message to knowing other people is to do what Brooks proposes on page 214: "Ask people to tell you their stories." And when they do, truly pay attention to what they are saying with interest. The person in front of you is unique and unrepeatable, and yet a product of their ancestry and culture. Treat them with respect and regard.
chloearielle's review against another edition
The audiobook felt like I was being mansplained to. Just wasn’t hitting for me.
dmaurath's review against another edition
3.0
This is David Brooks notes on the many books on relationships that he has read. There's nothing wrong with that and its worth a read as an introduction to this topic. However, it will be only an introduction. The information is general when it should be specific (he only provide a few examples of questions to ask tog et to know someone) and specific when it could be more general (focusing too much on individual stories to make his point). In the end, you are not left with much to take away from the book and unsure what it was all about.