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melanie42's review against another edition
3.0
I didn't feel that I quite fitted into the target audience for this book, as I am childfree by choice rather than circumstance. But even though some of the exercises weren't helpful to me, there were still plenty of thought-provoking questions and exercises that did help me to think about how I create a sense of purpose in my life.
greensalbet's review against another edition
dark
emotional
informative
reflective
slow-paced
4.5
This is a first-of-its-kind book about the biases women without children face in both American and European societies. The author is a British psychologist who was married to an alcoholic and didn't want children with him until he was sober. The process took longer than expected, they divorced, and her window for becoming pregnant closed.
From her own experience of forlorn childlessness, author Jody Day has gone on to work with clients struggling through this life predicament, created a blog site, started weekend workshops, and engaged in advocacy work to raise awareness in work environments around non-Mothers, whom she calls NOMOs.
There are many new ideas and helpful observations in this book, including the following:
The Concept of Pronatalism
"The current cultural adoration of motherhood, at a time when somewhere between 15 and 30 percent of women are reaching menopause without having had children, is particularly hard on childless women, It's a role that we will never be able to play and are also not considered to have a say in. A whole new generation is being reared to inhabit and inherit our world and we are expected to have no part in it, or influence over it. The glorification of motherhood can be explained as what happens when rampant pronatalism meets rampant consumerism.
If 'pronatalism' is a new term to you (it once was to me), it's explained by Laura Caroll in her 2012 book 'The Baby Matrix" as: the idea that parenthood and raising children should be the central focus of every person's adult life. Pronatalism is a strong social force and includes a collection of beliefs so embedded that they have come to be seen as 'true' " (70).
Melanjoy
"Jessica Hepburn, a veteran of nine unsuccessful IVF procedures and the author of "The Pursuit of Motherhood, published in 2014, coined a brilliant word for the confusing combination of feelings that many of us (childless woman) will recognize around other women's pregnancies: 'Melanjoy' -- a combination of melancholy and joy," (94).
The Status of Marriage
"In a patriarchal society our value as women is judged on our partnerhood and reproductive status. In my twenties and thirties, I would have thought this was complete nonsense and, as someone who considered herself a feminist, would have seen it as rather backward-thinking. Imagine my shock when, as a newly divorced woman of forty, I discovered how much my 'status' from my married state had carried," (96).
Childless Women's Isolation
"Because most people succeed in having children, those who don't are seen as 'different' and don't fit the social mode. It's never explicit, but what wind's up more than anything is the assumption that I'm a career woman instead. I AM NOT defined my work." Claude: 44, Single, UK (162).
And the Number One Source of Empathy Failure
"Stop expecting others to understand your situation. In answer to a question I put to Brene Brown at a public talk in 2012, infertility and childlessness has shown up in her research as 'the number one empathy failure.' Your friends and family are not not uniquely able to understand!" (225).
I've rated this book 4.5 stars. It's a 5-start read for female, childless readers, therapists, and IVF sufferers: however, for the general public, however, this is probably a 4-star book. Some parts are too intensely focused on the issues of fertility and childlessness to connect with a general reading public. Having said that, I think Chapter 9, "Reconnecting to Your Source" offers a beautiful investigation into what self-care and self-compassion are, and are not, and can apply to any reader -- regardless of gender or child status.
From her own experience of forlorn childlessness, author Jody Day has gone on to work with clients struggling through this life predicament, created a blog site, started weekend workshops, and engaged in advocacy work to raise awareness in work environments around non-Mothers, whom she calls NOMOs.
There are many new ideas and helpful observations in this book, including the following:
The Concept of Pronatalism
"The current cultural adoration of motherhood, at a time when somewhere between 15 and 30 percent of women are reaching menopause without having had children, is particularly hard on childless women, It's a role that we will never be able to play and are also not considered to have a say in. A whole new generation is being reared to inhabit and inherit our world and we are expected to have no part in it, or influence over it. The glorification of motherhood can be explained as what happens when rampant pronatalism meets rampant consumerism.
If 'pronatalism' is a new term to you (it once was to me), it's explained by Laura Caroll in her 2012 book 'The Baby Matrix" as: the idea that parenthood and raising children should be the central focus of every person's adult life. Pronatalism is a strong social force and includes a collection of beliefs so embedded that they have come to be seen as 'true' " (70).
Melanjoy
"Jessica Hepburn, a veteran of nine unsuccessful IVF procedures and the author of "The Pursuit of Motherhood, published in 2014, coined a brilliant word for the confusing combination of feelings that many of us (childless woman) will recognize around other women's pregnancies: 'Melanjoy' -- a combination of melancholy and joy," (94).
The Status of Marriage
"In a patriarchal society our value as women is judged on our partnerhood and reproductive status. In my twenties and thirties, I would have thought this was complete nonsense and, as someone who considered herself a feminist, would have seen it as rather backward-thinking. Imagine my shock when, as a newly divorced woman of forty, I discovered how much my 'status' from my married state had carried," (96).
Childless Women's Isolation
"Because most people succeed in having children, those who don't are seen as 'different' and don't fit the social mode. It's never explicit, but what wind's up more than anything is the assumption that I'm a career woman instead. I AM NOT defined my work." Claude: 44, Single, UK (162).
And the Number One Source of Empathy Failure
"Stop expecting others to understand your situation. In answer to a question I put to Brene Brown at a public talk in 2012, infertility and childlessness has shown up in her research as 'the number one empathy failure.' Your friends and family are not not uniquely able to understand!" (225).
I've rated this book 4.5 stars. It's a 5-start read for female, childless readers, therapists, and IVF sufferers: however, for the general public, however, this is probably a 4-star book. Some parts are too intensely focused on the issues of fertility and childlessness to connect with a general reading public. Having said that, I think Chapter 9, "Reconnecting to Your Source" offers a beautiful investigation into what self-care and self-compassion are, and are not, and can apply to any reader -- regardless of gender or child status.
greaterkaterr's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
loribeth1961's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
5.0
Jody Day is a rock star in the childless-not-by-choice (CNBC) community. Since founding Gateway Women in 2011 (a support & friendship network for CNBCers), her blog posts and articles, videos, meetups and workshops, as well as her personal warmth, generosity and wise advice, have helped thousands of involuntarily childless women around the world (including me!) to think more positively about themselves and their futures.
"Living the Life Unexpected" had its genesis in a 2013 book -- crowdfunded by Gateway Women from around the world and self-published by Jody -- called "Rocking the Life Unexpected." In 2016, it was renamed and republished as "Living the Life Unexpected" by Bluebird (Pan Macmillan). This new edition is being published on March 20th, 2020, just in time for Mother's Day/Mothering Sunday in the United Kingdom (on Sunday, March 22nd).
I found Jody's Gateway Women blog early in its existence, and read "Rocking the Life Unexpected" back in January 2014. This new edition includes more of everything that made the book such a great, invaluable read in its previous incarnations. It's a mixture of personal stories (Jody's own, plus the voices of some 40 other childless women -- and a few men!), historical background/cultural commentary (including some eye-opening statistics -- we're definitely not alone in being childless), and self-help guidance, including questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about your childless life. (These are similar to the exercises used in Gateway Women's Reignite weekends and Online Bee courses.)
If you are struggling with involuntary childlessness, this book is an absolute must-read. I only wish it had been around when I was first coming to terms with the realization that my childless life would be permanent. It would also be a great one to recommend (or simply hand over) to friends & family members who want to better understand & support you (but aren't quite sure how to do that). Five stars.
*** *** ***
January 2023: "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day is (quite rightly) regarded by many childless women as the "bible" for learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I own and have read all three editions of the book -- and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me. Over the past year, I've been re-reading the book again, chapter by chapter, working through (many of) the exercises (something I hadn't really done on past readings) and discussing them at monthly Zoom calls in the company of a small group of other childless women from around the world, all of us members of a private online support community.
This book -- known within the community by the acronym "LTLU" -- remains an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward. You don't HAVE to do the exercises, of course -- there is still plenty of benefit to be gained from reading the book without doing them -- but they're a great way to explore your thoughts and gain new insights -- and working through the book with other childless women, as I've been doing over the past year, is a fabulous way to gain new perspectives (and get to know some wonderful other childless women better, too!).
As we've now completed all 12 chapters and our year-long exploration of the book, I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars still stands. :)
*** *** ***
(January 21, 2024) "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is essential reading for women like me who are learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I've read this book multiple times now, on my own and in a discussion group setting, and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me.
There are many more books out there now about life without children than there were a decade ago -- but this one continues to be an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward.
We recently completed all 12 chapters in a year-long exploration of the book, so I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands. :)
"Living the Life Unexpected" had its genesis in a 2013 book -- crowdfunded by Gateway Women from around the world and self-published by Jody -- called "Rocking the Life Unexpected." In 2016, it was renamed and republished as "Living the Life Unexpected" by Bluebird (Pan Macmillan). This new edition is being published on March 20th, 2020, just in time for Mother's Day/Mothering Sunday in the United Kingdom (on Sunday, March 22nd).
I found Jody's Gateway Women blog early in its existence, and read "Rocking the Life Unexpected" back in January 2014. This new edition includes more of everything that made the book such a great, invaluable read in its previous incarnations. It's a mixture of personal stories (Jody's own, plus the voices of some 40 other childless women -- and a few men!), historical background/cultural commentary (including some eye-opening statistics -- we're definitely not alone in being childless), and self-help guidance, including questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about your childless life. (These are similar to the exercises used in Gateway Women's Reignite weekends and Online Bee courses.)
If you are struggling with involuntary childlessness, this book is an absolute must-read. I only wish it had been around when I was first coming to terms with the realization that my childless life would be permanent. It would also be a great one to recommend (or simply hand over) to friends & family members who want to better understand & support you (but aren't quite sure how to do that). Five stars.
*** *** ***
January 2023: "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day is (quite rightly) regarded by many childless women as the "bible" for learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I own and have read all three editions of the book -- and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me. Over the past year, I've been re-reading the book again, chapter by chapter, working through (many of) the exercises (something I hadn't really done on past readings) and discussing them at monthly Zoom calls in the company of a small group of other childless women from around the world, all of us members of a private online support community.
This book -- known within the community by the acronym "LTLU" -- remains an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward. You don't HAVE to do the exercises, of course -- there is still plenty of benefit to be gained from reading the book without doing them -- but they're a great way to explore your thoughts and gain new insights -- and working through the book with other childless women, as I've been doing over the past year, is a fabulous way to gain new perspectives (and get to know some wonderful other childless women better, too!).
As we've now completed all 12 chapters and our year-long exploration of the book, I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars still stands. :)
*** *** ***
(January 21, 2024) "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is essential reading for women like me who are learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday. I've read this book multiple times now, on my own and in a discussion group setting, and each time, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me.
There are many more books out there now about life without children than there were a decade ago -- but this one continues to be an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads. It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward.
We recently completed all 12 chapters in a year-long exploration of the book, so I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands. :)
madeline_the_terrible's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Miscarriage and Infertility
Minor: Addiction
More...