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emmajewish's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
slow-paced
4.0
Book was a bit verbose at times. The audience is for people within (or at least very familiar with) the LGBTQ+ community, as there were many phrases and words I had to learn definitions for. That, combined with statistics and citations, made it feel like I was reading a textbook.
But is was very enlightening and informative! I just wish it was condensed a little.
But is was very enlightening and informative! I just wish it was condensed a little.
lifegoes_m's review
Very interesting, i really liked the way the author did not make romantic relationships more important than friendships and that the author mentioned that many times. Also i learned a lot which i did not expect to happen so thats great. LOVED the last section in which the interviewee’s give advice to younger people who are figuring themselves out.
Quotes: (for me to remember lol)
- "Sexual attraction is like wanting pizza, and in a world where almost everybody wants pizza (each one a different kind of pizza, but still pizza). I do not have any desire to eat pizza. This doesn’t mean I cannot eat pizza, or that if I try it I wouldn’t like it, but still I never experience the desire to eat pizza."
- "I usually just say I’m on the ace spectrum. Whether I’m completely asexual, grey, demi or what, I haven’t completely determined even after a couple decades knowing I’m in there somewhere, but I also don’t care too much to pin it down. Being “ace” is enough… I decided not to dig too deep into trying to pin down a specific term."
- “Queer” is a very useful word here: for someone whose experience of attraction, desire and sexuality might be ambiguous, undecided, in progress or wilfully un-articulated, “queer” offers a huge amount of space to play around in. It offers a way of articulating our experience without – as IJ described it – “dissecting it”.
- "This unconditionality and freedom from rigid expectations means that friendship can be anything we want it to be, and the importance of this flexibility cannot be overstated."
- "Because the thing about friendships is that they’re sites of mutual care: a network of friendships is like a garden, full of variety and therefore more healthy, robust and sustainable than a single crop. And like a vegetable garden, if you put work and energy into it, it will nourish you in return."
- "I actually found LG’s words refreshing: while they might occasionally feel romantically attracted to someone, romance was not an all-consuming driving force in their life. JK describes a similar experience, almost a type of freedom, from the many conventional expectations around dating and relationships: “[I] found that without any romantic goals for my life that maybe I didn’t need to structure my life around finding a romantic partner.”
- "There are infinite ways to be close to and express love for another person, and it’s gradually become clear to me that most of these probably don’t fit with the ways we’re taught to talk about relationships. Intimacy can be a three-hour conversation in a quiet corner of a pub, or giving your partner a massage after a long day at work, or simply being close to each other in companionable silence, in a way you aren’t with anyone else."
- "While I can enjoy romantic content in the media, I’m very much romance-confused so I have a complicated relationship with romance and romantic relationships. It’s possible that I have experienced romantic attraction before, but I wonder if it was limerence and if other people would’ve perceived them differently. It’s confusing for me to reflect too much on the romantic attraction so I try to focus on the topic of romantic relationships. I don’t know which behaviours and activities are romance-coded beyond referring to romance-coded things in the media."
- "Sex is a thing that you do not ever have to try if you don’t want to. Your sexuality is what you say it is regardless of who you have or have not had intercourse with."
- "Ultimately, deep, lasting love comes in many forms"
- "There’s nothing inherently bad about ending up on your own: we are all whole people all by ourselves. No matter what connections we find for ourselves – close friendships, a spouse, children or relatives – no other person completes us. We are each of us complete already."
- "I love being on my own, I love being the one person who determines my life and not being tied to anyone"
- "It’s freeing, in a way. To not have to think about relationships, to not have to look for someone to fall in love with. To not be dating. It’s just really nice. I can work on my personal projects without any worry. It’s quiet. I can buy some plants, maybe think about adopting a cat… I can help my friends, I can laugh at myself when sexual innuendo goes over my head, I can ignore people flirting because I genuinely don’t pick up on their signals. Saves a lot of stress!"
- "I like that it has widened my understanding of the variety of ways in which people can care for each other, and that all are of equal worth and validity."
- "Stop waiting for it to happen. It’s not going to happen, so just go and have fun, and pursue your own interests"
- "Whatever things you wish could be part of your future, that can be what you work towards. You don’t have to try to fit your life into the template you’ve been given, you can create your own."
- "Trust yourself, you really are ace"
- "I would [tell] her, or them, to be gentle with themselves. There is value in the knowing, when the knowing comes, but value in the learning, too."
- "I usually just say I’m on the ace spectrum. Whether I’m completely asexual, grey, demi or what, I haven’t completely determined even after a couple decades knowing I’m in there somewhere, but I also don’t care too much to pin it down. Being “ace” is enough… I decided not to dig too deep into trying to pin down a specific term."
- “Queer” is a very useful word here: for someone whose experience of attraction, desire and sexuality might be ambiguous, undecided, in progress or wilfully un-articulated, “queer” offers a huge amount of space to play around in. It offers a way of articulating our experience without – as IJ described it – “dissecting it”.
- "This unconditionality and freedom from rigid expectations means that friendship can be anything we want it to be, and the importance of this flexibility cannot be overstated."
- "Because the thing about friendships is that they’re sites of mutual care: a network of friendships is like a garden, full of variety and therefore more healthy, robust and sustainable than a single crop. And like a vegetable garden, if you put work and energy into it, it will nourish you in return."
- "I actually found LG’s words refreshing: while they might occasionally feel romantically attracted to someone, romance was not an all-consuming driving force in their life. JK describes a similar experience, almost a type of freedom, from the many conventional expectations around dating and relationships: “[I] found that without any romantic goals for my life that maybe I didn’t need to structure my life around finding a romantic partner.”
- "There are infinite ways to be close to and express love for another person, and it’s gradually become clear to me that most of these probably don’t fit with the ways we’re taught to talk about relationships. Intimacy can be a three-hour conversation in a quiet corner of a pub, or giving your partner a massage after a long day at work, or simply being close to each other in companionable silence, in a way you aren’t with anyone else."
- "While I can enjoy romantic content in the media, I’m very much romance-confused so I have a complicated relationship with romance and romantic relationships. It’s possible that I have experienced romantic attraction before, but I wonder if it was limerence and if other people would’ve perceived them differently. It’s confusing for me to reflect too much on the romantic attraction so I try to focus on the topic of romantic relationships. I don’t know which behaviours and activities are romance-coded beyond referring to romance-coded things in the media."
- "Sex is a thing that you do not ever have to try if you don’t want to. Your sexuality is what you say it is regardless of who you have or have not had intercourse with."
- "Ultimately, deep, lasting love comes in many forms"
- "There’s nothing inherently bad about ending up on your own: we are all whole people all by ourselves. No matter what connections we find for ourselves – close friendships, a spouse, children or relatives – no other person completes us. We are each of us complete already."
- "I love being on my own, I love being the one person who determines my life and not being tied to anyone"
- "It’s freeing, in a way. To not have to think about relationships, to not have to look for someone to fall in love with. To not be dating. It’s just really nice. I can work on my personal projects without any worry. It’s quiet. I can buy some plants, maybe think about adopting a cat… I can help my friends, I can laugh at myself when sexual innuendo goes over my head, I can ignore people flirting because I genuinely don’t pick up on their signals. Saves a lot of stress!"
- "I like that it has widened my understanding of the variety of ways in which people can care for each other, and that all are of equal worth and validity."
- "Stop waiting for it to happen. It’s not going to happen, so just go and have fun, and pursue your own interests"
- "Whatever things you wish could be part of your future, that can be what you work towards. You don’t have to try to fit your life into the template you’ve been given, you can create your own."
- "Trust yourself, you really are ace"
- "I would [tell] her, or them, to be gentle with themselves. There is value in the knowing, when the knowing comes, but value in the learning, too."
pikkumarja's review against another edition
informative
inspiring
reflective
3.75
I am not a non-fiction girly but this was really a very informative and beautiful book about a-spec people. Full of wise words and my world changed when I read about queerplatonic relationships!
You should read this if you are a-spec (ace or aro or demi or greyace) or you would like to know more about the A in LGBTQIA+
You should read this if you are a-spec (ace or aro or demi or greyace) or you would like to know more about the A in LGBTQIA+