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mjlb's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
slow-paced
4.25
shan1212's review
2.0
Reading this was difficult in ways I did not expect. I believe in and practice school integration, and I can relate to the author in many ways. I've had those awkward, cringe-worthy interactions across lines of difference where I am trying my best but failing to see so many pitfalls caused by my own biases. And I am a patreon of the author's newsletter; I generally find her very inspiring and contemplative. So it was a surprise to me that I had so many big feelings reading this.
I was not expecting the book to be so detailed in putting not only the author's journey and mess out there, but the journeys and mess of the other players in the book . . . the disabled single Black dad, the aggressive white mom who feels entitled to tell the principal and teacher how to do their jobs (who winds up being an obvious foil to the author), the inscrutable Black preK teacher. I believe the author had their permission and presented herself as a journalist who was trying to report on this as objectively as possible, but I was surprised to discover that she didn't change the names of the schools or anyone who was even remotely a public figure.
Perhaps because I could relate so much to the author's experiences, I was imagining if I were putting out the words and actions of my principal, my kids' teachers, the parents whom I befriend, etc. in a book. It felt invasive and exploitative, literally making money off of sharing these things. And knowing that these events all happened within the last couple of years only magnified that feeling. How can you painstakingly build trust despite systemic obstacles and power imbalances if you are recording and publishing everything your newfound friend says?
Maybe it was the author's journalism background that convinced her to be so detailed in sharing her interactions with other players, but I wish she had taken more of a general view. If journalism was her goal, she could have interviewed other parents experiencing segregation and integration from different viewpoints. But to write a detailed memoir about this subject, I think it would have been best to wait for more distance from the events (if my math is correct, her oldest is only starting 2nd grade). It took the founder of Integrated Schools many years to feel emboldened to guide others.
I do appreciate that she did the work of asking for feedback from a Black mentor, but I can see the point of Danzy Senna in her review in the Atlantic when she says, "The world these writers [Martin and Robin DiAngelo] evoke is one in which white people remain the center of the story and Black people are at the margins, poor, stiff, and dignified, with little better to do than open their homes and hearts to white women on journeys to racial self-awareness." On one hand, I love that Martin was so honest and retained the turns of phrase where her bias came out (calling the single dad a "creature"), but on the other, I can imagine prospective integrators thinking, "Well shoot, I don't have a Black PhD waiting to give feedback on my every move . . . should I give up before I start?" Most importantly, I don't think ANY white person should expect to be shepherded by people of color.
In full disclosure, it could just be me. I am not a memoir reader; I haven't even read the Obamas' memoirs. Maybe I got too into my head; maybe I don't like being in other people's heads. If you are someone who finds joy and inspiration reading memoirs, or if you are someone who doesn't know much about segregation or the common pitfalls to practicing antiracist school integration, then this book may be just for you.
What I did like . . . the history and sociology, the more creative sections (poems and important phrases repeated many times), the awareness brought to the evil of segregation. I see positive reviews and I am thankful that my experience is not universal. I know that privileged white folks need to say, hey, hello, I have been hugely oblivious to my biases and here's how I'm learning to spot them and change direction. It's important and necessary. I just wish it had been done in a different way.
ETA: One more area that weighed heavily on my heart was the portrayal of the author as the emotional support of the teachers during the pandemic, and her end note that she'll see the teachers "on the field at sunset."
I attended a workshop with the late Courtney Mykytyn, founder of Integrated Schools, and she was very adamant that white parents *not* be the BFF of the teacher because that's a white parent thing. I was a teacher and goodness knows they need support, but the white parent as a texting buddy of the teacher, as a *peer* and friend, is part of white supremacy culture and further perpetuates power imbalances when that's not the expectation or position held by Black and Brown parents. If there's a wish list I quietly buy from it, but I try to maintain a professional distance from the teachers and staff.
It's all well and good to aim for self-awareness, to struggle over how to show up and how not to, but if in the end you're the PTA president and have made yourself integral to the entire staff, is it OK to perpetuate white supremacy culture patterns because people just like you so darn much?
Again, I circle back to . . . this was too much, too soon. I wish the author well on her journey. I know she has a sharp mind and open heart.
Update Dec. 2022: I met a mom recently who was inspired by this book to pull her child from private school and put them in a hyper-segregated school. So again I thought, maybe it's just me. Maybe if you haven't been introduced to the idea of not putting your child in a privileged school, this book is a good starting point.
I was not expecting the book to be so detailed in putting not only the author's journey and mess out there, but the journeys and mess of the other players in the book . . . the disabled single Black dad, the aggressive white mom who feels entitled to tell the principal and teacher how to do their jobs (who winds up being an obvious foil to the author), the inscrutable Black preK teacher. I believe the author had their permission and presented herself as a journalist who was trying to report on this as objectively as possible, but I was surprised to discover that she didn't change the names of the schools or anyone who was even remotely a public figure.
Perhaps because I could relate so much to the author's experiences, I was imagining if I were putting out the words and actions of my principal, my kids' teachers, the parents whom I befriend, etc. in a book. It felt invasive and exploitative, literally making money off of sharing these things. And knowing that these events all happened within the last couple of years only magnified that feeling. How can you painstakingly build trust despite systemic obstacles and power imbalances if you are recording and publishing everything your newfound friend says?
Maybe it was the author's journalism background that convinced her to be so detailed in sharing her interactions with other players, but I wish she had taken more of a general view. If journalism was her goal, she could have interviewed other parents experiencing segregation and integration from different viewpoints. But to write a detailed memoir about this subject, I think it would have been best to wait for more distance from the events (if my math is correct, her oldest is only starting 2nd grade). It took the founder of Integrated Schools many years to feel emboldened to guide others.
I do appreciate that she did the work of asking for feedback from a Black mentor, but I can see the point of Danzy Senna in her review in the Atlantic when she says, "The world these writers [Martin and Robin DiAngelo] evoke is one in which white people remain the center of the story and Black people are at the margins, poor, stiff, and dignified, with little better to do than open their homes and hearts to white women on journeys to racial self-awareness." On one hand, I love that Martin was so honest and retained the turns of phrase where her bias came out (calling the single dad a "creature"), but on the other, I can imagine prospective integrators thinking, "Well shoot, I don't have a Black PhD waiting to give feedback on my every move . . . should I give up before I start?" Most importantly, I don't think ANY white person should expect to be shepherded by people of color.
In full disclosure, it could just be me. I am not a memoir reader; I haven't even read the Obamas' memoirs. Maybe I got too into my head; maybe I don't like being in other people's heads. If you are someone who finds joy and inspiration reading memoirs, or if you are someone who doesn't know much about segregation or the common pitfalls to practicing antiracist school integration, then this book may be just for you.
What I did like . . . the history and sociology, the more creative sections (poems and important phrases repeated many times), the awareness brought to the evil of segregation. I see positive reviews and I am thankful that my experience is not universal. I know that privileged white folks need to say, hey, hello, I have been hugely oblivious to my biases and here's how I'm learning to spot them and change direction. It's important and necessary. I just wish it had been done in a different way.
ETA: One more area that weighed heavily on my heart was the portrayal of the author as the emotional support of the teachers during the pandemic, and her end note that she'll see the teachers "on the field at sunset."
I attended a workshop with the late Courtney Mykytyn, founder of Integrated Schools, and she was very adamant that white parents *not* be the BFF of the teacher because that's a white parent thing. I was a teacher and goodness knows they need support, but the white parent as a texting buddy of the teacher, as a *peer* and friend, is part of white supremacy culture and further perpetuates power imbalances when that's not the expectation or position held by Black and Brown parents. If there's a wish list I quietly buy from it, but I try to maintain a professional distance from the teachers and staff.
It's all well and good to aim for self-awareness, to struggle over how to show up and how not to, but if in the end you're the PTA president and have made yourself integral to the entire staff, is it OK to perpetuate white supremacy culture patterns because people just like you so darn much?
Again, I circle back to . . . this was too much, too soon. I wish the author well on her journey. I know she has a sharp mind and open heart.
Update Dec. 2022: I met a mom recently who was inspired by this book to pull her child from private school and put them in a hyper-segregated school. So again I thought, maybe it's just me. Maybe if you haven't been introduced to the idea of not putting your child in a privileged school, this book is a good starting point.
angiew23's review
5.0
I loved this book, it turned out to be exactly what I had hoped for and am so glad I had the opportunity to read it thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the ARC! The author, Courtney Martin tells the story of deciding which school to enrol her oldest child, Maya, in pre-k. While some people might take this decision lightly and choose the school closest to them or the school they attended as a child, Courtney tours many schools and makes the decision with race and integration in mind. This memoir dives deep into examining the faults of the public education system, both from those working in the system, as well as the families who drive the change within their children’s education. The author gives an honest, and often humorous, commentary as she describes her interactions with students, teachers, principals, parents and community members during her daughter’s first 3 years of school. In the final chapters she also reflects on the changes the pandemic has brought to the education system, which reminds readers that tackling problems within the public education (and any efforts related to social justice) will always be a work in progress, and that no matter where your story ends, there is more work to do to make change in the future. This book is definitely a worthwhile read for any stakeholders in education, including teachers, policy makers, parents and maybe even students!
tofupup's review
5.0
This book vulnerably gets right to the ways well-meaning White people perpetuate inequity. Martin's words perfectly expressed many of my own failures. An incredible read.
megatsunami's review
4.0
There was a lot to enjoy here. The author's experiences mirrored many that I've had as a white public school parent in Oakland (there were some scenes that I felt as if I had actually written myself). Her analysis is very astute and I liked that she didn't try to make everything neat and tidy. She is (as other reviewers have commented) especially smart when talking about other white parents and the way they talk about race (or don't talk about it) in relation to school decision making. It was fun for me to read about places and events that I was so familiar with.
Oh also, the bit about saying "My child's not gifted"? Gold, pure gold.
I felt like she was a little self-congratulatory at times (like in the part where she talks about recruiting parents of color for the SSC). Also that she conflates race and class at times. I was uncomfortable with her going after Saru Jayaraman so strongly in the Kaiser school merge debates - I couldn't disagree that some of the things she cited were problematic, but I thought it was troubling that she focused so much on a woman of color's role in what was a majority white group (and she really did focus in, for example I recall some judgy, superfluous description of Saru's interaction with her daughter).
I felt the title was misleading (though that's probably not her fault) - it's really mostly about school choice and only somewhat about her actual experiences at the school. Would love to hear more analysis and reflection once her daughter's been in school for some years.
Oh also, the bit about saying "My child's not gifted"? Gold, pure gold.
I felt like she was a little self-congratulatory at times (like in the part where she talks about recruiting parents of color for the SSC). Also that she conflates race and class at times. I was uncomfortable with her going after Saru Jayaraman so strongly in the Kaiser school merge debates - I couldn't disagree that some of the things she cited were problematic, but I thought it was troubling that she focused so much on a woman of color's role in what was a majority white group (and she really did focus in, for example I recall some judgy, superfluous description of Saru's interaction with her daughter).
I felt the title was misleading (though that's probably not her fault) - it's really mostly about school choice and only somewhat about her actual experiences at the school. Would love to hear more analysis and reflection once her daughter's been in school for some years.
staceface's review
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced
4.5
I loved this book! I think it’s especially important for white parents of young children to read. I must say, I read this with a critical eye, always on the lookout, for the author potentially falling into a position of the white savior, but I was impressed by her thoughtfulness throughout. She does an excellent job of constantly examining her privilege, reflecting on her actions, and asking herself and her community how she can do better. I think that’s more than a lot of white folks are doing when it comes to this topic, or just existing within a white supremacist society in general, and how to actively try to dismantle that.
Structurally, I super duper appreciate that the book has incredibly short chapters. It really helped me fly through it! Aside from the fact that it’s just a very well-written and compelling book. I’ve got lots of pages dog-eared and lots of passages underlined. Glad I finally read this one!
Structurally, I super duper appreciate that the book has incredibly short chapters. It really helped me fly through it! Aside from the fact that it’s just a very well-written and compelling book. I’ve got lots of pages dog-eared and lots of passages underlined. Glad I finally read this one!
mindfullibrarian's review
5.0
(free review copy) Damn, this is complicated. Usually with books that have a major impact on me, I'm able to run around yelling, "YOU need to read this book, and YOU, and YOU, and YOU!". But I don't think that's appropriate here, because this book hit me so hard because of who I am, what I've lived, and what I haven't. It won't be THE book for everyone.
For context: I'm a 40-year-old White mother and school librarian living in rural Wisconsin, working in a small city school district. I grew up in even more rural Wisconsin and went to college in the same small city where I work. I consider myself liberal and progressive and passionate about social justice issues. But the school I work in is 98% White and the schools my kids attend are too, mostly because of the demographics of the communities the schools are in. Where I live, most towns are small and have exactly one school to choose from. You can open enroll to other towns and districts or to parochial schools, but the racial make-up doesn't change a ton. My parents were public school educators (my mom attended college while I was in elementary school), and I work in public schools now and my husband is a Teamster driver. We get by okay but are in no way as wealthy as the community of White parents portrayed in this book. We have so much privilege, but not the money.
All that context to help you understand why the book was such an eye-opener for me. Sure, I've read academic works on school segregation and integration, and know on a conceptual / professional level the disparities in schools. However, the motherhood lens that this book was written through was what gave it such power for me. As someone who considers myself on an anti-racist journey, I squirmed HARD at a lot of what Martin shared about her own family's decision in this book. Her skewering of White progressives was aimed at both herself and me, and it's always harder (less easy to dismiss) to hear a critical message from one of your own. There are so many worthy and academic voices to listen to on this topic, but just like your mom telling you she's disappointed in you, the sting of disapproval hurts most from those closest to you.
Readers who have lived in Oakland, Black readers, readers who live in other communities like Oakland, anyone who has a different background than I do ........... you might know all this already. You may live it everyday and roll your eyes and get pissed at the rich White lady coming in and writing about your lived experience. Readers who care zero about integrating schools and who are just fine with things the way they are now, you probably won't read this book. There are many, many scholarly works out there about this topic, but the tone of this and the narrative style are why I finished it in a day. Do we have a White Savior on our hands, you may ask? Well, that's what Martin is asking herself and wrestling with the entire time. Personally, I think she does an okay job of laying her White guilt over the entire story and ensuring that readers understand she's sharing her own journey of trying to do better, but not always knowing exactly how. That listening to and letting Black parents lead is the best way to help majority-Black schools.
Another thing to note is that like the rest of the damn world, COVID brought the arc of this story to a screeching halt and completely changed where it was going. The last section of the book (about 60 pages out of a total 365) was a bit of a disappointment to me because of course, EVERYTHING CHANGED as soon as COVID hit and of course Martin's experience in the neighborhood and with her reporting had to change. I don't know if anything could have been done with that, and I guess it's just a sign of the times. Also, I struggled to relate to the wealth Martin writes about because it's just not the world I live in, and have honestly never really even been exposed to. However, this book overall left me thinking hard on this topic and discussing it with friends. If it gets me digging deeper and reading harder and investigating more, then the author did her job exceptionally well.
Highly recommended for White progressives who are open to a hard reality check.
For context: I'm a 40-year-old White mother and school librarian living in rural Wisconsin, working in a small city school district. I grew up in even more rural Wisconsin and went to college in the same small city where I work. I consider myself liberal and progressive and passionate about social justice issues. But the school I work in is 98% White and the schools my kids attend are too, mostly because of the demographics of the communities the schools are in. Where I live, most towns are small and have exactly one school to choose from. You can open enroll to other towns and districts or to parochial schools, but the racial make-up doesn't change a ton. My parents were public school educators (my mom attended college while I was in elementary school), and I work in public schools now and my husband is a Teamster driver. We get by okay but are in no way as wealthy as the community of White parents portrayed in this book. We have so much privilege, but not the money.
All that context to help you understand why the book was such an eye-opener for me. Sure, I've read academic works on school segregation and integration, and know on a conceptual / professional level the disparities in schools. However, the motherhood lens that this book was written through was what gave it such power for me. As someone who considers myself on an anti-racist journey, I squirmed HARD at a lot of what Martin shared about her own family's decision in this book. Her skewering of White progressives was aimed at both herself and me, and it's always harder (less easy to dismiss) to hear a critical message from one of your own. There are so many worthy and academic voices to listen to on this topic, but just like your mom telling you she's disappointed in you, the sting of disapproval hurts most from those closest to you.
Readers who have lived in Oakland, Black readers, readers who live in other communities like Oakland, anyone who has a different background than I do ........... you might know all this already. You may live it everyday and roll your eyes and get pissed at the rich White lady coming in and writing about your lived experience. Readers who care zero about integrating schools and who are just fine with things the way they are now, you probably won't read this book. There are many, many scholarly works out there about this topic, but the tone of this and the narrative style are why I finished it in a day. Do we have a White Savior on our hands, you may ask? Well, that's what Martin is asking herself and wrestling with the entire time. Personally, I think she does an okay job of laying her White guilt over the entire story and ensuring that readers understand she's sharing her own journey of trying to do better, but not always knowing exactly how. That listening to and letting Black parents lead is the best way to help majority-Black schools.
Another thing to note is that like the rest of the damn world, COVID brought the arc of this story to a screeching halt and completely changed where it was going. The last section of the book (about 60 pages out of a total 365) was a bit of a disappointment to me because of course, EVERYTHING CHANGED as soon as COVID hit and of course Martin's experience in the neighborhood and with her reporting had to change. I don't know if anything could have been done with that, and I guess it's just a sign of the times. Also, I struggled to relate to the wealth Martin writes about because it's just not the world I live in, and have honestly never really even been exposed to. However, this book overall left me thinking hard on this topic and discussing it with friends. If it gets me digging deeper and reading harder and investigating more, then the author did her job exceptionally well.
Highly recommended for White progressives who are open to a hard reality check.