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Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids by Meghan Daum
leggup's review against another edition
5.0
I think this book is very valuable, regardless of your parenthood status or aspirations. I was a little peeved that so many of the authors focused on mental health issues, although I did like that one said something to the tune of "Messed up childhoods are as common as 2 car garages" (to paraphrase). I also understand why so many authors were like, "I love kids! I wish everyone knew that childfree doesn't mean child-hating." True, it does not necessarily mean child-hating. I guess I'm just one of the rare childfree people who is child-hating.
The stories by Pam Houston, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider especially resonated with me. I did not relate to all of the stories, but that's the cool thing about hearing a variety of voices. I think that this book would be very helpful for people who have kids or want kids. Your friends and loved ones may be any one of these men and women across the spectrum. Maybe your sister is going to be a doting aunt. Maybe your coworker loathes the neediness of children, maybe there are some mental health things going on and you shouldn't press the, "Why don't you want to be a mommy!?" agenda (well-- you should never push that agenda).
One of the stories involves a childfree woman lamenting that she will never be as important to anyone as a mother is to a child. That had never actually occurred to me. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it had never occurred to me before.
The stories by Pam Houston, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider especially resonated with me. I did not relate to all of the stories, but that's the cool thing about hearing a variety of voices. I think that this book would be very helpful for people who have kids or want kids. Your friends and loved ones may be any one of these men and women across the spectrum. Maybe your sister is going to be a doting aunt. Maybe your coworker loathes the neediness of children, maybe there are some mental health things going on and you shouldn't press the, "Why don't you want to be a mommy!?" agenda (well-- you should never push that agenda).
One of the stories involves a childfree woman lamenting that she will never be as important to anyone as a mother is to a child. That had never actually occurred to me. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it had never occurred to me before.
libellum_aphrodite's review against another edition
2.0
This whole collection exuded an air of melancholy. Books often acted as surrogates for children. Where children were lacking, novels or other works of writing substituted for a life's creative project. Books standing in for children distressed even me, a person whose home doesn't feel complete until my books are unpacked and shelved. At least two of depression, loneliness, lost relationships, abandonment, abuse, and alcoholism featured in all the stories in one way or another. While all seemed contented enough with their lives, none felt all that happy - or, since I can't truly speak for others' happiness, all I can say is reading about their lives made me feel sad.
The book suffered from having all its essayists be professional writers. Yes, yes, that's in the title, but it tilted the perspective very hard to the childless college professor and left other perspectives unexplored. Overall, it could have been more relatable with a broader spread of backgrounds and career paths. I suspect a tortured writer complex exacerbated much of the melancholy mentioned above.
One point that did not make me ooze that pity (which every one of these authors would hate) is the gaping double standard between women and men for expectations of children. Men's choices about children were questioned much less than women's. Our society is chock full of unbalanced expectations for women and men around child rearing, and opting out of it is clearly no exception. I entirely agree that this needs fixing. While I'm sure the authors would reject my general despondency about their essays, at least it was gender blind.
The book suffered from having all its essayists be professional writers. Yes, yes, that's in the title, but it tilted the perspective very hard to the childless college professor and left other perspectives unexplored. Overall, it could have been more relatable with a broader spread of backgrounds and career paths. I suspect a tortured writer complex exacerbated much of the melancholy mentioned above.
One point that did not make me ooze that pity (which every one of these authors would hate) is the gaping double standard between women and men for expectations of children. Men's choices about children were questioned much less than women's. Our society is chock full of unbalanced expectations for women and men around child rearing, and opting out of it is clearly no exception. I entirely agree that this needs fixing. While I'm sure the authors would reject my general despondency about their essays, at least it was gender blind.
cametoconquer's review against another edition
challenging
informative
medium-paced
4.25
Overall a very interesting read. It's great to hear from people who are well past their child rearing years, on how this decision they made years ago panned out. The only reason it is not 5 stars is that some chapters were better than others (a couple made me mad), and that inevitably there was a considerable amount of repetition as a lot of the reasons to not have children were pretty common.
kathleenguthriewoods's review against another edition
5.0
For me this book was work related, but also personal, and also very thought-provoking. This one really is for everyone. People’s “choices” for being child-free are as varied as people themselves. Some of these essays are funny, some made me cry. All are well-written.
mcwat's review against another edition
Like Kate Bolick's Spinster, which I also read recently, this book gave me a lot to think about (and to discuss with my mother and grandmother). Having finished reading it, I'm now considering whether many guys my age ask the same question I posed to my supervisor at the internship I began last week—namely, "How do you balance your career with your family life?"
This is one of the questions implicitly at the heart of this book, and for many of the contributors, the answer is an implicit ...I don't. I identified a great deal with what many of the contributors said about their wishes to be free to travel, to develop deeply meaningful friendships and relationships, and simply to spend time alone. (For me, alone time is not so much a wish as it is a need. I'd go insane without copious amounts of it.) For nearly all of the writers whose work appeared in this book, these wishes are what shaped their child-free lives. As somebody who's pretty much always assumed she'd have children, that scares me—what if this means I'm not cut out for motherhood? Even scarier: what if that's okay?
A couple of things made me feel better about all this: first, I'm glad that I'm asking myself these questions sooner rather than later. In my (paltry twenty years of) experience, the more time I spend mulling over major choices, the better I feel about them in the end. Second, and somewhat in contradiction with what I just wrote, is an idea that many essays in this book touch upon—which is that, no matter what I choose, child-free or not, married or not, I am sure to accumulate a ton of regrets over the course of my Big Scary Looming Adulthood. Somehow, that's comforting.
This is one of the questions implicitly at the heart of this book, and for many of the contributors, the answer is an implicit ...I don't. I identified a great deal with what many of the contributors said about their wishes to be free to travel, to develop deeply meaningful friendships and relationships, and simply to spend time alone. (For me, alone time is not so much a wish as it is a need. I'd go insane without copious amounts of it.) For nearly all of the writers whose work appeared in this book, these wishes are what shaped their child-free lives. As somebody who's pretty much always assumed she'd have children, that scares me—what if this means I'm not cut out for motherhood? Even scarier: what if that's okay?
A couple of things made me feel better about all this: first, I'm glad that I'm asking myself these questions sooner rather than later. In my (paltry twenty years of) experience, the more time I spend mulling over major choices, the better I feel about them in the end. Second, and somewhat in contradiction with what I just wrote, is an idea that many essays in this book touch upon—which is that, no matter what I choose, child-free or not, married or not, I am sure to accumulate a ton of regrets over the course of my Big Scary Looming Adulthood. Somehow, that's comforting.
holly_keimig's review against another edition
4.0
50 Book Reading Challenge 2015: A book published this year
Very good read. I recommend it for all the childless people out there who do not want to feel alone. All the essays are written by professional writers so the perspective is slightly skewed in that way, but the essays still speak to many different experiences. Highly recommended!
Very good read. I recommend it for all the childless people out there who do not want to feel alone. All the essays are written by professional writers so the perspective is slightly skewed in that way, but the essays still speak to many different experiences. Highly recommended!
ashpanda88's review
3.0
As someone who also chooses to remain childless, I found it interesting to hear the many unique reasons why people have made the same choice as me and their experiences in making such a decision (reactions from family members, co-workers etc...) I appreciated the honesty of each essay. However, I wish there had been a larger variety of age groups and cultures represented amongst the writers chosen for this collection.
Specific to the audio book: I found the narrators to be hard to follow at times because there was only one male and one female narrator and they used similar voices for each person. It was hard to tell where one essay ended and another began. I may have enjoyed this book more if I had read it in physical format.
Specific to the audio book: I found the narrators to be hard to follow at times because there was only one male and one female narrator and they used similar voices for each person. It was hard to tell where one essay ended and another began. I may have enjoyed this book more if I had read it in physical format.
audryt's review against another edition
The title of this book isn't quite accurate, as some of the included authors did not directly decide to not have kids, but ended up not having them due to myriad circumstances. Regardless, everyone included has a different perspective on not having children; their lives and experiences matter, as do their feelings regarding parenthood and pregnancy.
We live in a world that dismisses anyone who does not breed -- the problem with that is that it implies that parenthood should precisely that: merely breeding for the survival and expansion of the human species. It dehumanizes everyone, both parents and non-parents. There be should no pressure at all to have children; many people still would out of genuine desire to nurture and raise their babies. But the rest would be able to live the lives that are right for them, instead of existing in a state of constant and relentless abuse -- because trying to coerce someone into being something they aren't or something they shouldn't is always a form of abuse.
Listen to the stories being told here and everywhere else. You do not ever have the right to control another person's body or dictate what they do with their life, no matter what self-serving excuse you use.
We live in a world that dismisses anyone who does not breed -- the problem with that is that it implies that parenthood should precisely that: merely breeding for the survival and expansion of the human species. It dehumanizes everyone, both parents and non-parents. There be should no pressure at all to have children; many people still would out of genuine desire to nurture and raise their babies. But the rest would be able to live the lives that are right for them, instead of existing in a state of constant and relentless abuse -- because trying to coerce someone into being something they aren't or something they shouldn't is always a form of abuse.
Listen to the stories being told here and everywhere else. You do not ever have the right to control another person's body or dictate what they do with their life, no matter what self-serving excuse you use.