A review by autisticpoetryqueer
It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover

dark emotional reflective sad tense medium-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? Character
  • Strong character development? Yes
  • Loveable characters? It's complicated
  • Diverse cast of characters? No
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

2.5

I read this book because it was recommended by the counselor who ran the SA survivors support group I attended this spring. I have conflicting feelings about this book.

The author's note at the end states that the author wrote this book largely based off her childhood experiences. Her father was abusive to her mother, and her mother divorced him when the author was little (I believe three years old, if my memory is right).
The way that Ryle first hurts Lily in the book is the same way her father first harmed her mother.
She spoke to her mother and asked for her permission to write this book. It was a very personal process, and she said that many times she wanted to go back and change Lily's story. She wanted Lily to stop forgiving him so many times, but as she got into writing the perspective of the character, she realized that it was a lot more complicated and confusing than that.

I do appreciate that this book showed how confusing abusive situations are and that it can happen to anyone. You can develop a deep sense of trust with someone, only to learn that they are manipulative and violent later. In the beginning of the book, I went back and forth on whether I liked Ryle or not. I could feel the protagonist's deliberation and ambivalence about the situation. 

After Ryle injures Lily and attempts to rape her, my heart broke at her lack of resources. She wasn't sure who to call for help.
This part of the book was admittedly a bit personally triggering for me. Her loneliness is something I think every survivor has unfortunately experienced. 

This book wrestled a lot with the idea of "why do women stay in abusive situations?" It tried to shift the narrative away from blaming (and shaming) women being abused and onto the men doing the abusing. 

I do feel like this book illustrated the strength of survivors. However, I still feel like the book made too many excuses for Ryle at some points.
I didn't like that he was involved with Lily during her pregnancy and that he was co-parenting Emerson. I also didn't like that Lily named Emerson after his brother. I felt like she kept too many ties to Ryle. He doesn't have any right to be involved in her life or her daughter's life, yet I feel like Lily felt she had no choice but to allow him the right to be a father. 
It made my stomach twist uncomfortably. 

While every situation is complicated, I felt like this book was trying to end on a hopeful note, and I didn't feel like that was accomplished. I feel nervous that
Ryle is a father and that he is still on friendly terms with Lily. While the book stresses that there are many men who abusive to their wives but never their children, I feel like his anger is definitely unsafe. Even if he never physically harms his child, there are plenty of ways that he could scar Emerson for life.


I wanted this book to go in a different direction, but I do feel like it made me realize some things about my own relationship to my survivorship. It was a thought provoking read. I'd be careful about recommending this book to survivors though as some of the scenes are graphic and difficult to read. It could be potentially triggering. 

I'd say this book is a conversation starter. Some elements I enjoyed, others I did not. I think survivors sharing their stories should always be encouraged, and I'm sure this book will resonate with some survivors out there. I am not sure it hit the mark for me though. 
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