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sumatra_squall 's review for:
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility
by Foster Cline, Jim Fay
The first few chapters of Foster Cline and Jim Fay's Parenting with Love and Logic covers fairly familiar ground for a parenting book, laying out ineffective parenting styles like helicopter parenting (and its latest version, the "turbo-attack helicopter model"), drill sergeant parenting, and laissez-faire parenting. Cline and Foster argue that:
"effective parenting centres around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesn't tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and to permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Most mistakes do have logical consequences. And those consequences, when accompanied by empathy - our compassionate understanding of the child's disappointment, frustration and pain - hit home with mind-changing power".
What stood out for me was how Cline and Fay framed the WHY of effective parenting, that that we must equip our kids from the earliest possible stage to make good decisions independently. They point out that kids are forced to grow up quicker these days and the better we equip them to cope with the challenges and pressures of contemporary life - drugs, sex, online harms to name just a few - the better they will fare. When kids make what seem like stupid, self-destructive decisions, Fay and Cline argue that "the tragic truth is that many of these foolish choices are the first real decisions they have ever made". When parents constantly make decisions for you, you lack practice in making good choices. The problem with helicopter parents and drill sergeant parents is that they never allow their kids the opportunities to learn how to make decisions (and bear the consequences of decisions poorly made). They make choices on behalf of their kids or spare them the consequences of their actions.
By contrast, the "consultant parent" provides "thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits…based on the safety of the child and how the child's behaviour affects others. [Consultant parents then]…maintain those limits to help children understand that they are responsible for their actions and will suffer reasonable consequences for actions that are inappropriate. However, while the parents are drawing and holding these limits, it is important for them to continue encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control of their actions by giving choices within those limits." And as children get older, parents must learn to give them more freedom, and take a step back from "being the enforcer of limits and let reasonable, real-world consequences do the teaching".
Fay and Cline make a distinction with children's behaviours that present a problem to the parents directly, and those that are the kid's problems. Examples of the former include how children relate to their parents (being rude), how they do chores, waking parents up in the middle of the night, misbehaving in public, etc. In such situations, parents have to make clear what boundaries have been crossed and the consequences. Examples of the latter include kids not doing their homework, being tardy for class, being bossy with their friends - in these cases, parents need to help the kids recognise and learn from the consequences of their actions and be very clear that it is the kid's problem, not the parent's to fix. Fay and Cline also suggest that kids should be able to make most decisions without parental input by the time they are eleven or twelve (!!).
Cline and Fay offer various helpful tips on teaching kids to make good decisions - by asking children questions and offering choices, and by letting them bear the consequences of their actions - and also give plenty of examples of how to handle common situations with kids. Some of the ones that stood out for me:
- Learning at affordable prices: Let your kid make mistakes and bear the consequences when the price is small, rather than when they get older and the stakes are much higher. So let your kid go outside without a warm jacket if they can then learn to choose the right clothing for the weather (and not have you choose for them). Cline and Fay even go so far as to suggest that you can let your kid learn that mouthing off to the bigger kids will result in bruises and tears.
- How might we give our kids the message that they are capable and loved through the signals we send when we let them make their own decisions, allow them to help and contribute around the house?
- Set enforceable limits without showing anger, lecturing or using threats. Use enforceable statements like "please feel free to join us for dinner when your room is clean", or "feel free to join us in the living room to watch some TV once your chores are finished".
- When offering choices, both choices must be truly acceptable to you and you are prepared to enforce the choices given. Stay away from alternatives both you and your child know you won't carry out (e.g. leaving them behind in a restaurant). And while you may only give two verbal choices, make sure the child knows that there is an implied third choice: that if he doesn't decide, you'll decide for him.
- Use thinking words, not fighting words: these are words "used in question form and expressed in enforceable statements [that]…place the responsibility for thinking and decision making on the children." Fighting words start with a "no" (e.g. no, you can't do this unless…). Thinking words start with a "yes" (e.g. yes, you can do that as soon as you…)
- "The secret to establishing control is to concentrate on fighting battles that we know we can win…we must pick the areas where we do have control over our kids. Then we must offer choices in those areas." So while we cannot make our kids eat if they don't want to, we can control whether they are at the table or not. And while we cannot control the words that come out of our kids' mouth, we can send them away until they are prepared to speak nicely.
- On allowances, Cline and Fay advocate for letting the kids do what they want with their allowance and not be forced to save it. This teaches them to learn to manage their own money.
- On bullies: Cline and Fay advocate for teaching the kid to learn to cope with bullying - to focus on what is going on inside the child rather than trying to change what is happening on the outside. Parents should also let the kid know that being teased doesn't mean that there is something wrong with him but that it's a problem that other children have.
- On picking up after themselves: Cline and Fay advocate for kids picking up after themselves once they leave kindergarten age. And if they have a messy room, that's their problem. But once the mess encroaches on family spaces, they suggest that parents give a choice of the kids picking up after themselves or parents doing it for them - and the kid not being able to see the toy until they've demonstrated the ability to be responsible for their own stuff.
There are plenty of other situations that Cline and Fay cover - from situations with younger kids like teeth brushing, telephone interruptions, kids waking their parents up in the middle of the night, tantrums, to situations with older kids like peer pressure, sassing and disrespect, swearing and bad language and computer and video games. I imagine that parents would find this a useful resource to dip into periodically.
Cline and Fay acknowledge that giving our kids the opportunity to make decisions and to handle their problems independently is tough. If a child is lazy and has uncomplete homework and poor grades, this can be extremely distressing for the parents and parents "must find a loving way to allow the consequences to do the teaching for the child, whatever the consequences might be". This is a tough thing for parents to hear and practise but Fay and Cline make a compelling case why it's a necessary skill for parents to learn.
"effective parenting centres around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesn't tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and to permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Most mistakes do have logical consequences. And those consequences, when accompanied by empathy - our compassionate understanding of the child's disappointment, frustration and pain - hit home with mind-changing power".
What stood out for me was how Cline and Fay framed the WHY of effective parenting, that that we must equip our kids from the earliest possible stage to make good decisions independently. They point out that kids are forced to grow up quicker these days and the better we equip them to cope with the challenges and pressures of contemporary life - drugs, sex, online harms to name just a few - the better they will fare. When kids make what seem like stupid, self-destructive decisions, Fay and Cline argue that "the tragic truth is that many of these foolish choices are the first real decisions they have ever made". When parents constantly make decisions for you, you lack practice in making good choices. The problem with helicopter parents and drill sergeant parents is that they never allow their kids the opportunities to learn how to make decisions (and bear the consequences of decisions poorly made). They make choices on behalf of their kids or spare them the consequences of their actions.
By contrast, the "consultant parent" provides "thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits…based on the safety of the child and how the child's behaviour affects others. [Consultant parents then]…maintain those limits to help children understand that they are responsible for their actions and will suffer reasonable consequences for actions that are inappropriate. However, while the parents are drawing and holding these limits, it is important for them to continue encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control of their actions by giving choices within those limits." And as children get older, parents must learn to give them more freedom, and take a step back from "being the enforcer of limits and let reasonable, real-world consequences do the teaching".
Fay and Cline make a distinction with children's behaviours that present a problem to the parents directly, and those that are the kid's problems. Examples of the former include how children relate to their parents (being rude), how they do chores, waking parents up in the middle of the night, misbehaving in public, etc. In such situations, parents have to make clear what boundaries have been crossed and the consequences. Examples of the latter include kids not doing their homework, being tardy for class, being bossy with their friends - in these cases, parents need to help the kids recognise and learn from the consequences of their actions and be very clear that it is the kid's problem, not the parent's to fix. Fay and Cline also suggest that kids should be able to make most decisions without parental input by the time they are eleven or twelve (!!).
Cline and Fay offer various helpful tips on teaching kids to make good decisions - by asking children questions and offering choices, and by letting them bear the consequences of their actions - and also give plenty of examples of how to handle common situations with kids. Some of the ones that stood out for me:
- Learning at affordable prices: Let your kid make mistakes and bear the consequences when the price is small, rather than when they get older and the stakes are much higher. So let your kid go outside without a warm jacket if they can then learn to choose the right clothing for the weather (and not have you choose for them). Cline and Fay even go so far as to suggest that you can let your kid learn that mouthing off to the bigger kids will result in bruises and tears.
- How might we give our kids the message that they are capable and loved through the signals we send when we let them make their own decisions, allow them to help and contribute around the house?
- Set enforceable limits without showing anger, lecturing or using threats. Use enforceable statements like "please feel free to join us for dinner when your room is clean", or "feel free to join us in the living room to watch some TV once your chores are finished".
- When offering choices, both choices must be truly acceptable to you and you are prepared to enforce the choices given. Stay away from alternatives both you and your child know you won't carry out (e.g. leaving them behind in a restaurant). And while you may only give two verbal choices, make sure the child knows that there is an implied third choice: that if he doesn't decide, you'll decide for him.
- Use thinking words, not fighting words: these are words "used in question form and expressed in enforceable statements [that]…place the responsibility for thinking and decision making on the children." Fighting words start with a "no" (e.g. no, you can't do this unless…). Thinking words start with a "yes" (e.g. yes, you can do that as soon as you…)
- "The secret to establishing control is to concentrate on fighting battles that we know we can win…we must pick the areas where we do have control over our kids. Then we must offer choices in those areas." So while we cannot make our kids eat if they don't want to, we can control whether they are at the table or not. And while we cannot control the words that come out of our kids' mouth, we can send them away until they are prepared to speak nicely.
- On allowances, Cline and Fay advocate for letting the kids do what they want with their allowance and not be forced to save it. This teaches them to learn to manage their own money.
- On bullies: Cline and Fay advocate for teaching the kid to learn to cope with bullying - to focus on what is going on inside the child rather than trying to change what is happening on the outside. Parents should also let the kid know that being teased doesn't mean that there is something wrong with him but that it's a problem that other children have.
- On picking up after themselves: Cline and Fay advocate for kids picking up after themselves once they leave kindergarten age. And if they have a messy room, that's their problem. But once the mess encroaches on family spaces, they suggest that parents give a choice of the kids picking up after themselves or parents doing it for them - and the kid not being able to see the toy until they've demonstrated the ability to be responsible for their own stuff.
There are plenty of other situations that Cline and Fay cover - from situations with younger kids like teeth brushing, telephone interruptions, kids waking their parents up in the middle of the night, tantrums, to situations with older kids like peer pressure, sassing and disrespect, swearing and bad language and computer and video games. I imagine that parents would find this a useful resource to dip into periodically.
Cline and Fay acknowledge that giving our kids the opportunity to make decisions and to handle their problems independently is tough. If a child is lazy and has uncomplete homework and poor grades, this can be extremely distressing for the parents and parents "must find a loving way to allow the consequences to do the teaching for the child, whatever the consequences might be". This is a tough thing for parents to hear and practise but Fay and Cline make a compelling case why it's a necessary skill for parents to learn.