Scan barcode
A review by jesssalexander
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Milan Yerkovich
2.0
I don't love reading this type of book, but some of the insights were helpful, not just when looking at my own patterns in relationships but also with general compassion for people who are very different than me. I think they lean waaaaay too heavy on the nurture not nature argument, but hey I'm no expert.
This book proposes 5 ways in which couples imperfectly love one another and provides strategies and rationale for improving relationships that are based on looking backward at our upbringings. The book asks us to consider our past and how we were taught about love through parents and other important people in our lives in childhood (insert chaise lounge and clipboard..."so tell me about your childhood"). This is supposed to give us more compassion with our spouses and deeper insight into our relationship in order to make cyclical conflict less frequent. The five styles of love as outlined in the book are...
Avoiders: can seem less engaged in the relationship, "check-out" in difficult conversations, avoid conflict, treasure alone time, feel like their spouse is needy
Pleasers: give a lot but struggle to receive, get anxious when their spouse isn't spending time with them or is upset, tries to read mood and situations, peacemaker
Vacilators: have high highs and low lows, struggle to see their own blame in the relationship, are romantics and can idealize their relationship, and then get disappointed and bitter. Their mood dictates the mood of the room.
Controllers and victims: go hand in hand, come from a volatile family background. Often are drawn to each other.
After delineating these love styles and describing how different love style combinations typically interact helps point out patterns and can eliminate some negative interactions. I don't see me or my husband as an exact replica of any of these, but it helps me be more thoughtful about how we resolve conflict and love one another well.
This book proposes 5 ways in which couples imperfectly love one another and provides strategies and rationale for improving relationships that are based on looking backward at our upbringings. The book asks us to consider our past and how we were taught about love through parents and other important people in our lives in childhood (insert chaise lounge and clipboard..."so tell me about your childhood"). This is supposed to give us more compassion with our spouses and deeper insight into our relationship in order to make cyclical conflict less frequent. The five styles of love as outlined in the book are...
Avoiders: can seem less engaged in the relationship, "check-out" in difficult conversations, avoid conflict, treasure alone time, feel like their spouse is needy
Pleasers: give a lot but struggle to receive, get anxious when their spouse isn't spending time with them or is upset, tries to read mood and situations, peacemaker
Vacilators: have high highs and low lows, struggle to see their own blame in the relationship, are romantics and can idealize their relationship, and then get disappointed and bitter. Their mood dictates the mood of the room.
Controllers and victims: go hand in hand, come from a volatile family background. Often are drawn to each other.
After delineating these love styles and describing how different love style combinations typically interact helps point out patterns and can eliminate some negative interactions. I don't see me or my husband as an exact replica of any of these, but it helps me be more thoughtful about how we resolve conflict and love one another well.