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A review by nghia
Mindful Discipline: A Loving Approach to Setting Limits and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Shauna Shapiro, Chris White
2.0
I didn't realise this -- the title should have been a big clue but I guess I was oblivious -- but this is a parenting guide with "mindfulness" at its heart. That is, the modern secular not-quite-Buddhist practice of "mindfulness". An awful lot of the book is repeating stuff Rick Hanson's [b:Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom|6796675|Buddha's Brain The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom|Rick Hanson|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1344907492l/6796675._SX50_.jpg|7001984], which I have actually read, meaning a ton of stuff was very boring and skippable for me.
The mindfulness aspect really just means something like, take a deep breath and calm down before dealing with your kid.
Overall I found this way too theoretical to be especially useful. After a very long Part 1, which is basically Yet Another Introduction to Mindfulness, you get to the core of the book. The Five Essential Elements of Mindful Discipline: unconditional love, space, mentorship, healthy boundaries, and mis-takes.
There are occasional nice nuggets of actionable, practical advice. But far too often we get stuff like:
Or
Or
Uh, okay. I think everyone -- at least everyone who is likely to pick up this book -- knows parenting is often about balancing between two things. But what's the right balance? All too often in this scenarios the book basically falls back on "use you intuition and judgment". Okay, sure, but that's what I was doing before I picked up this book. Why am I even reading you?
Likewise we are told
But what's an "adequate" boundary? What's too much?
It doesn't help that for each of the five pillars the chapters are, actually, quite brief and include something along the lines of "The adaptive process deserves an entire book of its own, but we will try to briefly outline the key steps here". Maybe I should read those 5 other books on the 5 pillars instead of this Cliff's Notes version?
By the time I got to the end of this, I struggled to see what was really different between the parenting advice in this book and the parenting advice in, say, [b:Positive Discipline|188497|Positive Discipline|Jane Nelsen|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1630656833l/188497._SY75_.jpg|182210]. Except with some extra doses of "mindfulness". The mindfulness stuff isn't bad, exactly. Having a few mindfulness practices to calm down in the heat of the moment parenting is a good idea. I'm less sold (as I was when I read Buddha's Brain) on the various attempts to tie mindfulness to brain science. But overall, if you're already familiar with mindfulness, then a lot of this is needless restatements and you're left with an extremely brief book that really just gives you some philosophy of parenting ideas that, honestly, are probably already pretty close to how you want to be parenting anyway.
The mindfulness aspect really just means something like, take a deep breath and calm down before dealing with your kid.
Overall I found this way too theoretical to be especially useful. After a very long Part 1, which is basically Yet Another Introduction to Mindfulness, you get to the core of the book. The Five Essential Elements of Mindful Discipline: unconditional love, space, mentorship, healthy boundaries, and mis-takes.
There are occasional nice nuggets of actionable, practical advice. But far too often we get stuff like:
As parents, we need to find our way in the dance between giving him autonomy and helping him develop a healthy respect for authority [...] The dance is to feel which is needed in any given moment while remaining the ultimate authority.
Or
Sometimes it is good for children to learn things on their own (space); other times it is helpful to have some guidance (mentorship).
Or
When we become mindful parents, we will know when to intervene in a helpful way and when to sit back and let things take their course.
Uh, okay. I think everyone -- at least everyone who is likely to pick up this book -- knows parenting is often about balancing between two things. But what's the right balance? All too often in this scenarios the book basically falls back on "use you intuition and judgment". Okay, sure, but that's what I was doing before I picked up this book. Why am I even reading you?
Likewise we are told
Diana Baumrind’s research found that children who grow up in homes without adequate boundaries had less impulse control and poorer self-regulation
But what's an "adequate" boundary? What's too much?
It doesn't help that for each of the five pillars the chapters are, actually, quite brief and include something along the lines of "The adaptive process deserves an entire book of its own, but we will try to briefly outline the key steps here". Maybe I should read those 5 other books on the 5 pillars instead of this Cliff's Notes version?
By the time I got to the end of this, I struggled to see what was really different between the parenting advice in this book and the parenting advice in, say, [b:Positive Discipline|188497|Positive Discipline|Jane Nelsen|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1630656833l/188497._SY75_.jpg|182210]. Except with some extra doses of "mindfulness". The mindfulness stuff isn't bad, exactly. Having a few mindfulness practices to calm down in the heat of the moment parenting is a good idea. I'm less sold (as I was when I read Buddha's Brain) on the various attempts to tie mindfulness to brain science. But overall, if you're already familiar with mindfulness, then a lot of this is needless restatements and you're left with an extremely brief book that really just gives you some philosophy of parenting ideas that, honestly, are probably already pretty close to how you want to be parenting anyway.