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A review by allidone
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
slow-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? No
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
4.0
I've seen a lot of places have this listed as a "dark romance" and that is definitely NOT what this is. It's not romantic. It's heartwrenching and sickening and devastating. There is no actual love in these pages. There's nothing redeeming in the 'love story' told because it's between a 42 year old man and a 15 year old girl that continues until she is 22 years old (and he's 49) and the havoc that has wreacked on her life up until she's a 32 adult woman (and he's 59) and he's suddenly being called out for his pedophilia. This is a man that groomed a 15 year old child by touching her in class and giving her a copy of Lolita to read like a manual.
Most of this novel is the adult woman looking back on what happened to her and trying to reframe it in her mind. Most of what I read made me feel physically ill. My stomach hurt and I had to take frequent breaks from the book while also wanting to 'get it over with'. It's a beautifully written novel that takes a real look at all those "age gap" tropes and the ongoing fantasy that having an affair with a teacher is in anyway sexy. This takes a look at what that power imbalance, what that breaking of a young soul actually does to a person.
Vanessa isn't a loveable victim. In fact, she insists through most of the novel that she's not a victim at all. She wanted it and it was love and she knew what she was doing and he wasn't a monster. All things to cope with what actually happened to her and what kept happening to her all through her youth. The gaslighting and grooming that took place, the fact that while he initiated it all he turned it around and placed it on her. The fact that he was always covering his bases, telling coworkers she had a crush and it might end up being a problem. She coped the only way she knew how and that was to reclaim some of the agency she lost to him. Each sexual encounter reads as a loss of agency, that she didn't want to take all those steps but the secondary coping mechanism of continuing with it creates a sort of retroactive consent. It doesn't.
It's incredibly triggering as a woman and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone that has any experience of losing their agency, with rape or with assault. This novel, while beautifully written, created a physical response that I battled throught the novel. Ultimately I am glad I finished it, but it was a struggle and there were many moments that I considered DNFing the book entirely.
Most of this novel is the adult woman looking back on what happened to her and trying to reframe it in her mind. Most of what I read made me feel physically ill. My stomach hurt and I had to take frequent breaks from the book while also wanting to 'get it over with'. It's a beautifully written novel that takes a real look at all those "age gap" tropes and the ongoing fantasy that having an affair with a teacher is in anyway sexy. This takes a look at what that power imbalance, what that breaking of a young soul actually does to a person.
Vanessa isn't a loveable victim. In fact, she insists through most of the novel that she's not a victim at all. She wanted it and it was love and she knew what she was doing and he wasn't a monster. All things to cope with what actually happened to her and what kept happening to her all through her youth. The gaslighting and grooming that took place, the fact that while he initiated it all he turned it around and placed it on her. The fact that he was always covering his bases, telling coworkers she had a crush and it might end up being a problem. She coped the only way she knew how and that was to reclaim some of the agency she lost to him. Each sexual encounter reads as a loss of agency, that she didn't want to take all those steps but the secondary coping mechanism of continuing with it creates a sort of retroactive consent. It doesn't.
It's incredibly triggering as a woman and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone that has any experience of losing their agency, with rape or with assault. This novel, while beautifully written, created a physical response that I battled throught the novel. Ultimately I am glad I finished it, but it was a struggle and there were many moments that I considered DNFing the book entirely.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Suicide, Toxic relationship, Grief, Stalking, Gaslighting, and Sexual harassment
Moderate: Bullying, Self harm, Death of parent, and Abandonment
Minor: Animal death