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A review by jasminenoack
Don't Tell Me the Truth about Love by Dan Rhodes
3.0
So a year ago or maybe two I was sitting at a bar with this guy who use to come over to my apartment when he was drunk and depressed. He was lecturing me about how if I didn't lose weight, put on make up and wear revealing clothing I was never going to find a worthwhile man. I responded with that idiotic thing people say that basically means if they don't love me despite how I look I don't want them. another friend of mine who was there (also male) said if you aren't going to exploit being hot in your twenties when are you ever going to get the chance. I bring this up not just to tell a weird story but because the most interesting story in the book is about this. The last story is about how you can never know if someone loves you unless you are butt ugly and annoying and smelly because they might be there for some other reason. I mean I would never take it that far, and I never meant it the way that girl did, I meant it more along the lines of the guys I get along with like a girl who wears cargoes. But this story it really says what is the point of love. I think the Cassandra Clare books quote things that show this "To love is to destroy" (the mortal instruments) and "beauty is harsh" (from the infernal devices).
Now I asked on karen's group for an adult book about love, and I sort of mis-associated that with sex, which even I know is basically irrelevant (although in this book people have sex it just isn't described and that helps) But really I think the meaningful lesson of adult love is that, well adult love doesn't tend to be all that much like love. The fact is loving someone as an adult is about ignoring someone(as nick hornby tells us most men are able to get married because their girlfriends forget to dump them), it's about pain (no one can ever hurt us like the ones we love), it's about inconvenience (we have to do what is asked of us by that person to continue the relationship), and most of all sometimes it isn't about loving at least not in the traditional way.
For children and teens there is a belief in love that is everlasting that is everything love was ever suppose to be in the fairy tales, that "someday my prince will come". And this comes off in waves in a lot of books for those ages in waves, that love conquers all that love wins that it doesn't matter that we can't be together in the end we will. That's not real life.
So I talked about in that other review, my ex, who is on some levels a terrible person and he knows it, and I said all the reasons he was wrong and is wrong and needed to go. But in real life in adult life that doesn't mean anything as far as love is concerned. Nick Hornby talk about how it's possible to wake up one morning and realize that you no longer love someone that you've loved for 20 years and you have to figure out what to do about that. I've had that happen in real life too, not the 20 years but I had someone who was obsessed stop loving me after a year with no transition period even for him. I've stopped loving someone after 4 years. I've had someone who thought they could love me decide that after about a month he wasn't interested in dating because he had things he wanted to do with his life and loving me would make those decisions harder for him. I don't say these things as a pity party or a problem. I'm not depressed about them, but they do color what I can look at and say that's real life.
I don't look at "true love" and go "that's nice", I look at characters that say "I must have them or I shall die" and say "get over it" as Dan Savage says there is no "one right person" but there are plenty of "right people". I look at the real world and I say love it's not about the emotions or about trusting your heart in real life it's practical, it's conditional, if it didn't have conditions would it be better? would it mean anything? I don't really know, but I know that I'm never going to sit down and say, "it's him or nothing" I know I'm never going to say, "I'll love you no matter what" and mean the romantic kind of love. I mean yes you can love someone no matter what, but that isn't the kind of love relationships are based on.
This book is about people who really don't understand that at all it's about people who think that they can love someone through everything and that that is the only love that is real. people who think it is better to love someone forever who will never love them then to move on and find something new. people who become obsessives, people who become objects, people who become nothing, because they can't get over some idea of how to truly love someone else.
In reality it's all really too bad.
Now I asked on karen's group for an adult book about love, and I sort of mis-associated that with sex, which even I know is basically irrelevant (although in this book people have sex it just isn't described and that helps) But really I think the meaningful lesson of adult love is that, well adult love doesn't tend to be all that much like love. The fact is loving someone as an adult is about ignoring someone(as nick hornby tells us most men are able to get married because their girlfriends forget to dump them), it's about pain (no one can ever hurt us like the ones we love), it's about inconvenience (we have to do what is asked of us by that person to continue the relationship), and most of all sometimes it isn't about loving at least not in the traditional way.
For children and teens there is a belief in love that is everlasting that is everything love was ever suppose to be in the fairy tales, that "someday my prince will come". And this comes off in waves in a lot of books for those ages in waves, that love conquers all that love wins that it doesn't matter that we can't be together in the end we will. That's not real life.
So I talked about in that other review, my ex, who is on some levels a terrible person and he knows it, and I said all the reasons he was wrong and is wrong and needed to go. But in real life in adult life that doesn't mean anything as far as love is concerned. Nick Hornby talk about how it's possible to wake up one morning and realize that you no longer love someone that you've loved for 20 years and you have to figure out what to do about that. I've had that happen in real life too, not the 20 years but I had someone who was obsessed stop loving me after a year with no transition period even for him. I've stopped loving someone after 4 years. I've had someone who thought they could love me decide that after about a month he wasn't interested in dating because he had things he wanted to do with his life and loving me would make those decisions harder for him. I don't say these things as a pity party or a problem. I'm not depressed about them, but they do color what I can look at and say that's real life.
I don't look at "true love" and go "that's nice", I look at characters that say "I must have them or I shall die" and say "get over it" as Dan Savage says there is no "one right person" but there are plenty of "right people". I look at the real world and I say love it's not about the emotions or about trusting your heart in real life it's practical, it's conditional, if it didn't have conditions would it be better? would it mean anything? I don't really know, but I know that I'm never going to sit down and say, "it's him or nothing" I know I'm never going to say, "I'll love you no matter what" and mean the romantic kind of love. I mean yes you can love someone no matter what, but that isn't the kind of love relationships are based on.
This book is about people who really don't understand that at all it's about people who think that they can love someone through everything and that that is the only love that is real. people who think it is better to love someone forever who will never love them then to move on and find something new. people who become obsessives, people who become objects, people who become nothing, because they can't get over some idea of how to truly love someone else.
In reality it's all really too bad.