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A review by sonialusiveira
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
4.0
"It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about."
The Dance of Anger is a great book that gives many food for thoughts on navigating our emotions and anger toward a positive, impactful result in relationships. I love how it is written is layman's terms that are easy to understand. The author uses real life scenarios to describe common causes of anger in relationships (eg. disagreement between spouses on decision-makings, clash between parents and children due to the different choices made, etc) and analyze the causes and the different ways of handling the anger one was put though and the different consequences. Even though there are some suggested methods that I personally disagree with (the mother/daughter confrontation on raising the baby) but this does give some perspective to ponder about. This is definitely one of those books that I will re-read some of its parts again and again in the future.
Some takeaways :
-Communication is the key. It is important to communicate about what upsets or anger us to the person related to the matter, especially to do it in a way that is not blaming the other person. Blame never leads to any good. To communicate well about our anger, we first need to listen well to our own anger.
-Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel—and certainly our anger is no exception.
-We have a right to everything we think and feel—and so does everyone else. It is our job to communicate our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job however, to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to. If we try, we can end up in a relationship in which a lot of personal pain and emotional intensity are being expended and nothing is changing.
-Emotional pursuer is someone who reduces their anxiety by sharing feelings and seeking close emotional contact. Emotional distancer is someone who reduces their anxiety by intellectualizing and withdrawing. Emotional pursuers protect emotional distancers. By doing the work of expressing the neediness, clinginess, and wish for closeness for both partners, pursuers make it possible for distancers to avoid confronting their own dependency wishes and insecurities. As long as one person is pursuing, the other has the luxury of experiencing a cool independence and a need for space. However, when a pursuer learns to back off and put her energies into her own life—especially if she can do this with dignity and without hostility—the distancer is more likely to recognize his own needs for contact and closeness . . . and begin to pursue. Most women who are emotional pursuers go off into a cold or angry “reactive distance,” which only temporarily reverses the pursuit cycle or has little effect at all.
-Learning to use our anger effectively requires some letting go - letting go of blaming that other person whom we see as causing our problems and failing to provide for our happiness; letting go of the notion that it is our job to change other people or tell them how they should think, feel, or behave. Yet, this doesn’t mean that we passively accept or go along with any behaviour. In fact, a “live-and-let-live” attitude can signal a de-selfed position, if we fail to clarify what is and is not acceptable or desirable to us in a relationship. The main issue is how we clarify our position.
When we use our anger to make statements about ourself, we assume a position of strength, because no one can argue with our own thoughts and feelings. They may try, but in response, we are not required to provide logical arguments in our defense. Instead, we can simply say, “Well, it may seem crazy or irrational to you, but this is the way I see it.” Of course, there is never a guarantee that other people will alter their behaviour in the way that we want them to.
The Dance of Anger is a great book that gives many food for thoughts on navigating our emotions and anger toward a positive, impactful result in relationships. I love how it is written is layman's terms that are easy to understand. The author uses real life scenarios to describe common causes of anger in relationships (eg. disagreement between spouses on decision-makings, clash between parents and children due to the different choices made, etc) and analyze the causes and the different ways of handling the anger one was put though and the different consequences. Even though there are some suggested methods that I personally disagree with (the mother/daughter confrontation on raising the baby) but this does give some perspective to ponder about. This is definitely one of those books that I will re-read some of its parts again and again in the future.
Some takeaways :
-Communication is the key. It is important to communicate about what upsets or anger us to the person related to the matter, especially to do it in a way that is not blaming the other person. Blame never leads to any good. To communicate well about our anger, we first need to listen well to our own anger.
-Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel—and certainly our anger is no exception.
-We have a right to everything we think and feel—and so does everyone else. It is our job to communicate our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job however, to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to. If we try, we can end up in a relationship in which a lot of personal pain and emotional intensity are being expended and nothing is changing.
-Emotional pursuer is someone who reduces their anxiety by sharing feelings and seeking close emotional contact. Emotional distancer is someone who reduces their anxiety by intellectualizing and withdrawing. Emotional pursuers protect emotional distancers. By doing the work of expressing the neediness, clinginess, and wish for closeness for both partners, pursuers make it possible for distancers to avoid confronting their own dependency wishes and insecurities. As long as one person is pursuing, the other has the luxury of experiencing a cool independence and a need for space. However, when a pursuer learns to back off and put her energies into her own life—especially if she can do this with dignity and without hostility—the distancer is more likely to recognize his own needs for contact and closeness . . . and begin to pursue. Most women who are emotional pursuers go off into a cold or angry “reactive distance,” which only temporarily reverses the pursuit cycle or has little effect at all.
-Learning to use our anger effectively requires some letting go - letting go of blaming that other person whom we see as causing our problems and failing to provide for our happiness; letting go of the notion that it is our job to change other people or tell them how they should think, feel, or behave. Yet, this doesn’t mean that we passively accept or go along with any behaviour. In fact, a “live-and-let-live” attitude can signal a de-selfed position, if we fail to clarify what is and is not acceptable or desirable to us in a relationship. The main issue is how we clarify our position.
When we use our anger to make statements about ourself, we assume a position of strength, because no one can argue with our own thoughts and feelings. They may try, but in response, we are not required to provide logical arguments in our defense. Instead, we can simply say, “Well, it may seem crazy or irrational to you, but this is the way I see it.” Of course, there is never a guarantee that other people will alter their behaviour in the way that we want them to.