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A review by lajacquerie
Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity by Andrew Solomon
5.0
There's no denying that this book is a marathon; at just over 700 pages of text broken up into only 12 chapters, it takes time. But Solomon's writing is so fluid and the way that he weaves his observations in between the stories he's collected in 10 years of research makes it clear that there are few breaks for a reason.
So, gird yourself. This is a hard book because it talks about some of the most challenging situations anyone will have to face: being a parent. And he doesn't talk to just any parents, but those of deaf, dwarf, Down's, autistic, schizophrenic, severely disabled, prodigious, criminal, and transgender children, and of those born of rape (I think Solomon intentionally added a chapter on prodigies just to keep our spirits up midway through the book). It's an incredible exploration of the parent-child relationship and the ways both parties influence each other, for better and worse. There are some particular themes that I found fascinating in here and will probably be discussing with friends for weeks to come:
1) Many of the groups listed above are given a label that originally had negative (and often medical) origins. However, they do not necessarily see this part of their identity as a negative, but merely a integral part of their who they are to be accepted by others. In some cases, these elements are seen as positives (for instance, the incredible talents that some autistic people possess). So, there is a push to abandon that label and its pejorative meaning. However, any accommodations given by society are often only extended once the label is claimed; indeed, the existence of such a label is often crucial for acceptance and/or survival (accommodation for the deaf and disabled may be obvious, but there are other applicable situations as well; for instance, one cannot be protected from transgender discrimination if there is not first a definition of transgender in place). Solomon asks us when, and if, a world can exist where society can accommodate all, but these labels need not be used and then lose their meaning.
2) Great advances in technology and medicine have made it ever more possible for many of these groups to live more full and productive lives (especially compared to earlier eras' practice of institutionalization). However, that same technology and knowledge is sometimes used to terminate births of such people before they are born, or to amend their bodies (ex: cochlear implants) after birth. Will these advances, boons to the existing societies of these people, eventually preclude the continuance of that society?
3)This isn't so much of an argument; I feel there were more points to make, but sometimes that slips away in the course of writing these. Despite that, one of the most stupidly simple and profound realizations that parents share in this book is to simply love your child as is, and to allow yourself to realize that their happiness is what is most important to you. There are certain things we need to tell ourselves repeatedly, time and again, because they are so simple we might forget. DFW tells us, "This is water." Solomon tells us, "Love people for who they are, and desire for them to be happy." Those are the keys to being a good person, right there.
The final section includes one of the most beautiful descriptions of birth, parenthood, and family that I have ever read and made me tear up on my lunch break. Upon learning that his newborn son might have suffered brain trauma at birth, Solomon writes, "I looked at George and knew I loved him by how hard I suddenly tried not to love him;" this kind of unadorned but beautiful writing carries through the book and is at its best here in describing the terrifying, uplifting, frustrating, joyous, uncomfortable, inexplicable act of being a parent. Solomon mentions that writing this book made him feel all the more acutely the many ways having a child could go "wrong;" it made me feel the same way. But his ability to put into words the baffling love parents have for their children, and his description of feeling that same unwavering love, made me feel all the more confident that if/when the time comes, I'll love beyond all complications too.
You know books don't get 5 stars from me unless they fundamentally alter how I perceive something, and this book has done that - it has given me incredible insight into these various communities, into the relationship between parents and children in general, and has shifted my automatic reflexes towards conditions/disabilities/diagnoses/those who are different from me (and how I imagine they see themselves!) in a very deep way. I wish I could get my mom to read this one and see what she has to say about it. =)
So, gird yourself. This is a hard book because it talks about some of the most challenging situations anyone will have to face: being a parent. And he doesn't talk to just any parents, but those of deaf, dwarf, Down's, autistic, schizophrenic, severely disabled, prodigious, criminal, and transgender children, and of those born of rape (I think Solomon intentionally added a chapter on prodigies just to keep our spirits up midway through the book). It's an incredible exploration of the parent-child relationship and the ways both parties influence each other, for better and worse. There are some particular themes that I found fascinating in here and will probably be discussing with friends for weeks to come:
1) Many of the groups listed above are given a label that originally had negative (and often medical) origins. However, they do not necessarily see this part of their identity as a negative, but merely a integral part of their who they are to be accepted by others. In some cases, these elements are seen as positives (for instance, the incredible talents that some autistic people possess). So, there is a push to abandon that label and its pejorative meaning. However, any accommodations given by society are often only extended once the label is claimed; indeed, the existence of such a label is often crucial for acceptance and/or survival (accommodation for the deaf and disabled may be obvious, but there are other applicable situations as well; for instance, one cannot be protected from transgender discrimination if there is not first a definition of transgender in place). Solomon asks us when, and if, a world can exist where society can accommodate all, but these labels need not be used and then lose their meaning.
2) Great advances in technology and medicine have made it ever more possible for many of these groups to live more full and productive lives (especially compared to earlier eras' practice of institutionalization). However, that same technology and knowledge is sometimes used to terminate births of such people before they are born, or to amend their bodies (ex: cochlear implants) after birth. Will these advances, boons to the existing societies of these people, eventually preclude the continuance of that society?
3)This isn't so much of an argument; I feel there were more points to make, but sometimes that slips away in the course of writing these. Despite that, one of the most stupidly simple and profound realizations that parents share in this book is to simply love your child as is, and to allow yourself to realize that their happiness is what is most important to you. There are certain things we need to tell ourselves repeatedly, time and again, because they are so simple we might forget. DFW tells us, "This is water." Solomon tells us, "Love people for who they are, and desire for them to be happy." Those are the keys to being a good person, right there.
The final section includes one of the most beautiful descriptions of birth, parenthood, and family that I have ever read and made me tear up on my lunch break. Upon learning that his newborn son might have suffered brain trauma at birth, Solomon writes, "I looked at George and knew I loved him by how hard I suddenly tried not to love him;" this kind of unadorned but beautiful writing carries through the book and is at its best here in describing the terrifying, uplifting, frustrating, joyous, uncomfortable, inexplicable act of being a parent. Solomon mentions that writing this book made him feel all the more acutely the many ways having a child could go "wrong;" it made me feel the same way. But his ability to put into words the baffling love parents have for their children, and his description of feeling that same unwavering love, made me feel all the more confident that if/when the time comes, I'll love beyond all complications too.
You know books don't get 5 stars from me unless they fundamentally alter how I perceive something, and this book has done that - it has given me incredible insight into these various communities, into the relationship between parents and children in general, and has shifted my automatic reflexes towards conditions/disabilities/diagnoses/those who are different from me (and how I imagine they see themselves!) in a very deep way. I wish I could get my mom to read this one and see what she has to say about it. =)