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A review by dark_reader
The Legend of Rah and the Muggles by N.K. Stouffer
5.0
How to Lose $50,000 in Two Easy Steps
There's the story, and there's the story behind the story. Both are hilariously awful. The stupid, it burns.
Maybe you've heard of this book, first self-published in some form in 1984, or its author who in 1999 tried to sue J.K. Rowling for copyright and trademark infringement over use of the word "Muggles" and other matters. This was in between Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and who wouldn't have wanted a slice of that sweet Potter pie? Unfortunately for Nancy Stouffer—I'm sorry, that's "N.K." Stouffer on her republished books by sheer coincidence, I'm sure—her claims were prima facie absurd. But for a time, the lore tells us that Rowling was "fretting so much over this one stupid case that it’s kept her from finishing her latest book," making Stouffer probably the most hated woman in publishing for a time. My, how the tables have turned.
Anyway, Stouffer was found to have falsified promotional materials for her prior self-published material, in an attempt to bolster her claim that Rowling must have seen her work and stolen her ideas, and was sanctioned $50,000 in a summary judgment by the court, so that was the end of that. There's a nice one-page summary of the affair here: http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/...
I particularly enjoyed this detail from the legal judgment (https://www.eyrie.org/~robotech/stouf...), because I was already ready to say that if Stouffer had ever sold even three copies of The Legend of RahTM prior to her claims of infringement, I would eat a Real MuggleTM :
There's the story, and there's the story behind the story. Both are hilariously awful. The stupid, it burns.
Maybe you've heard of this book, first self-published in some form in 1984, or its author who in 1999 tried to sue J.K. Rowling for copyright and trademark infringement over use of the word "Muggles" and other matters. This was in between Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and who wouldn't have wanted a slice of that sweet Potter pie? Unfortunately for Nancy Stouffer—I'm sorry, that's "N.K." Stouffer on her republished books by sheer coincidence, I'm sure—her claims were prima facie absurd. But for a time, the lore tells us that Rowling was "fretting so much over this one stupid case that it’s kept her from finishing her latest book," making Stouffer probably the most hated woman in publishing for a time. My, how the tables have turned.
Anyway, Stouffer was found to have falsified promotional materials for her prior self-published material, in an attempt to bolster her claim that Rowling must have seen her work and stolen her ideas, and was sanctioned $50,000 in a summary judgment by the court, so that was the end of that. There's a nice one-page summary of the affair here: http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/...
I particularly enjoyed this detail from the legal judgment (https://www.eyrie.org/~robotech/stouf...), because I was already ready to say that if Stouffer had ever sold even three copies of The Legend of RahTM prior to her claims of infringement, I would eat a Real MuggleTM :
It is undisputed that Ande [the publishing company Stouffer created for her own work] never sold any of its booklets in the United States or elsewhere.
Sounds about right!
Another hilarious fact: Ottenheimer Publishers of Maryland was in business for 111 years before they republished Stouffer's The Legend of RahTM and the MugglesTM and other books of hers (under the created-just-for-this Thurman House imprint), capitalizing on the publicity surrounding the legal claims. Within the following year they went bankrupt and closed forever, by sheer coincidence I'm sure.
So, about the book: it's stupid. So, so stupid. If I may paraphrase Fran Lebowitz, you have not read any book as stupid as The Legend of RahTM and the MugglesTM. You just haven't.
It's for children. Do you hate children? Do you want children to grow up stupid? Then by all means, read them this book. Hey, do you know what makes a great foundation for a children's story? Nuclear fucking war, that's what.
From the very first page, the first paragraph, the first sentence, this book has you asking, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Try it for yourself:
Another hilarious fact: Ottenheimer Publishers of Maryland was in business for 111 years before they republished Stouffer's The Legend of RahTM and the MugglesTM and other books of hers (under the created-just-for-this Thurman House imprint), capitalizing on the publicity surrounding the legal claims. Within the following year they went bankrupt and closed forever, by sheer coincidence I'm sure.
So, about the book: it's stupid. So, so stupid. If I may paraphrase Fran Lebowitz, you have not read any book as stupid as The Legend of RahTM and the MugglesTM. You just haven't.
It's for children. Do you hate children? Do you want children to grow up stupid? Then by all means, read them this book. Hey, do you know what makes a great foundation for a children's story? Nuclear fucking war, that's what.
From the very first page, the first paragraph, the first sentence, this book has you asking, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Try it for yourself:
On the far side of the earth, Aura citizens fought great wars with other nations. They had lived a relatively peaceful coexistence until government representatives became restless and greedy. The need for power and control seemed to spread throughout the Congress of United People, C.O.U.P., like a disease out of control. The discord caused great unrest within the colonies. Absent any real or decisive leadership, citizens gathered arms and formed militia groups.
These splinter revolutionaries were determined to reclaim democracy, . . .
"Please, sir, I want some more" said no child ever. The commentary writes itself. On the far side of the earth from where? What government representatives? Colonies from where? What the fuck are you talking about? I particularly enjoy the presumably unironic United Nations stand-in abbreviated "coup".
You don't even have to read the first page time to appreciate this book's insane stupidity. The copyright page alone does that. Stouffer, in her ill-guided, extremely expensive attempt at legal maneuvering, tries to trademark everything under the sun (I regret that I can't make superscript work here for all the "TM" markings, but you'll get the idea):
You don't even have to read the first page time to appreciate this book's insane stupidity. The copyright page alone does that. Stouffer, in her ill-guided, extremely expensive attempt at legal maneuvering, tries to trademark everything under the sun (I regret that I can't make superscript work here for all the "TM" markings, but you'll get the idea):
MUGGLEtm, MUGGLEStm, MUGGLES-BYEtm, and The Legend of RAH and the MUGGLEStm, MUGGLEDOMEtm [NB: term not in book], MUGGLEPLICATIONtm [NB: term not in book], SHADOW MONSTERStm, NEVILtm, NEVILStm, NARDLEStm, GREEBLIEStm, NADIE [sic, different spelling from in book] & NEDDIE SPOONERS OF THE DEEPtm, WINKLEtm, ELDERStm, RAHtm, ZYNtm
Y'all better not ever use the words "elders" or "shadow monsters" in y'all's books, or Nancy Stouffer's gonna git ya!
But if for some reason you continue reading, it gets even worse. Chapter One (the previous example is from the introduction which is actually a prologue) is a run-on, bloated, terrible regency romance between Lady Catherine and her butler, Walter, after her husband dies while she's pregant with twins, with a confusing timeline that begins and ends with unspeficied enemy soldiers breaking down the palace doors, in a conflict that Lady Catherine is sure will end with nuclear weapons. Note: this is a completely different use of nuclear weapons from the introduction, which happened several hundred years prior and let to the creation of MugglesTM. You know, for kids.
Chapter Two is way stupider, and Chapter Three is even stupider than that, and oh by the way after that first 45-page long first chapter, do we ever hear about Lady Catherine and Walter and will these crazy kids be able to make it after all? We do not. We do not, in fact, ever hear again about any crucial story element once introduced.
Chapter Four is, once again, the stupidest yet to come, and so forth and so forth. I could provide countless examples, but I would hate to spoil it and encourage you to read it for yourself if you're at all inclined to read the worst thing you've ever read. I happen to find joy in such things. Yay, me. But really, it's all so, so dumb. Like, this land (country? continent? archipelago?) of Aura, devastated by nuclear weapons whose radiation transformed humans into MugglesTM over centuries, has
But if for some reason you continue reading, it gets even worse. Chapter One (the previous example is from the introduction which is actually a prologue) is a run-on, bloated, terrible regency romance between Lady Catherine and her butler, Walter, after her husband dies while she's pregant with twins, with a confusing timeline that begins and ends with unspeficied enemy soldiers breaking down the palace doors, in a conflict that Lady Catherine is sure will end with nuclear weapons. Note: this is a completely different use of nuclear weapons from the introduction, which happened several hundred years prior and let to the creation of MugglesTM. You know, for kids.
Chapter Two is way stupider, and Chapter Three is even stupider than that, and oh by the way after that first 45-page long first chapter, do we ever hear about Lady Catherine and Walter and will these crazy kids be able to make it after all? We do not. We do not, in fact, ever hear again about any crucial story element once introduced.
Chapter Four is, once again, the stupidest yet to come, and so forth and so forth. I could provide countless examples, but I would hate to spoil it and encourage you to read it for yourself if you're at all inclined to read the worst thing you've ever read. I happen to find joy in such things. Yay, me. But really, it's all so, so dumb. Like, this land (country? continent? archipelago?) of Aura, devastated by nuclear weapons whose radiation transformed humans into MugglesTM over centuries, has
never experienced the warmth of sunlight, nor the beauty of an evening sky filled with glittering stars. Their world is lit only by moonlight shining through a purple haze left behind by nuclear warfare.
So the planet became tidal-locked because of nuclear war? What? But a box of jewels comes to them on a raft, carried between two babies floating on the ocean for over a week without sustenance (and if I know anything about babies, it's that they survive perfectly well without food or water for days on end), and somehow these jewels absorbed the power of the sun and as they approach the MugglesTM's land it gives off heat sufficient to instantly warm the air and light to instantly cause trees and shrubs that survived and grew without sunlight for centuries in a nuclear wasteland (where squirrels and rabbits and lion-sized dogs and birds managed to survive just fine along with the MugglesTM) to burst into leaves but somehow doesn't fry these babies to a crisp or permanently blind them. The MugglesTMplace the sunlight-giving jewel box on top of the Tower of Time which by the way is shaped like a pyramid, as towers tend to be, but now the story talks all the time about sunrises and sunsets and the MugglesTM have always had songs and poems and stories that specifically reference day/night cycles and how the fuck is any of this supposed to make any sense. And this is just the start of it! So many more stupid things follow! Like the sheet music at the back of the book for the MugglesTM traditional bedtime song that indicates 4/4 time but has measures that are 10/4 or 1/4 and is just an awful song with terrible lyrics and you bet your ass I'm going to play it.
I know you've been wondering all this time, what is a MuggleTM, if not a non-magical person? I'll let the completely necessary character glossary from the back matter answer that:
I know you've been wondering all this time, what is a MuggleTM, if not a non-magical person? I'll let the completely necessary character glossary from the back matter answer that:
MUGGLES, Humans left behind on Aura, the Forgotten People, conscientious objectors, sick and diseased, physically challenged, elderly, blind, deaf, savants, dwarfs, earning disabled [sic], the Have Not's [sic]. They became genetically mutated humans, hybrid humans, resemble children when fully grown, large hairless hears [sic], tiny ears, large oval eyes, eyelids with no eyelashes, blue, violet, brown and gree [sic], lump cheeks [sic?], narrow shoulders, thin arms chubby hands [sic], three fingers and one thumb, no fingernails, thin legs, chubby feet, four toes, no toenails, round plump bellies, half-moon shaped belly button, height: 3'-4', weight: 45-90 lbs., skin color: white, brown, beige or olive, vegetarians.
Got that? What, you need a picture? Fine, but first I want to show a picture of the print layout next to a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone so you'll understand how padded the page count is:
And now, please enjoy a sample of the artwork included in every copy of The Legend of RahTM and the MugglesTM:
Are they . . . polishing a mushroom? Anyway, my copy of the book, purchased second-hand from Thriftbooks, came with a photocopy of a 2001 news article ("Harry, meet Larry Potter in a battle of the muggles"), reporting the claims of similarities but obviously published before Stouffer was laughed out of court to the tune of $50,000. I entertain the thought that Stouffer herself inserted one of these articles into every copy that went out into the world. Teach the controversy, that'll do it!
In conclusion, I love everything about this book. Just like Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes, it's a thoroughly, undeniably stupid book, written for children by an idiot who thinks children are morons, and the result is pure comedy gold.