A review by midnightrain_
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

dark emotional informative reflective sad tense fast-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? A mix
  • Strong character development? Yes
  • Loveable characters? No
  • Diverse cast of characters? N/A
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.75

it's strange to know that whenever I remember myself at fifteen, I'll think of this
''My dark Vanessa'' is one of the most disturbing, yet important books that were made in this decade. We are invited into the world of 15 year old Vanessa Wye, who is struggling with the burden of being alienated by her friend and away from her family. There are two time lines, early 2000s when Vanessa first meets her teacher, who grooms her and the present when she's in her 30s dealing with the trauma from it. The story doesn't introduce a hero fighting for justice and a happy ending, instead we are met with the harsh reality of an event as traumatic as being abused by a teacher - being in denial. Vanessa doesn't believe she was ever abused, she believes she was in a relationship and is still struggling to move on from it. 
This novel is in conversation with Nabokov's Lolita, which I quite enjoyed, especially given that the name of the novel comes from the author's 'Pale Fire'. One thing that's different from Lolita though, is that this is the perspective of the victim. The writing style manages to pull you in, while staying quite simple and accessible.

Some moments that really manage to capture my reading experience:
I wonder how much victimhood they'd be willing to grant a girl like me
Vanessa doesn't recognize her own victimhood, because of the way her life went after the incident. She never got the job of her dreams or a successful relationship, instead she spends nights with men she doesn't know, her apartment's always messy and after all these years she still talks to her abuser.
The excuses we make for them are outrageous but they’re nothing compared to the ones we make for ourselves
This is one of those moments where she starts to realise that she was a victim and I think the way the authors describes those subtle moments of suspicion, doubt and realization even in the beginning, pulls you into the complex reality of being abused
When Strane and I met, I was fifteen and he was forty two, a near perfect thirty years between us. That’s how I described the difference back then - perfect
Shows you just how much Vanessa romanticized what was happening to her, how brainwashed and vulnerable she truly was at 15
Because even if I sometimes use the word abuse to describe certain things that were done to me, in someone else’s mouth the word turns ugly and absolute. It swallows up everything that happened
While this quote shows you just how much the victim tries to hold on to the reality of her relationship being an actual relationship, and not a criminal lie, I think there is a more important message at hand. It provokes the discussion of do we let victims tell the stories that are actually theirs, or do we want them to say what we expect to hear. This novel as a whole holds meaning for actually listening to victims, what they went through, yes, but also not trying to chap and change their words, so they fit a narrative.

This isn't a book that you will enjoy, mainly because your jaw might be on the ground for half of it, and if you're sensitive to the topics in it (or have experienced being groomed) then it's definitely not for you. However it is absolutely a book that helps you understand and sympathize with victims, and is an important read for people, who have never went through such trauma. Definitely check the trigger warnings beforehand though!
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