A review by erikars
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Elaine Mazlish, Adele Faber

informative fast-paced

3.0

Overall, this book had some solid advice, but the format, where each chapter was based around a discussion group's exploration of the topic of the chapter, felt rather low density to me. I appreciated the advice, but ended up skimming a lot of it.

The key philosophies of this book are that the best way to defuse sibling rivalry is to focus on each child as an individual with their own needs and that children will do better if they are left to handle conflict on their own within bounds. The book also acknowledges that parents need to come to terms with their own sibling relationships and the way that was influenced by their parents. Sibling rivalry tends to be a mix of two factors.

First, siblings may feel like they are not individually getting enough love or attention. When they are making a statement about their parent, they are really making a statement about themselves. Parents can assuage these fears by focusing on the individual child.

Second, conflict tends to arise because living in close proximity with someone who often wants the same thing as you is hard. Siblings are a great way for kids to learn conflict resolution, and the best way to teach them is to let them learn on their own. If a situation is becoming unsafe, parents may need to intervene. However, by staying out of it a bit longer than they are comfortable, parents can help their children grow.

Some specific advice:

• Siblings need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged, even when it's negative. Parents can do this with words, wishes, or symbolic/creative activities.
• Children need to have hurtful actions stopped and be taught how to discharge their feelings acceptably, such as with words.
• Parents need to resist the urge to compare their children. Instead, they should focus on the current moment by describing what they see, describing what the child needs to do, or describing what the parent feels.
• Children need to be treated uniquely, not equally. When children want something, find ways to give according to their individual need rather than focusing on what the sibling has. They should focus on what they love uniquely about each child and give time according to need, which may vary at different times.
• Parents, children, and siblings should be sure to avoid locking siblings into roles. Instead, acknowledge that more than one child can be interested in the same thing, not only the one who is best at it.
• An important corollary of this is: don't categorize children based on their problems. Accept their frustration when they have challenges, praise their progress, and help them focus on solutions.
• When it comes to fighting, ignore normal bickering. If things heat up, acknowledge their anger, reflect their perspectives, describe the problem respectfully, express confidence in their ability to find their own solution, and leave the room. If the situation starts looking dangerous, ask them to deescalate... and if it is dangerous, intervene and separate the children.
• If the children can't resolve the issue on their own, have a meeting where each child is given an opportunity to express their concerns and rebut the concerns of others. Then everyone works together to brainstorm solutions, finding the solution everyone can live with.
• Sometimes, there is a "right" answer (e.g., based on a household rule), but a parent doesn't want to seem like they are taking sides. In those situations, parents can state each child's case, state the value or rule, but then leave the doorway open for them to negotiate a different alternative.