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A review by kwugirl
This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray
4.0
I have been fascinated by the author's writing on why his marriage failed for a few years now. This book is more polished than his blog posts, so if you've read a couple of his posts there and find that they resonate, the book is a way to explore the ideas a bit more in-depth, in an organized fashion. I'm extremely curious to see how well it's picked up by its core target audience: married heterosexual men who want to stay married. It's kind of a "for men, by a man" mirror to [b:How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids|40611244|How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids|Jancee Dunn|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1529679746l/40611244._SY75_.jpg|47269066], [b:Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do|44071899|Fair Play A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (And More Life to Live)|Eve Rodsky|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1564080588l/44071899._SX50_.jpg|68528850], and [b:How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words|119726|How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It Finding Love Beyond Words|Patricia Love|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1387700642l/119726._SY75_.jpg|115273] in the hopes that the target audience in question will feel less defensive and more open to the author's perspective from having been on the other side. Will people come to reading this book because their partners lay down an ultimatum of read it or divorce?
That said, I don't think married heterosexual men are the only people for whom this is suited for, since I am not one myself but still recognized some of these marriage-eroding behaviors in myself. I've come around to working on them via other methods, but I could certainly see recommending this book as a useful reading assignment that's part of pre-marital counseling. The core position that "you can be a good person who is currently bad at the skills for a healthy, happy, long-lasting romantic relationship, here's how to do better" isn't one you hear about that often in detail beyond "relationships are hard work."
The author also seems to be very honest in his reflections of where he failed and was a shitty partner, to the extent that I can't but agree with the chapter where he mused that it's a wonder his ex-wife married and had a child with him in the first place. However, it's impressive growth that he's undertaken since then, so you gotta give him credit for that.
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P46
Invalidation Trip Threat Response #1: My Wife's Thoughts Were Wrong
Invalidation Trip Threat Response #2: My Wife's Feelings Were Wrong
Invalidation Trip Threat Response #3: The Justifiable Defense
P49 My wife, over and over again, head me promise to hurt her again in the future. I thought I was intelligently sharing a different way to think about it so that my wife could adjust her silly feelings so she wouldn't be inconvenienced by them.
P70 "She says she wants all of these things from me, and then when I actually try to do them, she rejects me and treats me like her enemy! No one makes me feel as unappreciated and rejected as my wife can!" This is NOT rejection. This is the results of unmet needs further down the pyramid. Expensive gifts, flirty texts, and earnest efforts to contribute more around the house do not feel like thoughtful acts of love and intimacy when they are coming from the same person who triggers feelings of mistrust and a lack of safety."
P71 I figured I don't cheat, I don't physically abuse, I don't gamble away our living-expense money, I'm not an addict, and I'm not a threat to abandon her or our children. I'm trustworthy! But that is not the equation for Trust. The equation is: Safety + Belonging + Mattering = TRUST.
P96 One of the greatest lessons from divorce and adulthood has been the realization that unintentional pain and unintentional trust betrayals will end your relationship as surely as intentional ones will, only slower.
P164 How to Compose a Successful Critical Commentary
1. You should attempt to re-express your target's position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, "Thanks, I wish I'd thought of putting it that way."
2. You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
3. You should mention anything you have learned from your target.
4. Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.
P165 The Peace Treaty: One of the tools [my stepsister] or my brother-in-law use when they feel their temperatures rising during an argument is to leverage their mutual love of music and endearing immaturity to signal a peace treaty to the other in the middle of the conversation. If they start to feel themselves getting angry and heading toward a blowup, it's not uncommon for one of them to say something like "Stop! Collaborate and listen," and if The Peace Treaty is working as intended, the other will respond, "Ice is back with a brand-new edition," singing the lyrics to Vanilla ICe's cheesy 1990 hit "Ice Ice Baby." I like to imagine that some dancing is involved. And for this longtime married couple, this type of exchange more often than not will lead to both of them laughing and making the very conscious decision to choose their marriage and one another over trying to score cheap debate or argument points in this particular conversation that us unlikely to matter even a tiny bit a day or week later. This is a connection ritual."
P205 I loved my wife. But I didn't RESPECT her individual experiences as being equally valid to mine. Things that were real and true--and often painful--for her didn't affect me...She tried every way she knew how to communicate to me that these issues she was bringing to my attention were important. Each and every time she tried, I made it clear to her how much I disagreed and how certain I was that I was correct...My wife HURT--deep down where the medicine can't fix it--because of things I said and did. And for more than a decade, when she came to me for help to make the hurt stop, I communicated to her that I thought she was mistaken--even wrong--to feel hurt. I believed her failure to take responsibility for her emotions was the primary problem in our marriage. I seriously said that to her.
P211 as long as men collectively believe that The Things You Must Do to Have Healthy Relationships are "girl things," then I think heterosexual marriage is doomed.
P214 the best sex advice I could ever offer a young person entering a long-term romantic relationships is this: Never put your girlfriend or wife in the position of having to do things for you that your mother did for you when you were growing up at home. Turns out, this is in no way an aphrodisiac.
That said, I don't think married heterosexual men are the only people for whom this is suited for, since I am not one myself but still recognized some of these marriage-eroding behaviors in myself. I've come around to working on them via other methods, but I could certainly see recommending this book as a useful reading assignment that's part of pre-marital counseling. The core position that "you can be a good person who is currently bad at the skills for a healthy, happy, long-lasting romantic relationship, here's how to do better" isn't one you hear about that often in detail beyond "relationships are hard work."
The author also seems to be very honest in his reflections of where he failed and was a shitty partner, to the extent that I can't but agree with the chapter where he mused that it's a wonder his ex-wife married and had a child with him in the first place. However, it's impressive growth that he's undertaken since then, so you gotta give him credit for that.
=====================
P46
Invalidation Trip Threat Response #1: My Wife's Thoughts Were Wrong
Invalidation Trip Threat Response #2: My Wife's Feelings Were Wrong
Invalidation Trip Threat Response #3: The Justifiable Defense
P49 My wife, over and over again, head me promise to hurt her again in the future. I thought I was intelligently sharing a different way to think about it so that my wife could adjust her silly feelings so she wouldn't be inconvenienced by them.
P70 "She says she wants all of these things from me, and then when I actually try to do them, she rejects me and treats me like her enemy! No one makes me feel as unappreciated and rejected as my wife can!" This is NOT rejection. This is the results of unmet needs further down the pyramid. Expensive gifts, flirty texts, and earnest efforts to contribute more around the house do not feel like thoughtful acts of love and intimacy when they are coming from the same person who triggers feelings of mistrust and a lack of safety."
P71 I figured I don't cheat, I don't physically abuse, I don't gamble away our living-expense money, I'm not an addict, and I'm not a threat to abandon her or our children. I'm trustworthy! But that is not the equation for Trust. The equation is: Safety + Belonging + Mattering = TRUST.
P96 One of the greatest lessons from divorce and adulthood has been the realization that unintentional pain and unintentional trust betrayals will end your relationship as surely as intentional ones will, only slower.
P164 How to Compose a Successful Critical Commentary
1. You should attempt to re-express your target's position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, "Thanks, I wish I'd thought of putting it that way."
2. You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
3. You should mention anything you have learned from your target.
4. Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.
P165 The Peace Treaty: One of the tools [my stepsister] or my brother-in-law use when they feel their temperatures rising during an argument is to leverage their mutual love of music and endearing immaturity to signal a peace treaty to the other in the middle of the conversation. If they start to feel themselves getting angry and heading toward a blowup, it's not uncommon for one of them to say something like "Stop! Collaborate and listen," and if The Peace Treaty is working as intended, the other will respond, "Ice is back with a brand-new edition," singing the lyrics to Vanilla ICe's cheesy 1990 hit "Ice Ice Baby." I like to imagine that some dancing is involved. And for this longtime married couple, this type of exchange more often than not will lead to both of them laughing and making the very conscious decision to choose their marriage and one another over trying to score cheap debate or argument points in this particular conversation that us unlikely to matter even a tiny bit a day or week later. This is a connection ritual."
P205 I loved my wife. But I didn't RESPECT her individual experiences as being equally valid to mine. Things that were real and true--and often painful--for her didn't affect me...She tried every way she knew how to communicate to me that these issues she was bringing to my attention were important. Each and every time she tried, I made it clear to her how much I disagreed and how certain I was that I was correct...My wife HURT--deep down where the medicine can't fix it--because of things I said and did. And for more than a decade, when she came to me for help to make the hurt stop, I communicated to her that I thought she was mistaken--even wrong--to feel hurt. I believed her failure to take responsibility for her emotions was the primary problem in our marriage. I seriously said that to her.
P211 as long as men collectively believe that The Things You Must Do to Have Healthy Relationships are "girl things," then I think heterosexual marriage is doomed.
P214 the best sex advice I could ever offer a young person entering a long-term romantic relationships is this: Never put your girlfriend or wife in the position of having to do things for you that your mother did for you when you were growing up at home. Turns out, this is in no way an aphrodisiac.