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A review by rebeccazh
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics by Lundy Bancroft, Jay G. Silverman
5.0
An extremely good book and should be read with [b:See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence|43800661|See What You Made Me Do Power, Control and Domestic Violence|Jess Hill|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1548975077l/43800661._SY75_.jpg|68151628] and [b:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men|224552|Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men|Lundy Bancroft|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1479651155l/224552._SX50_.jpg|217475]. The author's empathy and advocacy for domestic violence victims comes through very clearly in his writings and it's very heartening.
The first third of the book reviews and summarizes the key findings in Why Does He Do That. The second third is a review and critique of existing practices by professionals and family courts when it comes to the issue of domestic violence. The last third is a list of recommendations to the different groups, professionals and organizations involved in working with batterers, abused children or women.
Everything Bancroft describes in the second section is what Jess Hill described in her book, See What You Made Me Do. The key issues wrong with the courts, the professionals, therapists, lawyers, custody evaluators etc, is that professionals underestimate how rampant domestic violence is, and they then use guidelines either better suited for nonviolent homes, or guidelines based off misogynistic and victim-blaming theories like Freud's claims about women lying about rape and incest.
I am very interested in knowledge about domestic violence, but even so I found it very upsetting and hard to read this. Although the authors are clearly empathetic and are just illustrating the examples briefly and factually, reading about cases where kids are made to stay with abusive batterers, or even a brief reference to a woman who was killed by her husband just a week after her attempt to seek help from the courts is just so, so upsetting.
My personal takeaways were that: 1) professionals working in these fields are not trauma-informed nor trained in domestic violence, 2) batterers are extremely manipulative and articulate. Before reading this book, I was full of confidence that I would never be fooled by the bullshit spouted by a man who abuses his wife. After reading this, I can only say that I am now vaguely paranoid that if I worked in that field, I would probably be fooled. 3) the tendency to mistrust women's and children's experiences, feelings and opinions while rewarding and believing men for much less, 4) children have highly ambivalent feelings towards their batterer fathers. They do better when they do get to see their fathers after separation (except for the most terrifying of batterers). They do feel love and affection for them, do want to express these feelings, despite their fear and anger etc. 5) the strength of the bond between the child and the non-battering parent is key to the child's recovery.
Children and teenagers' responses to battering fathers are a lot more complicated than I thought. Some may experience traumatic bonding, some identify with the father and take on his beliefs, words and actions as a survival tactic, some want his attention and approval. I also very much appreciated Bancroft repeatedly emphasizing the resilience and creativity children display in resisting the batterer, which may then be pathologized or mislabelled in other contexts as problem-seeking, risk-taking, attention issues, emotional and behavioral issues, etc, when these are likely survival tactics. Bancroft mentions that very little research has been done in this area and now I really want to read a book about it.
Overall, a really fantastic book. A must-read for anyone interested in domestic violence, men's violence against women, trauma, and children's issues.
The first third of the book reviews and summarizes the key findings in Why Does He Do That. The second third is a review and critique of existing practices by professionals and family courts when it comes to the issue of domestic violence. The last third is a list of recommendations to the different groups, professionals and organizations involved in working with batterers, abused children or women.
Everything Bancroft describes in the second section is what Jess Hill described in her book, See What You Made Me Do. The key issues wrong with the courts, the professionals, therapists, lawyers, custody evaluators etc, is that professionals underestimate how rampant domestic violence is, and they then use guidelines either better suited for nonviolent homes, or guidelines based off misogynistic and victim-blaming theories like Freud's claims about women lying about rape and incest.
I am very interested in knowledge about domestic violence, but even so I found it very upsetting and hard to read this. Although the authors are clearly empathetic and are just illustrating the examples briefly and factually, reading about cases where kids are made to stay with abusive batterers, or even a brief reference to a woman who was killed by her husband just a week after her attempt to seek help from the courts is just so, so upsetting.
My personal takeaways were that: 1) professionals working in these fields are not trauma-informed nor trained in domestic violence, 2) batterers are extremely manipulative and articulate. Before reading this book, I was full of confidence that I would never be fooled by the bullshit spouted by a man who abuses his wife. After reading this, I can only say that I am now vaguely paranoid that if I worked in that field, I would probably be fooled. 3) the tendency to mistrust women's and children's experiences, feelings and opinions while rewarding and believing men for much less, 4) children have highly ambivalent feelings towards their batterer fathers. They do better when they do get to see their fathers after separation (except for the most terrifying of batterers). They do feel love and affection for them, do want to express these feelings, despite their fear and anger etc. 5) the strength of the bond between the child and the non-battering parent is key to the child's recovery.
Children and teenagers' responses to battering fathers are a lot more complicated than I thought. Some may experience traumatic bonding, some identify with the father and take on his beliefs, words and actions as a survival tactic, some want his attention and approval. I also very much appreciated Bancroft repeatedly emphasizing the resilience and creativity children display in resisting the batterer, which may then be pathologized or mislabelled in other contexts as problem-seeking, risk-taking, attention issues, emotional and behavioral issues, etc, when these are likely survival tactics. Bancroft mentions that very little research has been done in this area and now I really want to read a book about it.
Overall, a really fantastic book. A must-read for anyone interested in domestic violence, men's violence against women, trauma, and children's issues.