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charlottesometimes 's review for:
We start with an epigraph from Orson Welles, a man who in all honesty would have been very unlikely to appreciate the PLL series. Then it’s on to the prologue, wherein Ali gloats over having somehow managed against all sense to frame the PLLs for her murder. We also find out that she has yet another secret helper. Who is it this time? I’m honestly beyond caring.
In the book proper we return to the girls and their lawyer (yep, one between the four of them), Seth Rubens, who has “gotten mafia bosses out of mass-killing charges”, but who isn’t confident of winning the case of 4 rich white girls accused of a murder that makes no sense and which has no visible victim. Although admittedly this is somehow the second time the girls have been tried for murder, even though they’re not legally adults yet, which doesn’t make them look great. We jump straight into stupidity, as Spencer preps for her time in prison by visiting Angela, a prison expert whose book she has read. After willingly parting with $300 just to get through the woman’s front door, Spencer suddenly realises that despite all her research she never actually found out what crime Angela committed. Guess what? It turns out that she’s a specialist in setting up fake identities for people so that they can avoid prison! What a coincidence! However Spencer doesn’t have the $100,000 fee spare at the moment, so she decides instead to ask her lawyer father to circumvent the law and get her and her friends access to the prosecution’s currently gaoled star witness, Nick.
Nick gives them some cryptic clue about his Grandma Betty in Cape May, and the girls rush off in hot pursuit of a resident named Barbara Maxwell, since apparently Betty is short for Barbara now? The trip naturally a dead end and the PLLs learn nothing other than that Mrs DiLaurentis isn’t coming to the murder trial, information which is currently irrelevant but will be important later for very obvious and silly reasons. Much like Emily, who suddenly takes it into her head to walk into the sea and drown herself, and promptly disappears. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll be back. Although her parents obviously don’t think so, as they hold her funeral the very next day, despite it being pretty much impossible to organise an event of that sort so quickly, practically and legally. I guess they really want to see the back of her.
The remaining PLLs promptly fall out with each other, since they are a bunch of babies. In other news Wren Kim suddenly turns back up, presumably to fill in the “happy-ever-after” space left vacant in Spencer’s story. Admittedly she hasn’t seen him for years and he is a bastard, but unlike all her other exes and the rest of the Rosewood boys he is alive and not currently affiliated with Ali, so he’ll have to do. Meanwhile Aria sensibly decides to run away to Paris to escape the trial. In an even stupider move, Hanna agrees to marry Mike even though he proposes with a lacrosse bracelet rather than an engagement ring, and more significantly is a pathetic child and has no business getting married. Why couldn’t it have been Hanna who drowned? Instead we have to endure pages of gushing over bridal gowns and wedding-cake tastings, which seems to me to be taking focus away from the ongoing murder trial somewhat. Why would all the involved parents sign paperwork agreeing that two 17-year-olds who have been dating for a matter of months can get married just before one of them potentially goes to gaol for life? Why aren’t Mike’s parents more concerned about finding their missing daughter Aria, rather than picking wedding venues? The whole thing is beyond a joke. Hanna actually agrees to have Hooters waitresses serving the food,, since after all it is Mike’s wedding too. There are no words… She also calls her father specifically to tell him that he’s not invited. Does no-one think that these two people aren’t quite mature enough for marriage?
Yet more stupidity, as Aria inconspicuously takes a taxi from Paris to Amsterdam to continue lying low, before checking into a hostel using her own ID. It then turns out that Noel has magically predicted exactly where Aria will be, just outside the only Amsterdam tourist attraction Shepard has bothered to look up, and times things perfectly to bump into her. In other irrelevant love-life news, Melissa and Darren are engaged and going to have a baby? Why the hell should I care about that? It’s even less relevant that the three PLL romances I have to hear about endlessly, as though there isn’t a murder trail going on. Even the lawyer seems to have better things to do, judging by how ill-informed he is on the case.
Aria and Noel continue to swan around Europe as though they aren’t fugitives, making patronising remarks about how quaint everything is and how the euro looks like Monopoly money, even though it doesn’t. They also immediately “find” someone who makes fake American documents, although we aren’t treated to the details of how they actually accomplish this. Spencer decides to steal a handful of her mother’s jewellery and hand it over to Angela in exchange for a promise that she will help Spencer escape the law. This proves that Spencer has learnt absolutely nothing from the whole surrogate-mother-con-artist debacle. On the other hand, Mrs Hastings is a spectacular bitch even for this series, so it’s hard to feel too sorry for her loss.
Aria and Noel are swiftly captured by Interpol due to the fact that they are moronic. We also find out that Hanna is being married by a rabbi. Are the Marins Jewish? When did this happen? I guess they must be, since Hanna has all of a sudden taken to using the expression ”nebbishy”. The wedding itself is tasteless, sentimental crap which takes up far too many pages. Spencer’s decision not to run away forever because of all the wonderful things she has going for her at home is equally nauseating. I’m beginning to think Shepard is actually playing a joke on her readers with this supposed “dramatic series finale”. Now that Emily has opted out of the book the three storylines are Hanna getting married, Spencer’s sister’s pregnancy and Aria’s sightseeing, plus everyone’s childish love-lives. It would be literally impossible to pick a more banal series of subjects. The whole bizarre multiple-murder-fake-identity-secret-twin-trial-of-the-century thing seems to be barely on the radar of either the characters or the author. What’s going on?
Eventually Shepard gets bored of soppy crap and we rush to the courthouse for the verdict, which the jury have suddenly reached on a Sunday morning. Since the jury are as ridiculous as everyone else in Shepard-World, plus there’s a quarter of the book left to go, the girls are all found guilty despite a total lack of evidence and sentenced to life imprisonment. I wonder why the lawyer didn’t suggest pinning the whole thing on “dead Emily” and getting the other 3 off on minor charges of aiding and abetting. She seems to be the only one they have anything on, even if it is only a video of her looking a bit shouty and smashing stuff. Anyway, he didn’t and the PLLs are off to prison, where everyone is fat, ugly and masculine with body odour problems, plentiful scars and tattoos (and even an eye-patch!) and a love of hip-hop. You know, because they’re poor.
Naturally amongst the stereotypical prison inmates there are several Ali Cats, because apparently they absolutely fucking everywhere. They immediately begin to torment the girls via such heinous acts as making faces at them and laughing at Hanna’s nipples. Fortunately the girls are rescued from this hell less than 24 hours after they enter it by an exciting and totally unforeseen new development. Guess who’s back from the dead? Yep, Emily. We then go back in time to the night of Emily’s disappearance, although this seems to be an alternate reality where Emily is thinking completely different things from when we were inside her head during the same time-period in Chapter 5. It turns out that Emily went back to Grandma Betty’s house and found a clue: an envelope with an address, directed to someone called…Day. Yep, Ali’s secret extra surname her family dropped for some reason. How best to follow up this clue? Obviously by faking her own suicide in a dangerous manner, like a completely selfish bitch. Although admittedly it is impressive that she was thorough enough to provide fake chapter narration in an attempt to fool the reader as well as her friends.
It turns out that Ali has cunningly been hiding with her mother this whole time, as has been hinted throughout the book. She is also plain and fat now, as evil manifests itself in such a form. Let that be a lesson to you, teen girl readers. After some unnecessary fat-shaming which I’m sure will in no way effect Ms Shepard’s teen readership, Ali is arrested with disappointing ease (presumably fat neutralises her evil powers?) and dragged back to Rosewood, where she, Emily and the convict PLLs are reunited without warning in a courtroom, for some reason. A judge then immediately frees everyone except Ali and tells them all to go home, because who cares how the law works? So that’s that. Everyone heads off home, to have the love-lives and careers they’ve always wanted, whilst Ali rots on a psych ward. Everything is perfect, and even Emily gets a random new girlfriend thrown in at the last minute, since Shepard forgot to write one into the actual story. Everyone lives happily ever after. But wait…a horror still lurks. Somewhere Ali lays strapped to a hospital bed, plotting and scheming and biding her time, knowing that one day Sara Shepard will need a new pool house, or a luxury holiday in Jamaica, or some other little treat she can’t quite find the ready cash to pay for. And when that day comes she will unstrap Alison DiLaurentis, and let her loose on the world once more. And when the horror returns, who will save us?
Worst Names
Camp Rutabaga – why would you name a camp after a swede?
Brice Reginald
Fidel
Morgan Greenspan
Brussels griffon – Apparently a type of dog, not a mythological being. So at least I’ve learnt summat
Brooke Rumson
Hallbjorn
Judge Pierrot
Meyers-Lopez
Miss Vicious
Tegan
Tiffany Day
Most Unfounded and Childish Statement Regarding the Penal System
“Prisons didn’t serve pastries.”
Most Inane Text
Hailey to accused-murderer Hanna:
“I just saw another report about you on CNN. Your hair looked REALLY GOOD.”
Priorities! Although Hanna does proudly consider herself “probably the best-looking almostcriminal in the history of girls who were about to go to prison.” , so I’m sure she’s delighted with the compliment.
Worst Display of Deductive Abilities
Spencer on Wren:
“He still smelled the same, too—like cigarettes. She wondered if he still smoked.”
All signs point to yes, Spence.
Most Helpful Advice Regarding the Trial
Mike to Hanna:
“Personally, I’d like you to show off your legs.”
He’s certainly consistent, I’ll give him that.
Most Vilely Self-Pitying Thought
Aria outside the Anne Frank museum
“No one would take her in and hide her, Anne Frank–style.”
Right, that’s a reasonable comparison Aria, you insensitive bitch.
Most Unreasonable Complaint When “On the Run”
Noel:
“I thought this was sort of going to be . . . fun.”
Does anyone think Noel isn’t taking the situation seriously enough?
Most Exciting Brand-Mention
Finally, after 16 books, the PLL series mentions a brand I have both heard of and actually used: Weetabix! How thrilling! I feel like I’m one of the gang now :-)
Most Hypocritical Remark
“Aria looked at her brother. “Your wedding’s today. I forgot.”
Mike sniffed. “Yeah, I guess you’ve been too wrapped up in yourself.””
Too right Mike. Aria needs to get over the whole murder-trial thing. Okay, it was big news. And okay she’s still waiting for the verdict. But seriously, you’ve decided to get married now. Surely that should pull the limelight right back to you?
Most Accurate First-Impression Character Assessment
Random Inmate of the PLLS:
“They look like bitches”
Uncannily accurate.
Well, that was a massive anti-climax. Alison is arrested, everyone gets everything they’ve ever wanted, the end. No questions whatsoever are answered. Mrs DiLaurentis is punished for being Ali’s mother. Both fathers, Mr DiLaurentis & Mr Hastings, get off scot-free. Everyone forgets that Jason ever existed. Alison, the most Machiavellian human being to have ever existed, is caught because she leaves her address lying around and hides with her own mother using her own surname. Still, at least it’s all finally over. Freedom!