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A review by entirelybonkerz
Dear Aaron by Mariana Zapata
1.0
I have such a love/hate relationship to Mariana at this point, call us enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies if you will.
I fell into the Mariana rabbit hole after I read both Wall of Winnipeg and All Rhodes Lead Here and absolutely fell in love with BOTH of them. Five stars, and then I decided to read the rest of her blacklist.
worst mistake of my life
IT DOES NOT COMPUTE IN MY BRAIN HOW THE WOMAN WHO WROTE WINNIPEG AND RHODES ALSO WROTE THIS and Lukov.
(Yes, I also absolutely despise Lukov)
But I can LIVE WITH Lukov, I CANNOT LIVE WITH DEAR AARON.
THIS GOT ME ABSOLUTELY STRESSED THE F*CK OUT.
Okay, Okay, let's get on with this so I never have to think about this book ever again.
This is supposed to be a pen-pal romance. He is stationed somewhere in the army and she works for a company that assigns people to military men who are far away from home (so they won't feel as lonely and someone will check in with them weekly). Totally cool, right?
There is nothing I love more than texting and long distance slow-burns. I love the whole pen-pal trope and I thought: well this should be pretty easy to love...
It took only 3 letters from her for me to want to shoot myself. Listen, if you love this book, I am deeply, deeply sorry. I just can't keep this inside me. It burns.
He doesn't reply to her first five letters because he is busy, so the first 20 pages are just: Hey, checking in with you again. No worries if you can't respond, but I'd love to chat when you can. Heyyyy, sorry, don't mean to bother you, checking in again. Heyyyy, I hope this finds you well. It's okay if you can't respond, just checking in with you again... when she finally gave up at the last letter I almost cried with relief...
but guess what HE DID????? HE RESPONDED.
It was like reading about two four year olds exchanging letters. She would make fart jokes, dad jokes and he would respond with: wow, you are so funny, you made me spit my coffee, no one makes me laugh like you do.
HOMIE I JUST THINK BEING IN THE ARMY without talking to women for so long has seriously affected you.
She literally shares in the earlier letters that the last army guy she was e-mailing sent her pictures of his and I QUOTE "TRICK" because this female main character is such a fucking prude that she can't even say DICK (she does it multiple times, she can't type the word dick because it would be too much) And once Aaron asks her, did you send anything back to him? Do you know WHAT SHE SAID?
THAT SHE DOESN'T SEND PICTURES OF HER NO NO ZONES.
How in the WORLD am I supposed to cheer for these two characters to end up together and want to FUCK each other, when you both talk like the most pathetic/under developed adults I HAVE EVER SEEN?
She also is a NERDY GIRLLL and spends tons of e-mails talking about how she plays video-games, and watches lord of the rings, and plays world of warcraft.
SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS AND AARON HAS NEVER MET A GIRL WHO'S INTO VIDEO GAMES OK????
I've had video-game consoles since I was five and I know plenty of girls who did too. I've been playing MOBA and RPG games for YEARS. YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL.
Not to mention, she did it again. They talk about poops, shits, farts, burps, having someone piss on you... Mariana has this uncanny obsession with bodily fluids and I honestly CAN'T. I PHISICALLY CAN'T.
Romances are supposed to be sexy, even when they're wholesome. Mariana focused so so so so so hard on the wholesome that now I can read this to a newborn and they will probably have a great time.
NO CONNECTION, no chemistry, no sparks, nothing redeemable about the most boring characters I've ever read in my life.
Also why do ALL OF HER FEMALES FORGET TO CARRY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: A PERSONALITY???? All of them are meek, and perfect, they are so good and caring and they don't have a single drop of darkness or duality or SEASONING.
I just can't stand reading about ANOTHER female who helps the elderly cross the sidewalk, and gives flowers to the old lady down the street, who never drinks and loves her family more than anything and has the personality of a ten year old boy.
I want/need FLAWED FEMALES, REAL FEMALES. Who have trust issues, women who won't forgive everyone who hurts them because they don’t have some fucking snow white complex. Women who are not constantly trying to be the “bigger person”. I want REAL WOMEN.
I really am beginning to think Mariana is a two hit wonder, I wish I enjoyed her other books. I guess two really GREAT ones is enough for a lifetime and I will give her that.
It just pisses me off because I know she can do better. Anyways, this is the end of my rant. The most boring book I have ever read in my life. I can finally move on.
Thank you for reading.