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Before we begin, I just want to say: my marriage is not in trouble!! While I did complain about my husband on Instagram stories this week (he left a Triscuit box open so they all went stale and I found out as I went to pack my lunch), he is a sweet little lambchop despite the fact that he still leaves peanut butter on the kitchen sponge and doesn't know how to cook besides burgers and noodles.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.