A review by emergencily
Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin

5.0

  •  At first, feels like the candid, unedited ramblings of a teenager’s angsty diary. There are parts where it devolves into an excess of self-pitying angst & wallowing self-destruction delivered via endless, monologues full of flowery metaphors that become repetitive and trite. Getting through the first 100 pgs felt like pulling teeth because of this
  • On the other hand, that in itself is precisely what makes it an incredibly accurate depiction of depression + social isolation in your teens/early 20s LOL
  • A unique look into the inner world of a closeted lesbian in 1980s Taiwan. It’s not a comfortable read because it’s about a protagonist who occupies a social position that is deeply discomfiting
  • By the end of the book I had changed my mind - the long monologues of misery were worth it. Seeing Lazi finally grow as a person as she tries to build community, and dares to hope for a future for herself is moving (even if the journey there is long. very long.)
  • The book isn’t marked as autobiographical, but it’s so personal and feels so much like someone’s real diary that it’s hard not to believe there wasn’t a lot of the author's own feelings and experiences in this. It’s sad to read the echoes of her pain, her sense of solitude, and the self-hatred she grappled with for her sexuality & gender in the pages of this book
  • Sometimes I felt frustration with the protagonist, but at the same time, I empathize with her and I recognize my younger self in her
  • As the book progresses her rare moments of clarity & self-awareness are such shining and hopeful moments. More than anything, you want to see Lazi happy.
 
Other notes:
  • This book is apparently the origin of the Chinese slang term for lesbian, "lala," from the protagonist's name "Lazi"
  •  Almost the antithesis of a novel; no structure, not much plot. Mostly focused on inner monologues
  • Some of her descriptions of love and how she views her lover can be trite, but sometimes it is incredibly moving and beautiful. Love is so all-encompassing for her.
    • "Tell me, just this once, if you still think of me. And let me recklessly, tenderly, tell you one more time: I love you."
    • "I’d taken everyone I loved and killed them off in my heart, one by one. I’d long been tending their graves—secretly visiting and mourning during the day, going out and erecting a cross on starry nights, lying inside and awaiting my own death on starless nights. That was my Atlantis, the kingdom I’d built in the name of separation. I’d never before unearthed so much of myself, and so suddenly at that. Inside the world of my tomb, everyone else was dead, I alone survived, and that was the reason for my sorrow."
    • "She'd been harboring her love for me like an oyster cultivating a pearl."
  •  Tun Tun & Zhi Rou are the MVPs - girl best friends with undeniable homoerotic romantic tension that ends as a life-changing, soul crushing rift between friends. Even as they go on to perform heterosexuality & femininity and try to cope by conforming within society, they can't forget what they meant to each other and they carry the impressions they left on each other in everything they do
  •  Meng Sheng – a terrible, terrible man, but someone who burns all the brighter for it. You can't help but be charmed by him and drawn into his orbit. He’s the kind of person who lives life like a comet; fast and hard until he self-implodes. I loved the parallels in the role reversal drawn btwn Lazi and Meng Sheng as the novel progresses; in their youth, Meng Sheng asks her to keep living and to stop hurting herself. Years later, she's the one in his position.
  •  Really interesting ruminations on the gender binary & gender nonconformity, on masculinity & femininity, yin & yang. Would have loved if there could have been more space in the novel for this

EDIT: i changed my mind hehe i'm giving 5 stars because this book just ended up staying with me...it has its flaws but the emotional journey & impact is more important to me
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