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1amtarth 's review for:
Lots of examples of interactions and behaviors. Audiobook was 8 hours and felt like it went pretty quickly.
Things that get in the way of listening: preoccupation with your own point, distracting thoughts, deciding that you already know what the speaker is going to say, twisting the speaker's message to fit your expectations.
Ways to show that you are listening: being silent, pausing before speaking, making eye contact unless doing so would be too aggressive, physically turning toward the person, uncrossing your arms, nodding when appropriate.
When restating what the speaker said, paraphrase rather than interpret.
To people with BPD, if an explanation feels right, it is right. They don't challenge their interpretations of events. Their interpretations of other people's actions and behaviors are "correct." Facts that don't fit with a person with BPD's theories may be denied or ignored. They take it personally when you try to correct their perception of events. They feel it is a direct criticism of them, feeling like you are calling them wrong or bad.
People with BPD are emotionally immature, childlike.
When setting boundaries and expectations with someone with BPD, be specific and introduce them slowly. One at a time.
Don't deny or invalidate their feelings. Even if they don't make sense to you, they make sense to them. When discussing the events that precipitated the emotions that don't make sense to you, talk with "my reality" statements, which clarify your perception of events, and your feelings about those events. Don't justify, over-explain, or debate. "I understand that you feel this way, but I see it differently."
When dealing with in-the-moment conflicts and escalations, talk about how events and their behavior are affecting you emotionally, how you are feeling. If you're trying to suggest a shift in behavior from them (stop yelling at me, etc.) mention how you can still have a good time (the event/experience isn't irrevocable ruined.)
If the person with BPD is resistant or resentful of your boundaries, don't say that your boundaries are good or justified. Just that they are what you want. Ask them to respect your feelings, even if they aren't how they would feel in your position.
You are not acting against the person with BPD; you are acting for yourself.
Parents with BPD may need their children to be just like them, and are threatened when children have different feelings or opinions. Also common in people with narcissistic personality disorder.
Distortion campaigns: character assassination; person with BPD tells other people that someone is a bad person, trying to make that someone seem unreliable, unfair, unsafe, etc.
Things that get in the way of listening: preoccupation with your own point, distracting thoughts, deciding that you already know what the speaker is going to say, twisting the speaker's message to fit your expectations.
Ways to show that you are listening: being silent, pausing before speaking, making eye contact unless doing so would be too aggressive, physically turning toward the person, uncrossing your arms, nodding when appropriate.
When restating what the speaker said, paraphrase rather than interpret.
To people with BPD, if an explanation feels right, it is right. They don't challenge their interpretations of events. Their interpretations of other people's actions and behaviors are "correct." Facts that don't fit with a person with BPD's theories may be denied or ignored. They take it personally when you try to correct their perception of events. They feel it is a direct criticism of them, feeling like you are calling them wrong or bad.
People with BPD are emotionally immature, childlike.
When setting boundaries and expectations with someone with BPD, be specific and introduce them slowly. One at a time.
Don't deny or invalidate their feelings. Even if they don't make sense to you, they make sense to them. When discussing the events that precipitated the emotions that don't make sense to you, talk with "my reality" statements, which clarify your perception of events, and your feelings about those events. Don't justify, over-explain, or debate. "I understand that you feel this way, but I see it differently."
When dealing with in-the-moment conflicts and escalations, talk about how events and their behavior are affecting you emotionally, how you are feeling. If you're trying to suggest a shift in behavior from them (stop yelling at me, etc.) mention how you can still have a good time (the event/experience isn't irrevocable ruined.)
If the person with BPD is resistant or resentful of your boundaries, don't say that your boundaries are good or justified. Just that they are what you want. Ask them to respect your feelings, even if they aren't how they would feel in your position.
You are not acting against the person with BPD; you are acting for yourself.
Parents with BPD may need their children to be just like them, and are threatened when children have different feelings or opinions. Also common in people with narcissistic personality disorder.
Distortion campaigns: character assassination; person with BPD tells other people that someone is a bad person, trying to make that someone seem unreliable, unfair, unsafe, etc.