A review by lactoseintolerant
The Cancer Journals by Audre Lorde

5.0

There is something special, in a peculiar way, in reading about the tenderness one feels towards her breast, and the mourning the loss of one begets. 

When my mom got breast cancer, insurance would not cover a full mastectomy. She instead received a lumpectomy- her breasts now a battlefield, with the potential for leftover mines. Every checkup: a source of fear and anxiety. Two months after her surgery, I had mine. Something I had fought exhaustively to receive, after years of waitlists and letters from doctors and therapists insisting, "Yes! This is not a phase!"

We commiserated over our similar procedures: the anesthesia, the exhaustion, the physical therapy, the inability to raise our arms. But mine was a surgery of celebration, while hers was one wrapped in loss and pain. Mine was a new beginning, and hers was a threat to her very end. 

Lorde's visceral reactions of deep emotional pain towards the loss of her breast is not something I would have had the tools to understand, had I not read this book. My mothers pain is not something I had the tools to understand. While all three of us have felt the shocking, excruciating nerve pain of our phantom breasts, our experiences were vastly different. The nights I spent naively and deludedly praying for breast cancer, so I wouldn't have to keep constantly fighting to remove mine, hung over my head like a storm cloud as I read and heard the horrific and heartbreaking reality of what breast cancer did to Lorde's psyche. And to my mothers. 

Piecing our experiences together (and contemplating the ways they're apart) while reading this book was invaluable for me. 

Even without these experiences, I can't imagine it would be anything less for anyone else. Lorde's journals are more honest than most people dare be with themselves. Her analysis of misogyny, racism, and ableism within medical science is equally relevant and important today. She impassionedly advocates for health education and empowerment for cancer survivors. These revelations should not be taken lightly, nor for granted. Her analysis is beyond important- a crucial read. When Lorde dreams of one breasted garments, I dream with her. 

We do not need to hide the battles we've endured. These experiences shape us into who we are. And no matter how weak or strong, that person is valuable.

I will read this again.