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A review by bmcollins0
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
Did not finish book. Stopped at 70%.
I think Come As You Are is probably great for its target audience, but personally this book actually made me feel worse than before for 2 main reasons.
In its very repetitious efforts to declare that everything/one is normal it inadvertently sends the message that normal is the most important thing to be. Unfortunately we are not all normal, statistically it is impossible for everyone to be normal. I, for example, have genetic conditions that make me statistically abnormal, but I have worked hard to remind myself that variance from the norm is a perfectly neutral part of the human experience. Reading this book just highlighted for me that even though sex is hard for many people I am further isolated in the barriers I face.
Secondly, this book introduces the dual control model and then offers a quiz to categorize readers. For the high SI subsection of people she states that this subtype is the most coorelated with difficulty engaging in sex. Her recommendations include a worksheet several chapters later that guides you to optimize the environment your having sex to reduce inhibitions, and the recommendation to practice mindfulness. To me it felt like having my hopes set up for more specific ways to navigate sex anxiety only to experience the major let down chapter later of some very generic tips. Leading me to feel a sense of hopelessness.
Side notes:
This book is very much not written for someone in a queer relationship. It might have a lesbian couple as an example case, but it still primarily speaks in male/female dichotomies.
Half of this book feels like an ad for a the book which I am reading so I have already purchased.
The dialogue/scenarios presented often feel very very on the nose and fake.
In its very repetitious efforts to declare that everything/one is normal it inadvertently sends the message that normal is the most important thing to be. Unfortunately we are not all normal, statistically it is impossible for everyone to be normal. I, for example, have genetic conditions that make me statistically abnormal, but I have worked hard to remind myself that variance from the norm is a perfectly neutral part of the human experience. Reading this book just highlighted for me that even though sex is hard for many people I am further isolated in the barriers I face.
Secondly, this book introduces the dual control model and then offers a quiz to categorize readers. For the high SI subsection of people she states that this subtype is the most coorelated with difficulty engaging in sex. Her recommendations include a worksheet several chapters later that guides you to optimize the environment your having sex to reduce inhibitions, and the recommendation to practice mindfulness. To me it felt like having my hopes set up for more specific ways to navigate sex anxiety only to experience the major let down chapter later of some very generic tips. Leading me to feel a sense of hopelessness.
Side notes:
This book is very much not written for someone in a queer relationship. It might have a lesbian couple as an example case, but it still primarily speaks in male/female dichotomies.
Half of this book feels like an ad for a the book which I am reading so I have already purchased.
The dialogue/scenarios presented often feel very very on the nose and fake.