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paigeturner22 's review for:
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
by Esther Perel
This was an interesting read.
After watching Esther's Ted Talk, and seeing her on a recent episode of Red Table Talk, I was curious about what more she had to say on the topic of love, relationships, fidelity, and the dreaded infidelity.
This book was an eye-opening and voyeuristic journey into the land of love. Those falling into it, those falling out of it, and those betraying that of others. She talks at length about some of the causes for affairs, some of the personal needs (NOT JUST SEX), that lead many to seek companionship outside of their partnerships, and the ways that affairs can change the trajectory of a stale relationship or become the birthplace of a new normal.
Esther's goal here is not to speak for or against, but to broaden our consciousness as a culture regarding the many ways that people experience relationships. She spares none of the dirty and sometimes heartbreaking details of those who have found themselves inexplicably on the outside of their own marriages and partnerships, and also gives a compassionate introspective view into the lives of those who willingly and unwittingly were secret lovers themselves.
One such story, of a daughter who retold her mother's decades-long love affair with a married society man, was especially poignant. She talked about how when her mother passed away, this man, who'd been her partner of sorts for years, attended her funeral in secret, and depended on this daughter for a place to share his forbidden grief. She also recounted how years later, she was the stranger at his funeral, hearing how much his family thought of him, while never knowing who he fully, truly was. Esther takes time to explore all angles of this story, the mother - who loved finding love after enduring painful past marriages of her own, the partner - who doted on her and relished their secret love nest, the wife - who had long lost interest in a sexual relationship with her husband, but valued their legacy, and the daughter - who had never asked to become secret keeper, and her questions about how this romance/affair valued or devalued her mother or how she felt about being complicit in the betrayal of a stranger.
So. Many. Feelings.
When my grandmother passed away 20 years ago, my family experienced a shock when suddenly my grandfather's decades-long mistress appeared and felt it her right to take her place. At the time, 17 year old me was not at ALL able to rectify this scenario in my head, and it has taken years to find forgiveness, peace, or even just acceptance with it all. The concept that for someone else's "happiness", another human could basically be deemed valueless. That whatever the original love was, no longer mattered.
Affairs, and their aftermath, change people. They create divots and and fractures that families sometimes never recover from.
But sometimes they do. Sometimes they thrive. Sometimes they redefine what fidelity and monogamy is.
This book explores traditional marriage and partnership, domestic partnerships, polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. While everyone is not going to agree with all that is presented, it is still a thrilling and at times mind-blowing read. Bonus for audiobook listeners: Esther includes snippets from her podcast "Where Should We Begin" which features actual therapy sessions with couples trying to navigate through the aftermath of infidelity.
After watching Esther's Ted Talk, and seeing her on a recent episode of Red Table Talk, I was curious about what more she had to say on the topic of love, relationships, fidelity, and the dreaded infidelity.
This book was an eye-opening and voyeuristic journey into the land of love. Those falling into it, those falling out of it, and those betraying that of others. She talks at length about some of the causes for affairs, some of the personal needs (NOT JUST SEX), that lead many to seek companionship outside of their partnerships, and the ways that affairs can change the trajectory of a stale relationship or become the birthplace of a new normal.
Esther's goal here is not to speak for or against, but to broaden our consciousness as a culture regarding the many ways that people experience relationships. She spares none of the dirty and sometimes heartbreaking details of those who have found themselves inexplicably on the outside of their own marriages and partnerships, and also gives a compassionate introspective view into the lives of those who willingly and unwittingly were secret lovers themselves.
One such story, of a daughter who retold her mother's decades-long love affair with a married society man, was especially poignant. She talked about how when her mother passed away, this man, who'd been her partner of sorts for years, attended her funeral in secret, and depended on this daughter for a place to share his forbidden grief. She also recounted how years later, she was the stranger at his funeral, hearing how much his family thought of him, while never knowing who he fully, truly was. Esther takes time to explore all angles of this story, the mother - who loved finding love after enduring painful past marriages of her own, the partner - who doted on her and relished their secret love nest, the wife - who had long lost interest in a sexual relationship with her husband, but valued their legacy, and the daughter - who had never asked to become secret keeper, and her questions about how this romance/affair valued or devalued her mother or how she felt about being complicit in the betrayal of a stranger.
So. Many. Feelings.
When my grandmother passed away 20 years ago, my family experienced a shock when suddenly my grandfather's decades-long mistress appeared and felt it her right to take her place. At the time, 17 year old me was not at ALL able to rectify this scenario in my head, and it has taken years to find forgiveness, peace, or even just acceptance with it all. The concept that for someone else's "happiness", another human could basically be deemed valueless. That whatever the original love was, no longer mattered.
Affairs, and their aftermath, change people. They create divots and and fractures that families sometimes never recover from.
But sometimes they do. Sometimes they thrive. Sometimes they redefine what fidelity and monogamy is.
This book explores traditional marriage and partnership, domestic partnerships, polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. While everyone is not going to agree with all that is presented, it is still a thrilling and at times mind-blowing read. Bonus for audiobook listeners: Esther includes snippets from her podcast "Where Should We Begin" which features actual therapy sessions with couples trying to navigate through the aftermath of infidelity.