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A review by dunningsk
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine
hopeful
informative
reflective
fast-paced
3.75
I think a lot of people are probably already pretty familiar with the "basics" of attachment theory at this point. It's definitely begun to creep into our cultural consciousness. I think this is worth reading if you want to get a more objective, research-based understanding of the topic. This is not a book about how to "heal" or "change" your attachment style. It gives some advice on how to navigate dating/relationships by understanding your current attachment style and what kind of partner may mesh with that.
A lot of the criticism of this book centers around it being biased toward anxious types/against avoidant types, or painting avoidant types in a bad light. I'm more of an anxious type so certainly I have my own biases. But I can also say from experience - it's just true that if you are anxiously attached, an avoidant type is not going to be a good partner for you. Sure there are exceptions, but one of the major points of the book is that we should stop trying to FORCE relationships that have the odds stacked against them. If you are anxiously attached and you recognize that about yourself - stop pursuing people who don't want to, for example, text throughout the day, hang out every night, are reticent to use words of affirmation etc. Similarly, if you are an avoidant type, stop pursuing people who NEED those things to be happy in a relationship.
There is not really anything in here about moving toward a more secure type. That is probably beyond the scope of a self help book. What the book does offer is, what I think, is a very important Step 1: become more self aware, and ask yourself hard questions about what you NEED to be fully happy in a relationship. For many people, that is going to mean pursuing partners with a specific attachment style, or at least avoiding certain ones.
A lot of the criticism of this book centers around it being biased toward anxious types/against avoidant types, or painting avoidant types in a bad light. I'm more of an anxious type so certainly I have my own biases. But I can also say from experience - it's just true that if you are anxiously attached, an avoidant type is not going to be a good partner for you. Sure there are exceptions, but one of the major points of the book is that we should stop trying to FORCE relationships that have the odds stacked against them. If you are anxiously attached and you recognize that about yourself - stop pursuing people who don't want to, for example, text throughout the day, hang out every night, are reticent to use words of affirmation etc. Similarly, if you are an avoidant type, stop pursuing people who NEED those things to be happy in a relationship.
There is not really anything in here about moving toward a more secure type. That is probably beyond the scope of a self help book. What the book does offer is, what I think, is a very important Step 1: become more self aware, and ask yourself hard questions about what you NEED to be fully happy in a relationship. For many people, that is going to mean pursuing partners with a specific attachment style, or at least avoiding certain ones.