A review by rebleejen
An Arranged Marriage by Jo Beverley

3.0

Eleanor must live under her brother's roof until she comes into her inheritance at age 25. Unfortunately, her brother is a debauched lunatic who has decided to marry her off to a creepy old lecher, just because he can, and there's nothing Eleanor can do about it. One night Eleanor is holed up in her room, trying to avoid her brother's latest orgy and possibly get some sleep. Meanwhile, there's a gay earl downstairs who isn't having much fun either; he suspects he might have been drugged. Then the creepy old lecher who's engaged to Eleanor tries to hook the gay earl up with a handsome young lad, but the gay earl's like, "What? I'm not gay!" and the lecher's like, "Oh dear, my mistake, why don't you take this lovely young whore we've got upstairs, just to show there are no hard feelings--unless you really ARE gay, of course." Well, of course the gay earl can have sex with a woman, especially since he's drugged and all, and conveniently enough, the woman in question, who happens to be Eleanor, has also been drugged so she can't tell the gay earl she's actually not a whore and wouldn't like to be ravished while she's practically unconscious. The next morning the gay earl is a little fuzzy on the details, but he's pretty sure something untoward has happened and he's on his way to Eleanor's brother's house to get it sorted out when he sees Eleanor preparing to jump off a bridge because now she's ruined and she could be pregnant and she has no choice but to marry the creepy old lecher (not that she had much choice to begin with), but the gay earl stops her from committing suicide (because for a rapist, he's not really a bad sort...when he's sober) and when he realizes she is the debauched lunatic's SISTER, he's like, "What? What?! WHAT?!! Oh, no, he did NOT!" and he explains to Eleanor that there's been a terrible misunderstanding, that he didn't mean to rape her, and anyway, it wasn't him but his TWIN BROTHER, who unfortunately just left for the continent, but he'll call him back right away and make sure he marries her. Yeah, right. Well, it turns out he really DOES have a twin brother, who really is on the continent (but didn't really rape her; the drugged gay earl did that and is just too embarrassed to admit it and too gay to marry her himself). Eleanor isn't sure at first if she wants to marry her rapist, but the gay earl assures her that his brother isn't usually a rapist and anyway, he travels a lot, so she wouldn't have to put up with him that much. Eleanor decides this is a better fate than death or marriage to the creepy old lecher, so she agrees. Splendid! The gay earl writes a letter saying, "Hey, bro, it seems I've accidentally deprived a gently bred young lady of her virginity. Would you mind terribly taking one for the team? Because if you don't, I will cut off your allowance!" The twin brother, who has recently discovered a Napoleonic conspiracy tracing back to his former mistress, doesn't really need his allowance from the gay earl because he's his own man (independent, straight, you know), but he does love his brother and has to get married eventually anyway, so what the heck--but given that the government minister to whom he's revealed the Napoleonic conspiracy tracing back to his former mistress has asked him to resume a relationship with said mistress in order to get information to bring down said conspiracy, this marriage of convenience is a little INconvenient--I mean, marrying the girl your brother accidentally raped and possibly impregnated is one thing, but the TIMING could be a lot better, you know? And this brings us to chapter 2.

If you're not the least bit curious what happens next, you're a better person than I am. Suffice it to say, this level of WTFery is not sustainable for a full-length novel. The good news is that Eleanor finds out relatively quickly that her new husband is not her Accidental Rapist, so when she consummates the marriage and falls in love with him, it's a lot less sick than it might otherwise be. The bad news is that while she knows that he has a mistress, she DOESN'T know about the Napoleonic conspiracy and definitely doesn't know that he's only having sex with this woman because the government asked him to, so she's very confused, and too much of the novel is focused on her and her confusion and waiting around to get a clue while Gentle Reader is wondering what happened to the husband--wasn't he a character in this story too? what's he up to, anyway?--until he finally rejoins the plot so he can be manipulated by the bad guys who kidnap Eleanor but then let her go, and then the husband disappears again, and pregnant Eleanor's just waiting around, hum de dum, is my husband still alive and do I even want him back if he is and just what was that stupid Napoleonic conspiracy all about anyway, and Gentle Reader wonders the same thing. FINALLY, the husband rejoins the plot (again) to offer a Scooby-Doo resolution to the whole Napoleonic conspiracy thing and wait around for Eleanor to decide how long SHE'S going to wait to tell him that of course she's going to take him back because she's in love with him even though he didn't trust her enough to tell her that he was only having sex with this other woman for patriotic reasons. Once you go Scooby-Doo, you can't yammer on another 40 pages about a foregone conclusion. Come on.

On the other hand, I did finish it. 2.5 stars, maybe. I'm feeling generous.