Review by kccool12255 - If Only I Had Told Her

kccool12255 's review for:

If Only I Had Told Her by Laura Nowlin

3.75

challenging dark emotional hopeful inspiring reflective sad slow-paced

Plot or Character Driven: Character

Strong character development: Yes

Loveable characters: No

Diverse cast of characters: No

Flaws of characters a main focus: Complicated

I don't know if I remember enough about my reading of this book from like three months ago, but I'll give this a shot.

For starters, "if he had been with me" was mid, at best. When I finished reading it, I was so emotionally shattered that I couldn't offer any feedback on the matter, but now I have (mostly) recovered, and I'm here to tell you that the first book is not great, and barely even good. The dialogue is incredibly awkward, clunky, and lacks a great deal of emotional depth, and there were a lot of stupid lines that literally made me laugh out loud. The characters were barely fleshed out at ALL (despite Autumn being the main character, I don't think I could tell you a single one of her character traits), and the side characters are so forgettable it's not even funny. I wish that Autumn's friends had been given ANYTHING for us to relate to or to sympathize with, because I literally don't think I could tell you all of their names. Not only that, I don't even think I could establish any of FINN'S defining character traits, and he's ALSO a main character. Sylvie could've been fleshed out more

and Finn DEFINITELY didn't need to CHEAT on her with Autumn

, and Jamie didn't need to just turn into a jerk at the end, and neither did Sasha. It was all a bit unnecessary.

And I was ANNOYED at the way that book handled sex. For one, I UNDERSTAND that it's a teen book, but does sex have to be ALL we talk about? Can we talk about ANYTHING else? Like why does there have to be so many MENTIONS of it?

I find it funny (and by funny, I mean incredibly stupid) at the way that this novel Autumn is working on for MONTHS is so lacking and honestly crappy in the end, but not only that, Finn has LITTLE TO NO REACTION at the fact that these characters, who VERY OBVIOUSLY represent him and Autumn, have sex and she gets pregnant, despite the fact that he and Autumn have NEVER had sex, he currently has a GIRLFRIEND, and that kind of stuff is VERY inappropriate for her to be writing. On top of that, I repeat, HE DID NOT NEED TO CHEAT ON SYLVIE WITH AUTUMN. If you're going to write a main couple and make them cute, don't involve CHEATING in the mix, because one, it's going to TRIGGER some people, and two, it's UNNECESSARY. Though I get it's part of the story that eventually leads to his death, it STILL bugs me.

But that's not even the real issue, is them talking about sex. It's the way the author deals with it.

In what world does having sex ONE TIME get you pregnant? I understand it CAN and DOES happen, but Angie got pregnant after having sex with Dave ONCE. Oh, and by the way, NONE OF THESE IDIOT TEENAGERS USE PROTECTION. OF COURSE YOU'RE GONNA GET PREGNANT. I know I sound like a broken record here, but just hold on. Because if it had JUST been Angie, I could've pardoned it, but then AUTUMN has sex with Finn ONE TIME and then carries his child. Every single time something like this happens in this book, everybody gets pregnant after having sex ONCE, which is annoying and unrealistic.

None of that pertains to THIS particular review, but I think it sets a backdrop for what's to come. And by the way, this book deals with a lot of the same stuff as the first book, so really, it's fitting. You might be asking why I read the sequel, if I didn't like the first book all that much. And to that, I say...I don't know. Because I know that these books are badly written, but I'm in too deep now. I had to know what new things the author was going to bring to this book, even if it required me to read this book with tallies. Because I wanted to actually ENTERTAIN myself this time around, I kept count of all of the stupid lines, the bad dialogue, the number of times Laura Nowlin, a woman author, wrote about Finn talking about his PENIS (yes, that's a REAL THING THAT HAPPENS MULTIPLE TIMES), how many times Finn was a crappy boyfriend, and how many times the MAIN ROMANTIC COUPLE were NOT cute/did NOT cute things, or had zero chemistry. I could unfortunately not keep these tallies going after

Finn DIES

, but in case there's any curiosity, this is what we ended up with:

Stupid Lines: 31
Bad Dialogue: 12
"Penis" Count: 4
Crappy Boyfriend Finn: 116 (which I counted by line/times he could've stopped what was happening with Autumn, because an indeterminable amount of points is added to this tally for him getting with Sylvie while he was in love with someone else, leading her on for four years, and then cheating on her with the girl he was in love with the entire time.)
Not Cute Things/Zero Chemistry: 42

(I would also like to clarify that, despite all this, I did NOT go into this book with a negative mindset. I was not looking to hate it. I was just preparing myself for what was to come.)

Let's get the good things out of the way first.

For what it's worth, I love the way this book handles grief. Everyone dealing with

Finn's death

takes up at least 200 pages, and it's just really interesting to see. While I knew it would be DEPRESSING, it also offered nice insight, and really gave this book some heart, which I was impressed with. I could really sympathize with the characters, and it really made me feel what they were feeling.

Jack, Finn's best friend, just feels completely lost, which is understandable, and he has to go to college ALONE, but his life eventually moves on, and he finds a way to deal with his grief, and it's really cool and insightful to see. I have mixed feelings about him being given a POV, but for what it's worth, I liked his section, and I liked seeing an outsider's view on Finn and Autumn's relationship. He DOES have stupid lines, but for the most part, I actually like his character. He seems like a really decent guy.

Autumn's POV is also frickin depressing,

and I HATE the pregnancy trope with her

, but for what it is, is actually not bad. It introduces a lot of conflict that's really interesting to read (though I don't like reading in Autumn's POV), and it's not FUN, but it keeps you interested. There's not a lot going on in this book after the big incident, so I'm glad we have some stuff to keep us entertained.

I also really like the flashback scenes. Reading over Finn and Autumn's childhood makes me incredibly sad, realizing what they could've had, and reading over Finn and Sylvie's beginning makes me PISSED, but I'll get to that later. I enjoy how flashbacks were used only for Finn's POV as well, because doing them the whole book probably would've watered it down (though it also could've made it better? That could've been a nice companion to

Autumn's pregnancy, and

the other storylines). Overall, the flashback scenes were good, and I enjoyed the writing of those WAY more than the first half of this story, I will say.

It's because of the way this book handles grief and the flashback storylines that - I will confess - I like this book better than the first. The second half after Finn's POV ends is WAY easier to read, has less stupid writing, and is actually very insightful and borderline emotional. I know it made me sad. And I also really like the ending,

though I wish we could've found out what Autumn ends up naming their daughter. I feel like if it had been a son, she would've named him Finn, but I have no idea what she's going to call their daughter.

and how it's just so reflective and Autumn can finally move on. However, I could not reasonably rate this book any higher, because...well...

Let's get on to the bad stuff. The negatives.

Because I want to get it out of the way, DOES NO ONE ELSE TAKE ISSUE WITH THE FACT THAT Laura Nowlin, a FEMALE AUTHOR, writes from the perspective of a MALE (that in and of itself is not bad, BUT) AND TALKS ABOUT HIS PENIS???? IS THAT NOT CONCERNING TO ANYONE ELSE???

"My penis, based on very minimal evidence, has decided that today is going to be the greatest day of both our lives. I udnerstand its enthusiasm, but it's (sadly) vastly overestimating the situation."
"Remembering Sylvie robs my penis of the delusion that a miracle is about to occur and adds to my already bloated guilt."
"Though my penis remains somewhat optimistic, the blankets provide cover."

AND NOT ONLY THAT, SHE MAKES IT SOMEWHAT SENTIENT. UGHHHHHH.

AND NOT ONLY THAT, but in (one of the suckier) flashback scenes, this WOMAN, THIS FEMALE AUTHOR, WRITES ABOUT HOW THESE TWO TEENAGE BOYS TALK ABOUT J*RKING OFF.

"Okay, whatever. I know you've j*rked off to one of them at least once by now. Which one was it?"
...
"Sylvie, you pervert."

That first line was said by Jack, which is probably the main reason I don't like him entirely. But more importantly, what POSSESSED Laura Nowlin to write THAT? EASILY the worst line in the book, I literally GASPED out loud when I read it. I hope this woman is haunted by that for the rest of her days, because it traumatized me.

And those four are only HALF of the stupid quotes I kept from this book. Here come the rest:

"...it felt like the atoms between us were warm with my love for her." (this line literally made me laugh out loud because of how stupid it was)
"I never stood a chance.
Even before she grew breasts." (another funny line)
"She makes a soft noise, the sort of noise I wish I oculd be responsible for while she is awake and consenting." (HUH????????)

In conclusion to that whole tangent, this girl should not be allowed to write from the perspective of a male. I did not need to read descriptions of both Finn AND Autumn's genitalia, OR read his borderline stalker obsession with her.

But while we're on the topic of Finn, let's talk about HIS version

of his and Autumn's sex scene from the first book, which I DID NOT WANT TO READ AGAIN. Because you know what we needed in this book? A MORE DESCRIPTIVE VERSION OF THE SCENE. YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen. ONCE AGAIN, I get this is a teen book. And I was prepared for the description and showing of sex, which is (unfortunately) plaguing the teen genre. But here's my question. If you're trying to make sex an appealing thing to teenagers in your book, WHY are you describing it as such a painful experience??? Like, when I'M reading this, I'm not like "aww, it's their first time and they're finally doing it because they love each other and it's so sweet", no, I'm GENUINELY uncomfortable reading it. This isn't cute or romantic AT ALL, it just makes everyone uncomfortable, including the characters actually DOING the deed. But with that, I do have to make an apology to part of my review from the first book, because the author actually didn't do what I thought she did. However, it's only a slight apology, because Finn and Autumn are horny IDIOTS. YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX THREE TIMES, OF COURSE SHE'S GONNA GET PREGNANT. And I did NOT need an extended version of the entire night and day they spent together WHILE Finn is cheating on Sylvie. It's not cute or romantic at all, they're just BONING each other most of the time. It's not fun to read.

Furthermore, I understand that the author initially began writing Finn's POV with the first book, but you'd figure after *checks notes* ELEVEN YEARS (not an exaggeration), that she'd go back through and tweak some of the stupid writing that was in the first draft of the book. You'd figure her writing style would've evolved, would've improved. But NOPE (at least in the first part of the book). We have the same stupid dialogue and zero chemistry as the first book. If you're gonna write a love story, WRITE A LOVE STORY THAT'S CUTE. And I know this isn't really a LOVE story, it's a tragedy, but it would've been WAY more emotional and impactful to see these two

split apart

IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY A GOOD COUPLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. But in reality, they're just weird and horny teenagers who have no chemistry with each other at all. I will pardon SOME of their actions, because they're teenagers who make stupid decisions, but Sylvie was done DIRTY. Finn had the PERFECT opportunity to break things off with her because he was still in love with Autumn, but in the moment where Sylvie asked him to be truthful, he LIED to her. She deserves so much better than what she got.

What I was surprised about is that she was ALIVE. They never really address her fate after the car wreck in the first book, so I just assumed she was dead, but nope, she's still walking around.

Honestly...that's really all the gripes I have with this book, just the first part. The dialogue was clunky and the characters were sucky, and I really don't like a lot of other things, but this book was better than the first one and was actually really thought-provoking and emotional. While it wasn't the best thing I've ever read, it wasn't terrible. It was actually alright.

Content Warnings