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seanbennett 's review for:
How to Not Die Alone contains a lot of dating and relationship advice that, though much of it feels like common sense, is still surprisingly useful compiled and presented in a fairly compelling collection. Ury weaves a few composite narratives drawn from those she's coached and sets them alongside findings from psychological studies* to expose recurring problems and how the reader might overcome them.
Communication, empathy, and self-reflection are at the core of the recommendations and the author makes a point to push back on unhealthy patterns of thinking and behavior the reader might have absorbed through bad role models or pop culture. The idea of a "spark", in particular, as informing long-term success is rightly and admirably rejected with vehemence.
One interesting callout that challenged my priors was the risk of moving in together prior to a marriage-level commitment (or at least a clear intent to pursue one). While I've typically thought of this as a useful validation of compatibility, Ury persuasively argues that it can instead introduce a status quo bias that actually makes it harder to identify and reconcile serious issues.
My chief pain point, though, is that so much of the advice comes with the frame of a single person whose primary obstacle is indecision over which date to proceed with, rather than the foundational trouble of simply getting a date in the first place with any sort of regularity. Though the first chapter does offer solid recommendations for that initial hurdle, the rest of the first half of the book proceeds to violently twist the knife by inadvertently presenting that bar as a casually low one to clear. The takeaways remain wholly valid, but the presentation can be a tad deflating.
• on the one hand, each case presented sounds far too much like "just so" pop science that I typically distrust and despise, but, on the other, they're used to make a case for behavior and patterns of thinking which are benign at worst and actively healthy at best
Communication, empathy, and self-reflection are at the core of the recommendations and the author makes a point to push back on unhealthy patterns of thinking and behavior the reader might have absorbed through bad role models or pop culture. The idea of a "spark", in particular, as informing long-term success is rightly and admirably rejected with vehemence.
One interesting callout that challenged my priors was the risk of moving in together prior to a marriage-level commitment (or at least a clear intent to pursue one). While I've typically thought of this as a useful validation of compatibility, Ury persuasively argues that it can instead introduce a status quo bias that actually makes it harder to identify and reconcile serious issues.
My chief pain point, though, is that so much of the advice comes with the frame of a single person whose primary obstacle is indecision over which date to proceed with, rather than the foundational trouble of simply getting a date in the first place with any sort of regularity. Though the first chapter does offer solid recommendations for that initial hurdle, the rest of the first half of the book proceeds to violently twist the knife by inadvertently presenting that bar as a casually low one to clear. The takeaways remain wholly valid, but the presentation can be a tad deflating.
• on the one hand, each case presented sounds far too much like "just so" pop science that I typically distrust and despise, but, on the other, they're used to make a case for behavior and patterns of thinking which are benign at worst and actively healthy at best