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darthval 's review for:
The American Heiress
by Daisy Goodwin
Hmm, another one of the books where there characters are unlikeable and by the end you just want everyone to get punched in the face. Someone does, deservedly, but not nearly enough punching.
The main characters are a whiny, self-important heiress, a douchebag Duke, a thieving maid, and her horny beau. Oh, and a bunch of other @ssholes.
It might be easier for me to save you the time, here is the book in short:
Cora: Oh, dear me. I have more money and beaus than I can handle, but I am bored and want Teddy since Mummy will not approve.
Mummy: Cora you must marry a European with a title to legitimize my wealthy status.
Teddy: Cora, I want you but I want to be an artist more.
**Mummy goes up in flames. Fast forward several months.**
Mummy: Dear Cora, aren't you glad we are in Europe. Look at all of these cash poor titled men in need of a wife.
Cora: (feeling guilty about the kisses and flames) Yes, Mummy. Let me join the hunt.
**Thwack! Oh, how did that tree get there in the middle of the forest?**
Ivo: What ho! What a rich and gorgeous American girl here in the woods. You must recover at my dilapidated estate.
Cora: Wha? Oh, are you a penniless Duke? My mom wants me to marry one. Why am I so woozy?
Mummy: Oh, my dear, a DUKE found you. Rest, rest. Make sure you give the Duke plenty of time to fall in love.
Ivo: Now, that you are recovered, let me grab you and paw at you to convince you of my love and devotion.
Cora: Swoon. I just want you to be happy.
Ivo: Marry me!
Cora: Yes!
**Back in America**
Cora: Why is Ivo being so cold?
Ivo: She is a rich, vain, girl. Screw making her happy, let's go hunting!
Everyone: Where is Ivo?
Cora: I must hide my despair under a smile. I am sure everything is all right. He is just being British.
Teddy: Cora, are you sure you are happy. Hint. Hint. (Aside: I should not have left her. I love her. Surely she wants me.)
Ivo: I'm back. I've been an ass, but you are spoiled. Let's just move on and get married shall we?
Cora: (Swoon) Yes, Ivo!
**Back in Brittain**
Double Duchess: You are a terrible worthless American, my dear. Let me pretend to offer advice while undermining you.
Servants: We hate our new American Duchess. Let's treat her like crap.
Ivo: Cora, why can't you be more British?
Cora: Let me spend money to remodel your home.
Ivo: You just don't get it. You can't buy everything.
Cora: I know, I will buy you a new painting since you miss your old one. Maybe that will cheer you up.
Ivo: You silly American. You just aren't British.
Cora: I'm preggers.
Ivo: Okay, you are passable.
Cora: Let's go to London. Surely, I can impress you there.
**In London**
Charlotte: Mwuhaha. I will take advantage of your naivete and befriend you to sabotage your marriage and maybe get back into bed with your hubby.
Cora: Oh thank you, Charlotte. That is so dear.
Charlotte: No problem. Why don't you go have your portrait done by someone who will surely seduce you.
Painter: Let me kiss you.
Cora: I am not sure that is proper, but I guess it can't hurt for me to continue. Oh, I know, let's have a party for my husband. I am sure he will love a painting of me looking like a whore.
Ivo: How could you. You are SO not British. I am leaving for India and will be back for the baby.
Cora: Sniff. Okay. I will hide in your moldy old estate and hope pine for your return. Oh, and swim nude in the ocean. I know it is not appropriate and everyone hates me. Surely there is no harm in it.
**Months later**
Double Duchess: I am here to rub it in your face that the servants love me, not you. Also, I know your husband is back and you don't. Nanner nanner.
Servants: We hate you. Let's undermine you at every turn. Feeling uncertain yet? Good. Mwuhaha.
Cora: Oof. Baby's coming. Where is Ivo?
Doctor: Shush and take more drugs.
Cora: Oh, what a lovely baby boy, snooze.
Ivo: What ho! Nice baby. Let me crawl into bed like I've not been gone and like I came straight back to you.
Cora: (Swoon) Oh Ivo. I know, let's name all of our past loves as god parents and plan a Christening party that is sure to end in disaster.
Ivo: You are so American. Why can't you be more British. Fine.
**Christening Party**
Charlotte's husband: (In front of everyone) You, my wife are a slut. Oh, dear Cora, how do you feel about our spouses doing the dirty behind our backs. Jolly good fun making a scene.
Teddy: (Punches Charlotte's husband) Cora, I still love you. Come away with me.
Cora: I'm so confused.
Ivo: You are still so not British. What is your problem. But I want you.
Cora: (Swoon) Okay.
Ivo: (Next day) Oh, hey, let me come late to your luncheon with Charlotte on my arm. It is totally innocent.
Charlotte: Oh Cora, Ivo loves ME. You silly girl. You are just money and a baby. See, he bought me a necklace just like yours. Mwuhaha.
Cora: I LOVE him. I am so sad.
Teddy: Run away with me, Cora.
Cora: Okay, I will finally stick up for myself. Meet me at the train station tomorrow.
Ivo: Oh Cora, I cannot live without you. I know you think I've been an ass, but really, it's just that I'm British, you see. Here listen to my sob story. I have not slept with Charlotte since I met you, so you see, I love you. Please stay.
Cora: (Swoon) Oh, Ivo. I get it now. Your are a total ass because you are BRITISH.
Teddy: Oh despair, I've lost her.
Charlotte: Just you wait.
Teddy: Huh?
Ivo & Cora: We are so happy. (Swoon)
Moral of the story: If your man is a self-absorbed ass hat, it might just be that he is British. If you are American, you need to accept that you will never be good enough and love him anyway.
If that sounds awesome to you, then you should hurry out and get this book.
The main characters are a whiny, self-important heiress, a douchebag Duke, a thieving maid, and her horny beau. Oh, and a bunch of other @ssholes.
It might be easier for me to save you the time, here is the book in short:
Spoiler
Cora: Oh, dear me. I have more money and beaus than I can handle, but I am bored and want Teddy since Mummy will not approve.
Mummy: Cora you must marry a European with a title to legitimize my wealthy status.
Teddy: Cora, I want you but I want to be an artist more.
**Mummy goes up in flames. Fast forward several months.**
Mummy: Dear Cora, aren't you glad we are in Europe. Look at all of these cash poor titled men in need of a wife.
Cora: (feeling guilty about the kisses and flames) Yes, Mummy. Let me join the hunt.
**Thwack! Oh, how did that tree get there in the middle of the forest?**
Ivo: What ho! What a rich and gorgeous American girl here in the woods. You must recover at my dilapidated estate.
Cora: Wha? Oh, are you a penniless Duke? My mom wants me to marry one. Why am I so woozy?
Mummy: Oh, my dear, a DUKE found you. Rest, rest. Make sure you give the Duke plenty of time to fall in love.
Ivo: Now, that you are recovered, let me grab you and paw at you to convince you of my love and devotion.
Cora: Swoon. I just want you to be happy.
Ivo: Marry me!
Cora: Yes!
**Back in America**
Cora: Why is Ivo being so cold?
Ivo: She is a rich, vain, girl. Screw making her happy, let's go hunting!
Everyone: Where is Ivo?
Cora: I must hide my despair under a smile. I am sure everything is all right. He is just being British.
Teddy: Cora, are you sure you are happy. Hint. Hint. (Aside: I should not have left her. I love her. Surely she wants me.)
Ivo: I'm back. I've been an ass, but you are spoiled. Let's just move on and get married shall we?
Cora: (Swoon) Yes, Ivo!
**Back in Brittain**
Double Duchess: You are a terrible worthless American, my dear. Let me pretend to offer advice while undermining you.
Servants: We hate our new American Duchess. Let's treat her like crap.
Ivo: Cora, why can't you be more British?
Cora: Let me spend money to remodel your home.
Ivo: You just don't get it. You can't buy everything.
Cora: I know, I will buy you a new painting since you miss your old one. Maybe that will cheer you up.
Ivo: You silly American. You just aren't British.
Cora: I'm preggers.
Ivo: Okay, you are passable.
Cora: Let's go to London. Surely, I can impress you there.
**In London**
Charlotte: Mwuhaha. I will take advantage of your naivete and befriend you to sabotage your marriage and maybe get back into bed with your hubby.
Cora: Oh thank you, Charlotte. That is so dear.
Charlotte: No problem. Why don't you go have your portrait done by someone who will surely seduce you.
Painter: Let me kiss you.
Cora: I am not sure that is proper, but I guess it can't hurt for me to continue. Oh, I know, let's have a party for my husband. I am sure he will love a painting of me looking like a whore.
Ivo: How could you. You are SO not British. I am leaving for India and will be back for the baby.
Cora: Sniff. Okay. I will hide in your moldy old estate and hope pine for your return. Oh, and swim nude in the ocean. I know it is not appropriate and everyone hates me. Surely there is no harm in it.
**Months later**
Double Duchess: I am here to rub it in your face that the servants love me, not you. Also, I know your husband is back and you don't. Nanner nanner.
Servants: We hate you. Let's undermine you at every turn. Feeling uncertain yet? Good. Mwuhaha.
Cora: Oof. Baby's coming. Where is Ivo?
Doctor: Shush and take more drugs.
Cora: Oh, what a lovely baby boy, snooze.
Ivo: What ho! Nice baby. Let me crawl into bed like I've not been gone and like I came straight back to you.
Cora: (Swoon) Oh Ivo. I know, let's name all of our past loves as god parents and plan a Christening party that is sure to end in disaster.
Ivo: You are so American. Why can't you be more British. Fine.
**Christening Party**
Charlotte's husband: (In front of everyone) You, my wife are a slut. Oh, dear Cora, how do you feel about our spouses doing the dirty behind our backs. Jolly good fun making a scene.
Teddy: (Punches Charlotte's husband) Cora, I still love you. Come away with me.
Cora: I'm so confused.
Ivo: You are still so not British. What is your problem. But I want you.
Cora: (Swoon) Okay.
Ivo: (Next day) Oh, hey, let me come late to your luncheon with Charlotte on my arm. It is totally innocent.
Charlotte: Oh Cora, Ivo loves ME. You silly girl. You are just money and a baby. See, he bought me a necklace just like yours. Mwuhaha.
Cora: I LOVE him. I am so sad.
Teddy: Run away with me, Cora.
Cora: Okay, I will finally stick up for myself. Meet me at the train station tomorrow.
Ivo: Oh Cora, I cannot live without you. I know you think I've been an ass, but really, it's just that I'm British, you see. Here listen to my sob story. I have not slept with Charlotte since I met you, so you see, I love you. Please stay.
Cora: (Swoon) Oh, Ivo. I get it now. Your are a total ass because you are BRITISH.
Teddy: Oh despair, I've lost her.
Charlotte: Just you wait.
Teddy: Huh?
Ivo & Cora: We are so happy. (Swoon)
Moral of the story: If your man is a self-absorbed ass hat, it might just be that he is British. If you are American, you need to accept that you will never be good enough and love him anyway.
If that sounds awesome to you, then you should hurry out and get this book.