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A review by lkbookcorner
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
5.0
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I picked this up from my local bookstore last month after being an admirer of Esther Perel and her podcast, Where Should We Begin? After my six-year relationship ended in January, I was looking for answers: why do relationships end, why can the end seem both sudden and a long time in the making, and how do we heal and move forward, separately or together?
This book answered those questions as best as I can answer them for myself in this moment. Yes, it focuses on infidelity, especially extramarital affairs. But it is about so, so much more and incredibly instructive even if infidelity isn't a part of the narrative.
I didn't realize how much I expected my relationship to deliver to me until I read this book. It helped me understand tensions I hadn't before been able to name: the simultaneous desire for security and freedom, comfort and excitement, reliability and independence. We expect our partners up to give us everything in our modern relationships; those extraordinary high expectations are ultimately driving us apart and leaving few satisfied.
No relationship is affair-proof, writes Esther, and even those who think theirs is may one day find that the allure of the forbidden and other comes knocking at the white picket fence gate...or urban loft door. The key is to be an explorer in one's own relationship, to discuss with some frequency your shared definition of monogamy and eros, and to view the relationship journey as fluid and open for revision while valuing the stability derived from trust, open communication, and vulnerability.
I saw so much of myself, my former partner, and my relationship in the vignettes in this book. That experience alone made me feel validated, reminded me how grateful I am to have experienced such a positively formative and loving relationship, and is helping me heal and better define my needs as I look to the future.
Rating: 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Read if: you want to stretch your views on commitment and monogamy, communicate better with a partner, preserve or regenerate eros in your relationship, wonder why people cheat, question your own fidelity.
I picked this up from my local bookstore last month after being an admirer of Esther Perel and her podcast, Where Should We Begin? After my six-year relationship ended in January, I was looking for answers: why do relationships end, why can the end seem both sudden and a long time in the making, and how do we heal and move forward, separately or together?
This book answered those questions as best as I can answer them for myself in this moment. Yes, it focuses on infidelity, especially extramarital affairs. But it is about so, so much more and incredibly instructive even if infidelity isn't a part of the narrative.
I didn't realize how much I expected my relationship to deliver to me until I read this book. It helped me understand tensions I hadn't before been able to name: the simultaneous desire for security and freedom, comfort and excitement, reliability and independence. We expect our partners up to give us everything in our modern relationships; those extraordinary high expectations are ultimately driving us apart and leaving few satisfied.
No relationship is affair-proof, writes Esther, and even those who think theirs is may one day find that the allure of the forbidden and other comes knocking at the white picket fence gate...or urban loft door. The key is to be an explorer in one's own relationship, to discuss with some frequency your shared definition of monogamy and eros, and to view the relationship journey as fluid and open for revision while valuing the stability derived from trust, open communication, and vulnerability.
I saw so much of myself, my former partner, and my relationship in the vignettes in this book. That experience alone made me feel validated, reminded me how grateful I am to have experienced such a positively formative and loving relationship, and is helping me heal and better define my needs as I look to the future.
Rating: 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Read if: you want to stretch your views on commitment and monogamy, communicate better with a partner, preserve or regenerate eros in your relationship, wonder why people cheat, question your own fidelity.