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almondcookies 's review for:
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
by Amy Chua
I wanted to dnf a third of the way in, but decided to give Chua the benefit of the doubt and push through till the end, waiting for some self realisation or character growth. Well, I definitely got some character growth from her daughter and some minor realisations from Chua, but even then she doesn't internalise them and really learn from them.
Chua pushes her daughters to extreme extents, constantly cites 'chinese parenting' is the best because it will result in a successful child, but never questions what the parameters for success are. She doesn't even realise that those parameters can differ from person to person. Chua herself is a person who blindly follows without questioning, and this is an example of that. To blindly follow 'Chinese tradition' without really questioning why things are done a certain way is insane and incredibly short sighted considering she is a highly driven law professor herself.
Chua does not seem to realise that children learn not just from the things they do, but the things they see. Her children are highly skilled, it's true, but she has also taught them, through method of demonstrating, how to lie, degrade and emotionally manipulate others.
Whilst we're on this topic - she has also demonstrated some terrible traits to her daughters, which hopefully they have not picked up too. For example, not being able to accept or apologise when wrong; lack of flexibility; hypocrisy; excessive control over others; the ends always justifies the means (may I remind you this is also Hitler's train of thought) amongst many, many others.
I do agree that teaching children grit and perseverance is very important, but by pushing them with negative reinforcement is terrible parenting. Calling her children 'garbage', 'disgusting' and a 'disgrace' - does she realise her children may genuinely see themselves this way? She mocks ‘Western parents’ for saying children will end up with low self-esteem afterwards, and that she, herself never ended up with low self-esteem despite her parents raising her in this way. However, everyone is different (and by her own admission, she refuses to accept, let alone, believe this. Once again mocking her husband and fellow ‘western parents’ for bringing this up) and that is one outcome for children put under such extreme degradation.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, when children are only praised when they can achieve something, they start to equate their self worth with their achievements and accomplishments, and don't see themselves worthy just by being who they are. According to Chua, Chinese parenting is a virtuous circle following the following steps:
1. Push the child extremely hard to achieve (via whatever means necessary)
2. The child achieves and garners praise for their achievements
3. The child is motivated to practice harder so they can achieve more and get more achievements.
This is literally the point I made above. The child only practices because they want to garner praise. Why do they crave praise? Because they do not feel they’re worthy of it without having achieved something. Their self worth is now attached to the things they can do, and not who they are as a person. I sincerely hope Chua's husband has equalised this because if not, her daughters would have ended up really messed up.
Another thing that was extremely worrying for me throughout the entire book was Chua did not have a back up for if the Chinese parenting approach fails. When it actually does, I wanted to throw my hands up and shout to the stars, “I TOLD YOU.” What an extremely high risk situation you’ve put yourself in, Chua. I don’t think you’ve leveraged your risk properly.
Even until the very end, when her daughter, Lulu, ‘breaks free’ and decides to pursue tennis because it’s something her mother doesn’t have any control over, Chua cannot accept that it’s something Lulu wants to do for fun, and not for the sake of achievement. Chua still tries to sneak in ways to give ‘constructive criticism’ to Lulu, that even though may be accurate and helpful, is completely unwanted. If this is something Lulu wants to do by herself, what is the harm in letting her try and fail herself? Chua admits herself that she does not know how to have fun, but that does not make it acceptable to rob it from someone else.
This book was so infuriating, I could go on for another thousand words and still not be done.
Chua pushes her daughters to extreme extents, constantly cites 'chinese parenting' is the best because it will result in a successful child, but never questions what the parameters for success are. She doesn't even realise that those parameters can differ from person to person. Chua herself is a person who blindly follows without questioning, and this is an example of that. To blindly follow 'Chinese tradition' without really questioning why things are done a certain way is insane and incredibly short sighted considering she is a highly driven law professor herself.
Chua does not seem to realise that children learn not just from the things they do, but the things they see. Her children are highly skilled, it's true, but she has also taught them, through method of demonstrating, how to lie, degrade and emotionally manipulate others.
Whilst we're on this topic - she has also demonstrated some terrible traits to her daughters, which hopefully they have not picked up too. For example, not being able to accept or apologise when wrong; lack of flexibility; hypocrisy; excessive control over others; the ends always justifies the means (may I remind you this is also Hitler's train of thought) amongst many, many others.
I do agree that teaching children grit and perseverance is very important, but by pushing them with negative reinforcement is terrible parenting. Calling her children 'garbage', 'disgusting' and a 'disgrace' - does she realise her children may genuinely see themselves this way? She mocks ‘Western parents’ for saying children will end up with low self-esteem afterwards, and that she, herself never ended up with low self-esteem despite her parents raising her in this way. However, everyone is different (and by her own admission, she refuses to accept, let alone, believe this. Once again mocking her husband and fellow ‘western parents’ for bringing this up) and that is one outcome for children put under such extreme degradation.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, when children are only praised when they can achieve something, they start to equate their self worth with their achievements and accomplishments, and don't see themselves worthy just by being who they are. According to Chua, Chinese parenting is a virtuous circle following the following steps:
1. Push the child extremely hard to achieve (via whatever means necessary)
2. The child achieves and garners praise for their achievements
3. The child is motivated to practice harder so they can achieve more and get more achievements.
This is literally the point I made above. The child only practices because they want to garner praise. Why do they crave praise? Because they do not feel they’re worthy of it without having achieved something. Their self worth is now attached to the things they can do, and not who they are as a person. I sincerely hope Chua's husband has equalised this because if not, her daughters would have ended up really messed up.
Another thing that was extremely worrying for me throughout the entire book was Chua did not have a back up for if the Chinese parenting approach fails. When it actually does, I wanted to throw my hands up and shout to the stars, “I TOLD YOU.” What an extremely high risk situation you’ve put yourself in, Chua. I don’t think you’ve leveraged your risk properly.
Even until the very end, when her daughter, Lulu, ‘breaks free’ and decides to pursue tennis because it’s something her mother doesn’t have any control over, Chua cannot accept that it’s something Lulu wants to do for fun, and not for the sake of achievement. Chua still tries to sneak in ways to give ‘constructive criticism’ to Lulu, that even though may be accurate and helpful, is completely unwanted. If this is something Lulu wants to do by herself, what is the harm in letting her try and fail herself? Chua admits herself that she does not know how to have fun, but that does not make it acceptable to rob it from someone else.
This book was so infuriating, I could go on for another thousand words and still not be done.