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islewild 's review for:
This is a must read for anyone who is in a committed, monogamous relationship. I also recommend it for people who are single.
If you are among my many friends who are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, stick around until the end for some notes specifically for you.
This book did a lot for me. It gave me a new lens through which to view myself, my marriage, and all of my human relationships. It also helps me see the behavior of others, both in their marriages and otherwise, in a new light and approach my view of others in a more compassionate and understanding way. It gave me a greater depth of appreciation for the goodness that already exists in my marriage and in my chosen partner, while at the same time showing me with clarity the areas where I can improve it. I've never felt such a keen understanding of our potential as a couple.
Yes, this book addresses sex and intimacy in committed relationships, but it's really about marriage in the truest sense. Schnarch teaches with humor about what is often a heavy and difficult topic -- real intimacy. He asserts that it is our separateness that draws us together, that holding onto ourselves is what allows us to really be intimate with another person, emotionally and sexually (I think the book really illustrates how emotional intimacy can occur outside of sexual relationships, but real sexual intimacy is inextricably connected with emotional intimacy).
I did not go into this book in a rocky marriage on the verge of divorce, rather from a position of feeling generally pretty good about my marriage, but wanting more for it, so I cannot tell you this book will save your marriage, but I could see that as a realistic outcome for some people. That being said, reading this book did result in the desired improvement in my marriage because it resulted in some big improvements in myself! The reason I recommend this for singles also is because it is about improving your marriage by improving YOU. Your partner doesn't need to read this for it to “work”! You can single handedly improve your relationships -- present or future -- by doing what he refers to as differentiation or “holding onto yourself.” I can honestly say I'm a better, happier person for having read this book.
One last note -- this book is pretty accessible, but it's a rather weighty read. If you're not very used to reading academic language, there are some sections that might bog you down. His first and last chapters require some wading, but they are both worth it, in my opinion, and all the other chapters are pretty compelling and easy to get through.
Notes for LDS friends:
I came across this book as a recommendation from Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (a well know LDS sex therapist) in a podcast I listened to. It has some graphic, but clinical descriptions of sexual encounters between married people. If that idea makes you uncomfortable, it probably wouldn't hurt to listen to some of the Rational Faiths podcasts entitled Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist before picking this up, and I very highly recommend that you do both of those things. Sexual repression is a thing, even for married, sexually active adults. Dr. Fife does an amazing job of parsing the cultural from the religious views about sex in the Church.
While the author of this book is not LDS, reading it has brought my attention to the fact that our theology is rife with examples of this idea of differentiation -- holding onto yourself while being interdependent with someone else. Our theology is strongly supportive of this author's message and reading it has prompted personal and spiritual growth and an increase in testimony for myself. Basically this is a social-science view on how to develop yourself into a more loving human being. From a secular angle, this guy has figured out one of the keys to a celestial marriage.
If you are among my many friends who are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, stick around until the end for some notes specifically for you.
This book did a lot for me. It gave me a new lens through which to view myself, my marriage, and all of my human relationships. It also helps me see the behavior of others, both in their marriages and otherwise, in a new light and approach my view of others in a more compassionate and understanding way. It gave me a greater depth of appreciation for the goodness that already exists in my marriage and in my chosen partner, while at the same time showing me with clarity the areas where I can improve it. I've never felt such a keen understanding of our potential as a couple.
Yes, this book addresses sex and intimacy in committed relationships, but it's really about marriage in the truest sense. Schnarch teaches with humor about what is often a heavy and difficult topic -- real intimacy. He asserts that it is our separateness that draws us together, that holding onto ourselves is what allows us to really be intimate with another person, emotionally and sexually (I think the book really illustrates how emotional intimacy can occur outside of sexual relationships, but real sexual intimacy is inextricably connected with emotional intimacy).
I did not go into this book in a rocky marriage on the verge of divorce, rather from a position of feeling generally pretty good about my marriage, but wanting more for it, so I cannot tell you this book will save your marriage, but I could see that as a realistic outcome for some people. That being said, reading this book did result in the desired improvement in my marriage because it resulted in some big improvements in myself! The reason I recommend this for singles also is because it is about improving your marriage by improving YOU. Your partner doesn't need to read this for it to “work”! You can single handedly improve your relationships -- present or future -- by doing what he refers to as differentiation or “holding onto yourself.” I can honestly say I'm a better, happier person for having read this book.
One last note -- this book is pretty accessible, but it's a rather weighty read. If you're not very used to reading academic language, there are some sections that might bog you down. His first and last chapters require some wading, but they are both worth it, in my opinion, and all the other chapters are pretty compelling and easy to get through.
Notes for LDS friends:
I came across this book as a recommendation from Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (a well know LDS sex therapist) in a podcast I listened to. It has some graphic, but clinical descriptions of sexual encounters between married people. If that idea makes you uncomfortable, it probably wouldn't hurt to listen to some of the Rational Faiths podcasts entitled Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist before picking this up, and I very highly recommend that you do both of those things. Sexual repression is a thing, even for married, sexually active adults. Dr. Fife does an amazing job of parsing the cultural from the religious views about sex in the Church.
While the author of this book is not LDS, reading it has brought my attention to the fact that our theology is rife with examples of this idea of differentiation -- holding onto yourself while being interdependent with someone else. Our theology is strongly supportive of this author's message and reading it has prompted personal and spiritual growth and an increase in testimony for myself. Basically this is a social-science view on how to develop yourself into a more loving human being. From a secular angle, this guy has figured out one of the keys to a celestial marriage.