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A review by katharina90
It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn
reflective
medium-paced
2.5
This is a pseudoscience book that's best consumed with a healthy dose of critical thinking. Take what serves, leave the rest.
Some bits resonated and rang true for me. At other times I found the conclusions far-fetched or too simplistic, and the suggestions unhelpful.
While I believe in inherited family trauma, the ways in which trauma has been carried down in my family doesn't line up neatly with what's described in this book.
The author pushes repeatedly for a repair of strained/broken child-parent relationships which I don't think is always possible or helpful. It may even result in further harm if the parent isn't able or willing to address their own trauma and be accountable for the harm they themselves have caused.
However, if we interpret healing as finding peace and acceptance independent of our interpersonal relationship with our parent, I think there is a lot of value to be found.
Interrupting the cycle of trauma by healing yourself, accepting your parents' limitations, and adjusting your expectations and boundaries accordingly seems like a healthy path forward.
A guiding question that stood out to me in that context is:
"Can you stay open in your body when you think of them?"
Another takeaway was to use lessons learned to help break the cycle: "Can you receive something good from what they gave you?" A parent's cruelty could become the reason for your kindess.
Some bits resonated and rang true for me. At other times I found the conclusions far-fetched or too simplistic, and the suggestions unhelpful.
While I believe in inherited family trauma, the ways in which trauma has been carried down in my family doesn't line up neatly with what's described in this book.
The author pushes repeatedly for a repair of strained/broken child-parent relationships which I don't think is always possible or helpful. It may even result in further harm if the parent isn't able or willing to address their own trauma and be accountable for the harm they themselves have caused.
However, if we interpret healing as finding peace and acceptance independent of our interpersonal relationship with our parent, I think there is a lot of value to be found.
Interrupting the cycle of trauma by healing yourself, accepting your parents' limitations, and adjusting your expectations and boundaries accordingly seems like a healthy path forward.
A guiding question that stood out to me in that context is:
"Can you stay open in your body when you think of them?"
Another takeaway was to use lessons learned to help break the cycle: "Can you receive something good from what they gave you?" A parent's cruelty could become the reason for your kindess.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Death, Genocide, Mental illness, Child death, and Suicidal thoughts