A review by poorlywordedbookreviews
Hold On to Your Kids by Gabor Maté, Gordon Neufeld

informative slow-paced

3.0

Right, where to start with a book I loved and hated in equal parts? I definitely would have DNF’D early on if @bookcaseofbarnes hadn’t recommended - this book has some important things to say about ‘attachment parenting’ as your child moves on from infanthood (the stage where I feel these theories are more well known), and I found the concept of peer attachment a valid and useful way to look at the issues arising in the modern world for parents. But fuck me does it cloak it in warped nostalgia for a parenting past it poorly defines, and contradicts as the book goes on. There’s also I deep vein of cultural conservatism that leads to selective evidence /lack of nuance on many points. It felt at times not like a text from academics but a media think piece, with its scare tactic use of extreme examples, and vagary re what age of child they were taking about - 0-18 (or 25) is a very wide spectrum. 

   

To be fair to the authors, this might all be an issue of the book being North American and largely from the 90s. Plus, given some of jarring between what’s said re many issues I do wonder if this was written with a certain audience in mind  and not in the authors completely authentic voice. 

Overall, I’m miffed that when it was updated to reflect modern technology someone didn’t come in and edit it the fuck back to the key messages: it’s normal and healthy for children to be closest to family, not friends, what they really need isn’t discipline (in the most commonly used interpretation) but a rounded secure relationship with a few key mature caregiving adults, examples of how relationships can deteriorate and how to try and prevent/rebuild, how you can end up accidentally outsourcing your parenting to peers with all the goodwill in the world, and why it can be so disastrous. 

   

If you can see the woods for the trees this is a brilliant book for promoting reflection on how you parent / encouragement to keep getting back on the horse of attachment led parenting with growing kids. It’s about understanding some socio-biological principles and fitting them to your family, not a hard set of rules. 

(My last criticism needs caveats, as it may not be true if the book, but the audio does not demonstrate referenced evidence for a lot of what it says.)