solsina206 's review for:

The Survivor Wants To Die At The End by Adam Silvera
1.5
fast-paced
TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Mental Health

This is going to be a long review.

I rarely rate books less than 3 stars but this made me angry.

Fuck this book. It was so bad. I can't deal with this shit.

The story: You have two boys, Paz and Alano. Paz is a character that we meet in the prequel and he is traumatized by the events at the end of that book. (TSWTDATE is set 10 years after TFTDATE). Alano is none other than the son of the man who created Death cast, so he has a lot of pressure on his shoulders but he wants his independence. Even if he grew up rich and privileged, he still has his mental health issues. The story starts when one of them wants to kill themselves on the top of the Hollywood sign and the other saves him.

I want to start by saying that I love Adam Silvera’s books, especially in this universe. I have loved TBDATE and TFTDATE. I've liked More Happy than Not. I will admit I wasn't the biggest fan of history is all you left me, but in general, I have loved and admired this author's work for so long. This book is a big, big disappointment.

First of all, let's talk about the good points of the book: The world. I think the world is still  very good. This book obviously expands on death-cast and on everything surrounding the company itself because we get the point of view of the son of said company. I also think the themes that are there are interesting to think about in this world because well, this book deals a lot with suicide and self-harm and borderline personality disorder, which are very interesting to dissect in a world where you know when your suicide attempt is not going to work so why bother? At the same time self-harm is also impacted.

The last 200-ish pages were actually pretty good I'm not going to lie.  The dinner with everyone, I knew that  shit was about to go down and it did! And so this was pretty good. It got me staying up until like 4 a.m. And I liked the final chapter. I like the final line, that kind of explains what happened THAT day. Clearly the book is going to have a continuation. The chapter from Joaquin’s point of view, like halfway is through the book, was pretty good because I think it's the one chapter that brings a little bit of nuance to the story. It's the one chapter when you're in the point of view of someone who is clearly morally reprehensible but still struggling with himself and with others and with the world. I thought it was pretty interesting to expand on his personality and his thoughts. The conversation Joaquin and Alano have together in this chapter is really good and it brings some much needed nuance in a book that otherwise is way too simplistic. That’s  when I have to get into the bad points of the book.

There is zero nuance in here. It's very much framing the narrative as “what you should do” and “what is not good to do” It's never about characters who just are, who just exist, and I did not like that aspect of the book at all because it makes the characters mouth pieces instead of real people.

 Another point that I hated: the book is way too long, okay? It’s very easy to read however, it's still way too long. The first 200 pages are useless. They are supposed to give some  background on the main characters but even if things happened in those 200 pages the events just get repeated by the narrators eventually. The boys meet at page 200… PAGE 200 That is WAY too long and those 200 pages that are to set up the characters set up their friendships, their family dynamics, their doubts, their fears, etc.  are so useless because anyways, when the two guys meet, they have to learn about each other and so all the information that we've seen in the 200 fucking pages, just get repeated over and over and over again. The book should have started the moment the two of them meet.

The references in this book made me cringe so fucking hard. There are references to COVID, which, um, this was painful. There are references to TikTok, Insta, Twitter. But the references to the other books are, in my opinion, the worst part of the book. Especially in the first 200 pages because it's so heavy handed. It's so blatant and and shameless, no subtlety whatsoever. And the worst thing is, those references are made in the first 200 pages, but like I said, those first pages could have been cut off because anyways, they get references later on in a much better way. So I'm just thinking, why did you put me through so much pain making me read those first 200 boring pages and then you just repeated in a way that's much more natural. It's still bad, but at least it's more natural. It just felt like a bunch of name dropping. For example, what the fuck are Mateo and Rufus doing there? Valentino and Orion, I can understand because their story kind of impacts one character at the very least. But Rufus and Mateo, what the fuck are they doing here? They're just two randos from New York. Why are they a referenced so fucking much? I understand that  the author wanted to give a little bit of Easter eggs for the people who have read the first two books, but honestly, it was not necessary.

It really made me question if this book was edited. It should be since he mentions his editor in the acknowledgement, Alexandra something. Girly?? What the fuck did you do? Were you sleeping when you were editing this book? There are paragraphs that could have been entirely cut out. Why did we need to know every small titbit of information? Did I really need to know every employee at Death cast? Half of these people, we never see again and yet we know them by name. Why? WHYYYY?

It doesn't help that the book is also poorly written. it's so bad that it made me question if I even enjoyed the first two books. It made me question my love for this story. Has it always been this poorly written? There are lines that made me cringe so fucking hard. The “flirting”? ouch

Another aspect of the book that I did not like is the relationship between the characters. This book is PAZ’S book not PAZ and ALANO. Alano’s story takes a major backseat. We are focused on Paz so don't expect to read equally between Paz and Alano because it's really just about Paz. Reading the acknowledgements and the author's note, I think the author related a lot to Paz. I think he wrote this book in a headspace where he felt like Paz, which is sad because the character struggles with mental health and suicide so I hope the author is in a better place. I also think that 700 pages mainly focused on one character is very hard to get through and way too much. I kept wanting to know more about Alano. His story gets hinted at so fucking much in this book, but it's not explored until the very, very very end. Let's say the last 50 pages are focused on Alano and the rest of the book is very much Paz’s story with sprinkles of Alano. I think the author wanted to do this because he knew he was going to write another book with them. But 700 pages about Paz was way too much with a narrative way too shallow to sustain them.

Do not read this book if the themes of suicide self harm or mental health are triggering to you because they’re at the heart of the book. Every other line mentions self-harm, suicide or death of some kind. And the characters struggle a lot with that especially Paz. So, the message against suicide is very clear. Maybe a little TOO clear where the is very little flexibility. The cycle of self- hatred gets so redundant, and the characters end up saying the same things to each other again and again. And thus the book is 700 pages long.

 I think the author tried to make this book darker with less jokes and happiness (?), but the atmosphere gets muddled because the same sentences are repeated over and over again. It goes “someone wants you to be alive so don't die”, “Don't kill yourself because someone might want you alive.” It's very shallow, very uninteresting. That brings me back to my point about the relationship where I feel like the main romantic relationship is not very healthy? I don't mind depicting unhealthy relationships in books usually. I don't mind moral depravity from time to time. But for a book that wants to make the prevention of suicide, toxic relationship, toxic familial relationship and toxic self-destruction, it centres a relationship I personally found codependent and unhealthy. Their dynamic was very Therapist/patient. Alano is CONSTANTLY saving Paz from himself until the very, very end when the book circles back to Alano and his struggles.

 So, I was left wondering: why does Alano like Paz? I know that you can't control love, that this is escapism, that this is a book, that it is not real life, bla bla bla. But honestly, I was so confused? Alano was so infatuated with Paz, and I couldn't see why. Why do they like each other? For Paz, it makes sense. It's still not healthy since he puts Alano on somewhat of a pedestal and I kept hoping that the book was going to call out this type of relationship as kind of toxic and unhealthy because of how dependant it is. You don't live for other people, you don't live just for one person, just for your partner, but it was only briefly categorized as bad and then moved on? Even at the end, these two boys are so isolated from other people their age and only truly have each other. And again, I wouldn't be so mad at the book if the book wasn't so adamant in being a moral lesson. Granted that was my interpretation of the text but I think it is justified because if it wasn't a moral lesson, then the characters would speak much more naturally to each other.

I already talked about the bad writing, but this extends to the dialogue, where it is so bad and unnatural and artificial, where it's goes “thank you for telling me this”, “it took a lot of courage for you to say this”. And I'm just like, yea these are the right things to say but rarely are 19 year olds so good with words. Every single  “deep” conversation goes like that. And so I can't help but think that this book is supposed to be a lesson to teach its readers how to talk properly, how to have the right gestures, what you should do when you’re faced with someone who has a lot of suicidal and self-harm tendencies. I interpreted it as a lesson, because that was all the dialogue suggested.

When it comes to subjects other than suicide and self- harm, the book is definitely lacking. I was willing to extend so much grace to this book because I like the author, first of all, but also because I kept telling myself a suicidal person reading this might find a lot of comfort in this book, might relate to Paz and just look for their Alano, and it might get them going. And so even if I personally wasn't that big of a fan of the book, I could still see how, if you're in a bad place, this book can help. 

I cannot forgive how this book treats loved ones of people who are struggling. I can't help but think about someone who is the friend of a suicidal person and so who might relate more to Alano than Paz. And if that's the case, Alano always the short end of the stick by the narrative of this book. It's actually kind of insane. The book is so hard on Alano, except maybe towards the end where he wants to do something bad to himself. 

There is a line in the book and maybe I'm overreacting— it’s  very possible that I am overreacting—that made me want to rip it apart. The context is that one of them self-harmed. It happened because they had a disagreement and one of them spiralled so he turned to self-harm. The passage goes 

“‘You self-harmed because of me’ [he] says, his voice cracking. It's not a question, but I can tell he wishes it was and that the answer was no. We both know better.” 

Now, when I read this line, I kept thinking this was going to be addressed because… you know… it's not his fault that the other self harms. it’s unfair to put the so much pressure to be perfect on you partner right? He did the best that he could. He helped. He was always sympathetic. He always tried his best and supported the other character. So this line is not completely legit right? It’s gonna get called out right?  It's going to say “No, it's not your fault that someone else harms themselves if you do everything to be supportive. You cannot fix all their issues. And you shouldn’t repress yourself for another person. Yes, your involvement might have triggered it but it's not only your fault you cannot put so much pressure on yourself” Well … Nah, it never gets called out. It's just here. And that line made me irrationally upset because while yes, I think as someone who deals with suicide, you might find a lot of comfort in this book. And I'm happy for you (it can also be triggering so be careful but) I’m glad you found something made for you. But I can't help but think about the friends/family members/partners who read this line and feel like they've failed because they’ve been in this situation. That line can just reignite their guilt. And I think it’s incredibly dangerous to write in a book like this. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychologist, but I can't help but think of these people who would just read this book, read this line, and be tell themselves “wow, maybe it really was my fault if they self-harmed because I said one bad thing in a day where I couldn't say anything else, because I didn't know.” Let's take it to the extreme, take someone who just said something bad to their best friend the day before they decided to kill themselves and then they read this line, and they feel guilty all over again. For a book that wants to have the moral high ground, that always says to suicidal people “it's not your fault.” “It's okay.” “You can get help” “seek therapy it’s good for you” It has so little empathy for the friends of the people who are suicidal and I cannot excuse this. 

Paz kept saying that Death-Cast ruined his life and I kept thinking, Did it? Did it REALLY? Would Death-Cast not being here change anything? REALLY? It’s not like Death-Cast kills people, it just tells them they are going to die. It does not induce death so is it REALLY their fault what happened to you? I’m not sure. I would blame the documentary more. Death-Cast didn’t make the documentary.

Also the “almost hit” incident? Hello??? why did he stay after that? Bro almost HIT you. He didn’t but he almost did. And you stayed?? and forgave so easily?? STAND UP!!!!

Im taking a second to appreciate the only character who deserves any right! the bodyguard. Dane sweetie you deserve better ❤️❤️

Another point: apart from Alano, and Paz we see only 5 other characters’ POV and they are very far between. I think it was a bad choice. I preferred his previous books that had a lot more characters because it broadened the scope of the story. This book despite being in part about Death Cast felt so much smaller than the other two books when it comes to expanding the world. In the other two books, there was a lot of interweaving between characters. And I liked that a lot. Here, the narrators are not strong enough to sustain 700 pages. And by the end of the book, I kept getting confused about who was talking. I actually thought this was a strength of the previous two books. You always knew who was talking because they had such distinct personality, such different ways to see the world and ways to interact with others. Here, they have no personality. Neither of them have a personality. And so when you read from their point of views, the only time I knew if it was Alano or Paz is because Alano kind of rambles sometimes?  when there is a precise date, I knew, okay, Alano is talking. But then, when they wouldn't mention a date I was like, wait, who's point of view is that? And because they have no personality, there is no distinction between one another.

The last thing I want to bring out is the clock. The symbol of the clock has always been very important in the previous two books because they only had one day, they only had 24 hours if that at all. That’s why the time at the beginning of each chapter was implemented in the story. It felt like a part of the story because you kept asking yourself when? when is it going to happen? if it's going to happen at all? and you also ask yourself, what is going to happen? How? when and how? As the day goes by you're start stressing. But here, why are we told the time? Why are we told the time of the day? We know he's not gonna die because he hasn't received a call. We KNOW Death cast is never wrong. So why try to create the suspense?

Since there is no time limit, I don't understand why they fell in love so quickly. In the previous two books, again, it makes sense that they fall in love in the day because that's all they have. But here, they have more. So why why are we acting like one of them is suddenly going to die? They are not. We know they're not going to. So why are they feeling so intensely for one another? Maybe I'm just not romantic enough?

Even if I despised this book I am gonng to read the 4th one. I am interested to know Alano’s story so i’m going to continue. I did not spend 700 pages reading this shit just to not read the rest, but this was a big disappointment. I think it's the biggest disappointment of the year. And I think it might be one of the worst book I've ever read. It’s 1.5 starts not only because it’s bad but because I expected better.

I'm sorry, Adam. I still like you. You seem like a cool dude, but this book was not it. Do get your bag though! I respect that!

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