A review by brennanaphone
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

3.0

When respect becomes the context for what you say, what you say is more likely to convey respect.

I read this book because it had been recommended as an additional resource alongside Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?, which blew my mind. This book focuses on the most common type of verbal abuse: women abused by their male partners. If you're looking for resources on other abusive dynamics (especially elder or child abuse), there's not much in here for that. If you're looking for a good way to recognize abuse for yourself and your loved ones when it comes to domestic situations, this is a great resource.

I really liked the way she framed abusers as living in a separate reality from their partners, one that involves gaining "Power Over" the other, while the partner is usually approaching conflict from a reality that imagines mutual respect and individual freedom. I think that cuts to the heart of the disconnect in these situations and takes away the idea that an abuser can be reasoned with or appeased using the correct combination of words.

I will say there was a weird gender essentialism thing in the middle that I didn't quite understand about how abusers are insufficiently bonded to their mothers or something. She didn't go into it much, and for the most part her discussion of the genderized problem of abuse was spot-on, so maybe if you get to that part about what she thinks makes abusers tick, just skim right over it and stick to the stuff she does know, which is their actions.