A review by emeelee
Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture--And What We Can Do about It by Kate Harding

5.0

[H]ow many rapes have been prevented, do you suppose, by young women looking out for each other? We only hear about it when the system breaks down, but young women all over this country, every damned night, are looking out for each other[...] They may not accept finger-wagging Puritanical bullshit about abstaining from alcohol and sex to protect themselves from violent crime, but young women are trying.
It would be great if they could get a little more help from men.

Kate Harding does not pull her punches: she names names and doesn't shy away from presenting the facts. This book was tough to read at times because it details sex crimes and the aftermath of those crimes very specifically. However, this isn’t done gratuitously; it’s to show exactly how rape myths contribute to miscarriage of justice and the emotional fallout that happens as a result. Some of the quotes Harding includes from law enforcement, judges, celebrities, news anchors, and online commenters are enough to turn your stomach and make you question humanity.

Most men, like most human beings in general, can easily distinguish between an abstract desire for sexual contact and an immediate, urgent desire to possess another person’s body without their consent[…] Rape is not a failure of “normal restraint” but of humanity. It’s not a “mistake” but a deliberate decision to treat another person like a soulless object.

Asking for It addresses the different pieces of American society and how they contribute to rape culture. The book is very well organized and well-written—Harding has a snappy tone and clear way of explaining complicated ideas. I was utterly hooked by her blunt way of presenting this emotion-laden topic. Harding addresses counter-arguments to some of her statements, and provides disclaimers for overly reductive statements (for example: recognizing that men can be victims and women perpetrators; that race and class can complicate this issue; that there are a small number of cases where people file false reports; etc).

[A] detective is meant to investigate the reported crime, not the person who brings it to their attention. If that investigation supports the conclusion that there was no crime, then sure, police should close the case and maybe even charge the “victim” with false reporting—just as they would if someone lied about being mugged or beaten or burgled. There are systems in place to handle the minority of people who waste police resources for their own inexplicable reasons. Nobody needs to reinvent the wheel for fabricated allegations of sex crimes.

Overall, this book is about how we as a society need to BELIEVE VICTIMS (which in this case usually means believing women). It’s about recognizing that our legal system fails when it comes to sex crimes and that there are steps that we can take to fix it. It’s about teaching people to respect consent and bodily autonomy as a necessary part of being a decent human being, and recognizing violations of consent and autonomy as a crime every time.

Practicing affirmative consent means being cognizant of how your partner’s responding to everything that happens, doing everything you can to make sure you’re both happy, and respecting the other person’s boundaries even when they conflict with your immediate desires.
In other words, it’s what decent people already do, without being told.
[…]Who would want a partner who’s not clearly expressing enthusiasm throughout the encounter? Someone who’s looking for a victim, not a partner, that’s who.