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A review by jeremychiasson
Are You My Mother?: A Comic Drama by Alison Bechdel
5.0
I really loved “Are You My Mother”, even more than “Fun Home”, but I know that I’m in the minority and SHOULD be in the minority. I realize that my idea of a good book is most people's nightmare—where there isn’t so much a series of well-plotted events, as there is an intense interior journey involving dream analysis, sifting through the past, with lots of talking and literary/psychoanalytic references. I guess both books had a lot of this, so why did “Are You My Mother” hit me harder?
As I read about Bechdel's peculiar dynamic with her mother—a kind of inverted relationship where Bechdel mothers her mother, where the daughter mirrors the parent instead of the other way around—I felt a shock of recognition. Bechdel draws on the work of Winnicott and Alice Miller in this memoir, and what Miller found was that when she analyzed people from helping professions there was a very common childhood history:
-There was a mother (or mothering figure) who was emotionally insecure and depended for her equilibrium on her child behaving in a particular way. The mother was able to hide this insecurity behind a facade of control and authority.
-The child had an amazing ability to perceive and respond intuitively/unconsciously to the needs of the mother/parent, in order to be able to pick up on the role they had been unconsciously assigned.
-This role secured “love” for the child—The child could sense they were needed, and that guaranteed them some measure of existential security.
Miller goes on to say: “Later these people not only become mothers (confidantes, comforters, advisers, supporters) of their own mothers, but also take over part responsibility for siblings and eventually develop a special sensitivity to unconscious signals manifesting in others. No wonder they often become psychotherapists later on.”
So basically, Alison Bechdel wrote a book about my life and my core psychological issues. I’m currently in therapy to break my habit of focusing on others needs (among other things), and I’ve actually turned the tables on my therapist. He is now confessing his imposter syndrome to me (“Am I even helping ANYONE?” Well buddy, if you are, it ain't me). So thank God for Bechdel, because I clearly need all the help I can get.
I really want to heal myself, I know it’s not healthy, and I have always had this weird sense of doom/unconscious knowing that this tendency will eventually manifest as a demobilizing disease like MS or ALS (I realize it’s a bit irrational, but we see some precedent for this in the work of Dr. Gabor Mate). Which was why I was particularly struck by Bechdel’s strange memory of playing “crippled child” with her mother. I also had this weird fascination/dread about being physically incapacitated as a kid, and it’s a surprisingly common thing among children who grow up in this parental dynamic. Lou Gehrig (of Lou Gehrig's disease) had an extreme self-denying dynamic with his mother as well.
The great cellist Jacqueline du Pre once told her sister as a little girl: “Don’t tell mum…but when I grow up I won’t be able to walk or move.” Eerily this prophecy was fulfilled, when Jacqueline’s career was cut short by multiple scelerosis at the age of 28. Like Bechdel, Jacqueline’s voice/feelings as a child were suffocated by her grieving mother’s needs, and it was only through her art that Jacqueline could find her voice. And like Bechdel she became convinced she was going to be “crippled”. What I think is interesting is that Bechdel DID tell her mom she was crippled, and her mom played along with her. Jacqueline du Pre couldn’t bring herself to risk the same (“don’t tell mum”). I think that’s likely why Bechdel was able to heal herself. She was able to “destroy” her mother, as Bechdel put it, and her mother survived that “destruction”. Jacqueline du Pre died at age 42.
So uh yeah…..kind of a dark review, but 5 stars for “Are You My Mother”!
As I read about Bechdel's peculiar dynamic with her mother—a kind of inverted relationship where Bechdel mothers her mother, where the daughter mirrors the parent instead of the other way around—I felt a shock of recognition. Bechdel draws on the work of Winnicott and Alice Miller in this memoir, and what Miller found was that when she analyzed people from helping professions there was a very common childhood history:
-There was a mother (or mothering figure) who was emotionally insecure and depended for her equilibrium on her child behaving in a particular way. The mother was able to hide this insecurity behind a facade of control and authority.
-The child had an amazing ability to perceive and respond intuitively/unconsciously to the needs of the mother/parent, in order to be able to pick up on the role they had been unconsciously assigned.
-This role secured “love” for the child—The child could sense they were needed, and that guaranteed them some measure of existential security.
Miller goes on to say: “Later these people not only become mothers (confidantes, comforters, advisers, supporters) of their own mothers, but also take over part responsibility for siblings and eventually develop a special sensitivity to unconscious signals manifesting in others. No wonder they often become psychotherapists later on.”
So basically, Alison Bechdel wrote a book about my life and my core psychological issues. I’m currently in therapy to break my habit of focusing on others needs (among other things), and I’ve actually turned the tables on my therapist. He is now confessing his imposter syndrome to me (“Am I even helping ANYONE?” Well buddy, if you are, it ain't me). So thank God for Bechdel, because I clearly need all the help I can get.
I really want to heal myself, I know it’s not healthy, and I have always had this weird sense of doom/unconscious knowing that this tendency will eventually manifest as a demobilizing disease like MS or ALS (I realize it’s a bit irrational, but we see some precedent for this in the work of Dr. Gabor Mate). Which was why I was particularly struck by Bechdel’s strange memory of playing “crippled child” with her mother. I also had this weird fascination/dread about being physically incapacitated as a kid, and it’s a surprisingly common thing among children who grow up in this parental dynamic. Lou Gehrig (of Lou Gehrig's disease) had an extreme self-denying dynamic with his mother as well.
The great cellist Jacqueline du Pre once told her sister as a little girl: “Don’t tell mum…but when I grow up I won’t be able to walk or move.” Eerily this prophecy was fulfilled, when Jacqueline’s career was cut short by multiple scelerosis at the age of 28. Like Bechdel, Jacqueline’s voice/feelings as a child were suffocated by her grieving mother’s needs, and it was only through her art that Jacqueline could find her voice. And like Bechdel she became convinced she was going to be “crippled”. What I think is interesting is that Bechdel DID tell her mom she was crippled, and her mom played along with her. Jacqueline du Pre couldn’t bring herself to risk the same (“don’t tell mum”). I think that’s likely why Bechdel was able to heal herself. She was able to “destroy” her mother, as Bechdel put it, and her mother survived that “destruction”. Jacqueline du Pre died at age 42.
So uh yeah…..kind of a dark review, but 5 stars for “Are You My Mother”!