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aprilmei 's review for:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--And Keep-- Love
by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller
I learned a lot more about my own attachment styles and got some helpful tips. I didn't appreciate the somewhat codependent advice and suggestions made, though. I think we need to feel secure and supported by ourselves first and to believe in ourselves first, before we go looking for someone else to "do" any of that. And they can't do it for us--they can contribute to us those things. Just like no one can "make" us happy. We make ourselves happy and they can contribute to us and add value to our lives. But if we're looking for it--needing happiness--from someone else, we're always going to be disappointed. I was happy to learn that while I still have some anxious tendencies, I also have more secure tendencies now. I appreciate all the opportunities that have provided me with practice and doing the work for myself to become even more aligned.
“In fact, the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her. These reactions are coined protest behavior, and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups. In prehistoric times, being close to a partner was a matter of life and death, and our attachment system developed to treat such proximity as an absolute necessity.” pg. 12
“Adult attachment theory teaches us that Karen’s basic assumption, that she can and should control her emotional needs and soothe herself in the face of stress, is simply wrong. She assumed the problem was that she is too needy. Research findings support the exact opposite. Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does. If Karen and Tim understood this, she would not feel ashamed of needing to hold his hand during the stress of a nationally televised race. For his part, Tim would have known that the simple gesture of holding Karen’s hand could give them the extra edge they needed to win. Indeed, if he knew that responding to her need early on, he would have had to devote less time to ‘putting out fires’ caused by her compounded distress later—he might have been inclined to hold her hand when he noticed that she was starting to get anxious, instead of waiting until she demanded it. What’s more, if Tim had been able to accept Karen’s support more readily, he would probably have bungee jumped sooner.” pg. 20-21
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, the usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the ‘dependency paradox’: The ore effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.” pg. 21
“It appears that as Bowlby speculated, attachment continues to play a major role throughout our entire lifespan. The difference is that adults are capable of a higher level of abstraction, so our need for the other person’s continuous physical presence can at times be temporarily replaced by the knowledge that the person is available to us psychologically and emotionally. But the bottom line is that the need for intimate connection and the reassurance of our partner’s availability continues to play an important role throughout our lives.” pg. 24
“Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.” pg. 26
“The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent?” pg. 27
“Well before brain imaging technology was developed, John Bowlby understood that our need for someone to share our lives with is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own. He discovered that once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit, which means that if she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well-being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.” pg. 28
“It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—this is the ‘dependency paradox.’ The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being throughly dependent on someone else? If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory.” pg. 29
“Mary Ainsworth was fascinated by the way in which children’s exploratory drive—their ability to play and learn—could be aroused or stifled by their mother’s presence or departure.
She found that having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.” pg. 30
“If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life. As in the strange situation test, when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.” pg. 31
“In dating situations, your thinking will shift from ‘Does he or she like me?’ to ‘Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?’ Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking yourself questions like: ‘How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?’ . . . Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her. Anything that doesn’t fit into this picture fades into the background. In the initial stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a positive direction.” pg. 50
“Golden Rules:
- Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.
- Assess how preoccupied s/he is with the relationship and how sensitive s/he is to rejection.
- Don’t rely on one ‘symptom,’ look for various signs.
- Assess his/her reaction to effective communication.
- Listen and look for what he or she is not saying or doing.” pg. 67
“As we mentioned in previous chapters, the attachment system is the mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. If you have an anxious attachment style, you possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened. Even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and once it’s activated, you are unable to clam down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe. People with other attachment styles also get activated, but they don’t pick up on subtle details that people with an anxious attachment style do.” pg. 79
“Once activated, they are often consumed with thoughts that have a single purpose: to reestablish closeness with their partner. These thoughts are called activating strategies.
Activating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner. Once he or she responds to you in a way that reestablishes security, you can revert back to your calm, normal self.” pg. 80
“Protest behavior and activating strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. It is very important to learn to recognize them when they happen. . . . These behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This means you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to push them out of your mind for a very long time.” pg. 88
“Intriguingly, they found that when women with an anxious attachment style thought about negative scenarios (conflict, breakup, death of partner), emotional-related areas of the brain became ‘lit up’ to a greater degree than in women with other attachment styles. What’s more, they found that regions of the brain associated with emotional regulation, such as the orbitofrontal cortex, were less activated than in women with other attachment styles. In other words, the brains of people with anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and at the same time under-recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions. This means that once your attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to ‘turn it off’ if you have an anxious attachment style.” pg. 89
“Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. ‘Still waters run deep’ is a good way of characterizing it.” pg. 93
“If you’re anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be ‘the one’ because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.” pg. 96
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.” pg. 97
“We suggest a completely different approach. It stems from the understanding that you—given your anxious attachment style—have certain clear needs in a relationship. If those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting ‘needy’ or ‘dependent.’ Don’t be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.” pg. 99
“”A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner.” pg. 116
“As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations—if they’re inconsistent or evasive—you automatically lose interest.” pg. 142
“Finding the Right Partner - the Secure Way
The principles we advocate throughout this book for finding the right partner are employed intuitively by people with a secure attachment style. They include:
- Spotting ‘smoking guns’ very early on and treating them as deal breakers.
- Effectively communicating your needs from day one.
- Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!) potential partners who could make you happy.
- Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves.
- Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.” pg. 144
“Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when your need for intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner, your satisfaction level will rise. Incongruent intimacy needs, on the other hand, usually translate into substantially lower satisfaction. When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue. We call this situation the ‘anxious-avoidant trap,’ because like a trap, you fall into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard to break free.
The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities.” pg. 156-157
“Examples of Secure Principles
- Be available.
- Don’t interfere.
- Act encouragingly.
- Communicate effectively.
- Don’t play games.
- View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being.
- Wear your heart on your sleeve—be courageous and honest in your interactions.
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
- Don’t make generalizations during conflict.
- Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire—attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate.” pg. 174-175
“Understanding that your continual arguments actually have a hidden subtext to them—that they genuinely are irresolvable—changes your perception of your own role dramatically. Once you understand that your partner will always find areas of contention as a way of maintaining distance and that s/he will always need to withdraw, no matter whom s/he is with—you will no longer blame yourself or the relationship problems.” pg. 190
“The Inner Circle When You’re Treated Like Royalty
- Your well-being comes second to none,
- You are confided in first.
- Your opinion matters most.
- You feel admired and protected.
- Your need for closeness is rewarded with even more closeness.” pg. 207
“Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.” pg. 211
“The Five Principles of Effective Communication
1. Wear your heart on your sleeve.
2. Focus on your needs.
3. Be specific.
4. Don’t blame.
5. Be assertive and nonapologetic.” pg. 235-236
“Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
4. Be willing to engage.
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.” pg. 245
“For the anxious, conflict can trigger very basic concerns about their partner’s responsiveness to their needs and about rejection or abandonment. When a dispute arises, they experience many negative thoughts and react by using protest behavior, aimed at getting their partner’s attention. They may make strong accusations, cry, or give their partner the silent treatment. Fearful that their partner is likely to be inattentive to their needs, they feel they need to really leave their mark in order to be heard. Their response, though often dramatic, is usually ineffective.” pg. 252-253
Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.
“In fact, the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her. These reactions are coined protest behavior, and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups. In prehistoric times, being close to a partner was a matter of life and death, and our attachment system developed to treat such proximity as an absolute necessity.” pg. 12
“Adult attachment theory teaches us that Karen’s basic assumption, that she can and should control her emotional needs and soothe herself in the face of stress, is simply wrong. She assumed the problem was that she is too needy. Research findings support the exact opposite. Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does. If Karen and Tim understood this, she would not feel ashamed of needing to hold his hand during the stress of a nationally televised race. For his part, Tim would have known that the simple gesture of holding Karen’s hand could give them the extra edge they needed to win. Indeed, if he knew that responding to her need early on, he would have had to devote less time to ‘putting out fires’ caused by her compounded distress later—he might have been inclined to hold her hand when he noticed that she was starting to get anxious, instead of waiting until she demanded it. What’s more, if Tim had been able to accept Karen’s support more readily, he would probably have bungee jumped sooner.” pg. 20-21
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, the usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the ‘dependency paradox’: The ore effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.” pg. 21
“It appears that as Bowlby speculated, attachment continues to play a major role throughout our entire lifespan. The difference is that adults are capable of a higher level of abstraction, so our need for the other person’s continuous physical presence can at times be temporarily replaced by the knowledge that the person is available to us psychologically and emotionally. But the bottom line is that the need for intimate connection and the reassurance of our partner’s availability continues to play an important role throughout our lives.” pg. 24
“Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.” pg. 26
“The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent?” pg. 27
“Well before brain imaging technology was developed, John Bowlby understood that our need for someone to share our lives with is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own. He discovered that once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit, which means that if she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well-being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.” pg. 28
“It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—this is the ‘dependency paradox.’ The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being throughly dependent on someone else? If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory.” pg. 29
“Mary Ainsworth was fascinated by the way in which children’s exploratory drive—their ability to play and learn—could be aroused or stifled by their mother’s presence or departure.
She found that having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.” pg. 30
“If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life. As in the strange situation test, when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.” pg. 31
“In dating situations, your thinking will shift from ‘Does he or she like me?’ to ‘Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?’ Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking yourself questions like: ‘How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?’ . . . Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her. Anything that doesn’t fit into this picture fades into the background. In the initial stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a positive direction.” pg. 50
“Golden Rules:
- Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.
- Assess how preoccupied s/he is with the relationship and how sensitive s/he is to rejection.
- Don’t rely on one ‘symptom,’ look for various signs.
- Assess his/her reaction to effective communication.
- Listen and look for what he or she is not saying or doing.” pg. 67
“As we mentioned in previous chapters, the attachment system is the mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. If you have an anxious attachment style, you possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened. Even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and once it’s activated, you are unable to clam down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe. People with other attachment styles also get activated, but they don’t pick up on subtle details that people with an anxious attachment style do.” pg. 79
“Once activated, they are often consumed with thoughts that have a single purpose: to reestablish closeness with their partner. These thoughts are called activating strategies.
Activating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner. Once he or she responds to you in a way that reestablishes security, you can revert back to your calm, normal self.” pg. 80
“Protest behavior and activating strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. It is very important to learn to recognize them when they happen. . . . These behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This means you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to push them out of your mind for a very long time.” pg. 88
“Intriguingly, they found that when women with an anxious attachment style thought about negative scenarios (conflict, breakup, death of partner), emotional-related areas of the brain became ‘lit up’ to a greater degree than in women with other attachment styles. What’s more, they found that regions of the brain associated with emotional regulation, such as the orbitofrontal cortex, were less activated than in women with other attachment styles. In other words, the brains of people with anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and at the same time under-recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions. This means that once your attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to ‘turn it off’ if you have an anxious attachment style.” pg. 89
“Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. ‘Still waters run deep’ is a good way of characterizing it.” pg. 93
“If you’re anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be ‘the one’ because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.” pg. 96
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.” pg. 97
“We suggest a completely different approach. It stems from the understanding that you—given your anxious attachment style—have certain clear needs in a relationship. If those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting ‘needy’ or ‘dependent.’ Don’t be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.” pg. 99
“”A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner.” pg. 116
“As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations—if they’re inconsistent or evasive—you automatically lose interest.” pg. 142
“Finding the Right Partner - the Secure Way
The principles we advocate throughout this book for finding the right partner are employed intuitively by people with a secure attachment style. They include:
- Spotting ‘smoking guns’ very early on and treating them as deal breakers.
- Effectively communicating your needs from day one.
- Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!) potential partners who could make you happy.
- Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves.
- Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.” pg. 144
“Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when your need for intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner, your satisfaction level will rise. Incongruent intimacy needs, on the other hand, usually translate into substantially lower satisfaction. When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue. We call this situation the ‘anxious-avoidant trap,’ because like a trap, you fall into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard to break free.
The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities.” pg. 156-157
“Examples of Secure Principles
- Be available.
- Don’t interfere.
- Act encouragingly.
- Communicate effectively.
- Don’t play games.
- View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being.
- Wear your heart on your sleeve—be courageous and honest in your interactions.
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
- Don’t make generalizations during conflict.
- Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire—attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate.” pg. 174-175
“Understanding that your continual arguments actually have a hidden subtext to them—that they genuinely are irresolvable—changes your perception of your own role dramatically. Once you understand that your partner will always find areas of contention as a way of maintaining distance and that s/he will always need to withdraw, no matter whom s/he is with—you will no longer blame yourself or the relationship problems.” pg. 190
“The Inner Circle When You’re Treated Like Royalty
- Your well-being comes second to none,
- You are confided in first.
- Your opinion matters most.
- You feel admired and protected.
- Your need for closeness is rewarded with even more closeness.” pg. 207
“Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.” pg. 211
“The Five Principles of Effective Communication
1. Wear your heart on your sleeve.
2. Focus on your needs.
3. Be specific.
4. Don’t blame.
5. Be assertive and nonapologetic.” pg. 235-236
“Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
4. Be willing to engage.
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.” pg. 245
“For the anxious, conflict can trigger very basic concerns about their partner’s responsiveness to their needs and about rejection or abandonment. When a dispute arises, they experience many negative thoughts and react by using protest behavior, aimed at getting their partner’s attention. They may make strong accusations, cry, or give their partner the silent treatment. Fearful that their partner is likely to be inattentive to their needs, they feel they need to really leave their mark in order to be heard. Their response, though often dramatic, is usually ineffective.” pg. 252-253
Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.