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A review by dayoldtea
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft, JAC Patrissi
5.0
This is an invaluable resource for modeling what actual genuine change would look like in a toxic relationship -- which is a bucket of cold water to the face for women who are used to illusory promises to change from their destructive partners. The book is written very carefully to avoid the impression that the solution is to end the relationship immediately because so many women in destructive relationships are terrified of drastic change. It's also realistic about the probability that a destructive man will change (very low) and in its portrayal of the resulting relationship dynamic (years of grief and pain, but at least you didn't get divorced?).
As someone who wasn't in the target audience, it was mind-boggling to contemplate continuing to put in enormous amounts of emotional, spiritual, psychological, and actual labor to attempt to Fix A Man. To me, detaching, safety planning, investing that energy in yourself, and leaving is obviously the best move. The book moves in that direction toward the end, which is a natural progression of this process. If a woman in one of these relationships has done the earlier exercises, she probably realizes that detachment is the healthiest option for her.
As a shortcut for this whole cycle - get emotionally healthy yourself; trust red flags and leave at the first sign of serious issues; break up or divorce immediately when you encounter deal breakers.
As someone who wasn't in the target audience, it was mind-boggling to contemplate continuing to put in enormous amounts of emotional, spiritual, psychological, and actual labor to attempt to Fix A Man. To me, detaching, safety planning, investing that energy in yourself, and leaving is obviously the best move. The book moves in that direction toward the end, which is a natural progression of this process. If a woman in one of these relationships has done the earlier exercises, she probably realizes that detachment is the healthiest option for her.
As a shortcut for this whole cycle - get emotionally healthy yourself; trust red flags and leave at the first sign of serious issues; break up or divorce immediately when you encounter deal breakers.