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This provides a readable, non-academic look at the neurology of attachment and how it manifests in relationships, primarily spouse/partner. I feel it also has implications for how we interact with our children, as their neuropathways for attachment and relationships are developing. In other words, how we lover our family, and how we permit love to be enacted in our homes, impacts how our children will do this long after they grow up and start homes and families of their own.
Perceptions and inner thoughts are paramount in the discussion of attachment and relationships. Tatkin notes, "The feeling of closeness is subjective. That is, how close you feel to your partner, and how safe you feel, both take place within you. You may feel very close to your partner, but he or she isn't likely to know how you feel unless you say so." In other words, its all in your head, but then, so is EVERYTHING in life. Wow, doesn't just bring back the train depot scene in Deathly Hallows Part 2 when Harry and Dumbledore discuss what is only in Harry's mind?!
While this book definitely has the self-help feel of a relationship book, it has just enough plain-spoken neurobiology to keep it interesting. And flat out common sense, such as "Because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired." Basically, the neuroadaptive behaviors we learn as children will rise to the forefront when we are feeling unsafe as adults. We can learn to identify it and attempt to intervene in our instinctive behaviors to grow more positive relationships, but we are really dealing with our internal selves here as much (or maybe more than) we are dealing with our partner and their past/present.
He spends most of the book discussing attachment styles - he calls them anchors, islands, and waves - and how they play out in relationships. The key take away for me was that we should understand our own attachment style and neurological tendencies well enough to know how to manage our actions and words when they are triggered by our more primitive and instinctive responses. And isn't that always a good skill for us to practice - in spousal relationships, in parenting, and even in our work relationships.
Perceptions and inner thoughts are paramount in the discussion of attachment and relationships. Tatkin notes, "The feeling of closeness is subjective. That is, how close you feel to your partner, and how safe you feel, both take place within you. You may feel very close to your partner, but he or she isn't likely to know how you feel unless you say so." In other words, its all in your head, but then, so is EVERYTHING in life. Wow, doesn't just bring back the train depot scene in Deathly Hallows Part 2 when Harry and Dumbledore discuss what is only in Harry's mind?!
While this book definitely has the self-help feel of a relationship book, it has just enough plain-spoken neurobiology to keep it interesting. And flat out common sense, such as "Because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired." Basically, the neuroadaptive behaviors we learn as children will rise to the forefront when we are feeling unsafe as adults. We can learn to identify it and attempt to intervene in our instinctive behaviors to grow more positive relationships, but we are really dealing with our internal selves here as much (or maybe more than) we are dealing with our partner and their past/present.
He spends most of the book discussing attachment styles - he calls them anchors, islands, and waves - and how they play out in relationships. The key take away for me was that we should understand our own attachment style and neurological tendencies well enough to know how to manage our actions and words when they are triggered by our more primitive and instinctive responses. And isn't that always a good skill for us to practice - in spousal relationships, in parenting, and even in our work relationships.