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A review by jenius_reads
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan
1.0
This book was recommended by my daughter’s counselor. They admittedly hadn’t read it, but had other clients who recommended it. My daughters have been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and have SPD. This book was definitely not written with those in mind. I gave this book and honest chance, but ultimately would not recommend it to any parent.
The author is a clinical psychologist. His method is when your child does something wrong you simply start counting. If they don’t stop the behavior by the time you count to 3, you send them to their room. The first half to two thirds of this book is over-explaining this concept. He briefly talks about praising good behavior at the end of the book.
Pros: The author talks about how children are not mini adults, logic and reasoning often do not work when your child is very upset, praise should outnumber negative comments, the importance of a bedtime routine, the importance of listening sympathetically, and involving kids in problem solving through family meetings. These are the only good things I really got from the book and these are all common sense, surface level parenting tips.
Cons: The author seems really out of touch with how kids feel and think. He focuses on eliminating and controlling “obnoxious behaviors”, but not getting to the root of them. His reasoning for his methods are to have a “less obnoxious child” and a “peaceful household”, not to raise an emotionally healthy and well rounded child. Part of his method is to basically give your child three warnings, without explanation, and then send them to their room or other safe place. Once they are done in there for the set amount of time you do not discuss what they did wrong. This does not teach them what to do, this only teaches them what not to do. He says “discuss problems, count attacks”, but doesn’t acknowledge that those “attacks” are often because a child doesn’t know how to verbalize the problem they’re having.
When talking about how to use this method in a store, he actually suggests leaving the child (if they’re old enough) at the registers or at customer service while the parent finishes their shopping! This is absolutely not ok, like ever. A child is not the responsibility of the store employees.
He is also frequently condescending when speaking about children saying they are “basically nuts”, that “childhood is a period of transitory psychosis” (a quote he attributes to “another writer”, but I only found it being attributed to him), and referring to children as monsters, terrorists, devils, etc… He states that children find their parents anger and frustration “satisfying”. Most often, children find their parents anger and frustration sad, scary, and confusing.
The biggest problem I had was when he was talking about manipulation. He says that when kids say things like “that’s unfair” or “no one likes me” they’re using martyrdom manipulation. Most of the time though, kids genuinely feel like what is happening is unfair or that someone doesn’t like them. Even if it’s not true, they are still feeling that way. It is our job to help them through those emotions, not just assume they are trying to manipulate us. Then he goes on to talk about if a child says something suicidal to not always take it seriously based off of if the child is generally happy. This was the biggest red flag for me. I have seen first hand what that kind of thinking can lead to. Suicidal ideation should *always* be taken seriously, even if you think the child is generally happy.
Being a clinical psychologist, he has some very outdated and downright dangerous ideals and advice. While some of the tips in this book are ok, they can definitely be found in other parenting books that don’t also have his outdated ideals.
The author is a clinical psychologist. His method is when your child does something wrong you simply start counting. If they don’t stop the behavior by the time you count to 3, you send them to their room. The first half to two thirds of this book is over-explaining this concept. He briefly talks about praising good behavior at the end of the book.
Pros: The author talks about how children are not mini adults, logic and reasoning often do not work when your child is very upset, praise should outnumber negative comments, the importance of a bedtime routine, the importance of listening sympathetically, and involving kids in problem solving through family meetings. These are the only good things I really got from the book and these are all common sense, surface level parenting tips.
Cons: The author seems really out of touch with how kids feel and think. He focuses on eliminating and controlling “obnoxious behaviors”, but not getting to the root of them. His reasoning for his methods are to have a “less obnoxious child” and a “peaceful household”, not to raise an emotionally healthy and well rounded child. Part of his method is to basically give your child three warnings, without explanation, and then send them to their room or other safe place. Once they are done in there for the set amount of time you do not discuss what they did wrong. This does not teach them what to do, this only teaches them what not to do. He says “discuss problems, count attacks”, but doesn’t acknowledge that those “attacks” are often because a child doesn’t know how to verbalize the problem they’re having.
When talking about how to use this method in a store, he actually suggests leaving the child (if they’re old enough) at the registers or at customer service while the parent finishes their shopping! This is absolutely not ok, like ever. A child is not the responsibility of the store employees.
He is also frequently condescending when speaking about children saying they are “basically nuts”, that “childhood is a period of transitory psychosis” (a quote he attributes to “another writer”, but I only found it being attributed to him), and referring to children as monsters, terrorists, devils, etc… He states that children find their parents anger and frustration “satisfying”. Most often, children find their parents anger and frustration sad, scary, and confusing.
The biggest problem I had was when he was talking about manipulation. He says that when kids say things like “that’s unfair” or “no one likes me” they’re using martyrdom manipulation. Most of the time though, kids genuinely feel like what is happening is unfair or that someone doesn’t like them. Even if it’s not true, they are still feeling that way. It is our job to help them through those emotions, not just assume they are trying to manipulate us. Then he goes on to talk about if a child says something suicidal to not always take it seriously based off of if the child is generally happy. This was the biggest red flag for me. I have seen first hand what that kind of thinking can lead to. Suicidal ideation should *always* be taken seriously, even if you think the child is generally happy.
Being a clinical psychologist, he has some very outdated and downright dangerous ideals and advice. While some of the tips in this book are ok, they can definitely be found in other parenting books that don’t also have his outdated ideals.