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Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
by Pamela Druckerman
I read a lot of parenting books when my baby was born, advocating for different techniques including attachment parenting, "crying it out," feeding on demand or feeding on a schedule, but this book was the one that seemed to hit home for me the most. I appreciate the balance, the assessment of children, and the values. I like the approach to children's playtime and alone time, and recognizing that mothers have other roles besides being a mother, and that it's important to show that to their children. In this book, Druckerman describes her observations of parenting while she was living in Paris, and explains how French families achieve balance and sanity in their lives with confident, patient children and classy, sophisticated mothers.
French parents don't advocate for letting babies "cry it out" for long periods at time, but they take a pause to assess their babies and determine the need before picking them up. The explain things to their young children and make their expectations clear. They believe babies to be rational beings that absolutely can learn things. They believe in giving children some alone time for occasional boredom in order to foster creativity, and allowing play that isn't structured and directed by the parent. French children have patience and self-control, and have learned delayed gratification and the importance of waiting. They have structure and limits, and most of all learn to cope with frustration. While French parents care deeply about their children and take this role seriously, they do not treat their children like the center of the universe. They value adult time keeping rooms in their home toy-free. "The child must learn, from a very young age, that he's not alone in the world, and that there's a time for everything." French parents spend time away from their children without guilt. Mothers lose the baby weight and maintain their identity. During pregnancy, French woman are calm and happy, and practice moderation, in contrast to the sometimes anxious and worrisome Americans. "The French way requires a paradigm shift. I'm so used to believing that everything revolves around the kids. Being more 'French' means moving the center of gravity away from them and letting my own needs spread out a bit, too."
This book reminds us not to rush the developmental milestones, but to allow kids to experience and appreciate their childhood. The French teach their preschool aged children to speak, problem-solving, and empathize, while reading isn't emphasized until the first grade level. Kids are allowed to "awaken," to discover their surroundings and just enjoy being in the world. In France, it's important that kids learn to say please, thank you, hello, and goodbye to adults. The French emphasize patients and allow children to cope with some frustration, and as a result the French children aren't seen throwing temper tantrums like the American children. The French see no problem at all with daycare centers, and even mothers who don't work will have their kids enrolled in daycare. Kids can learn to like a wide variety of foods from a young age. The book teaches parents to emphasize the interesting tastes and textures of "adult" foods, and to keep reintroducing them if the kids don't like them at first.
I plan to apply a lot of these concepts in my own parenting technique. It was so reassuring to hear French women's views about gender equality and the balance of household tasks. While the mothers often do more of the work (like everywhere in the world), they assume their partner is doing his best, and that he's just not capable of keeping track of everything like women do. They emphasize the importance of the marital relationship, even with kids. The fact that the "guilt complex" over spending time away from kids and the tendency to quit a career to raise children are not universal concepts gives me reassurance as a mother. Being a mother is the most important role that I have, but it's not my complete identity, and that's okay. In some ways I will continue to be a very American mother (breast-feeding, playing on the playground with my kids, and probably allows toys to spill over into every room of the house), but I also plan to incorporate some aspects of what French parents do well. Every parent needs to find his or her own approach and strategy, which is often a blend of many philosophies, but it seems that the French are doing a lot of the right things.
Overall I found this book to be insightful and balanced. Included in the back of the book is a list of parenting tips like avoiding "dressing like a mother," not playing referee to sibling rivalry, saying "no" with conviction, and diversifying a child's diet. Druckerman also includes a list of recipes from the Parisian crèche (daycare). There are some questions that remain unanswered. For example, how much autonomy is a good thing, and how much is too much? Same for praise? But maybe these questions don't have clear answers.
French parents don't advocate for letting babies "cry it out" for long periods at time, but they take a pause to assess their babies and determine the need before picking them up. The explain things to their young children and make their expectations clear. They believe babies to be rational beings that absolutely can learn things. They believe in giving children some alone time for occasional boredom in order to foster creativity, and allowing play that isn't structured and directed by the parent. French children have patience and self-control, and have learned delayed gratification and the importance of waiting. They have structure and limits, and most of all learn to cope with frustration. While French parents care deeply about their children and take this role seriously, they do not treat their children like the center of the universe. They value adult time keeping rooms in their home toy-free. "The child must learn, from a very young age, that he's not alone in the world, and that there's a time for everything." French parents spend time away from their children without guilt. Mothers lose the baby weight and maintain their identity. During pregnancy, French woman are calm and happy, and practice moderation, in contrast to the sometimes anxious and worrisome Americans. "The French way requires a paradigm shift. I'm so used to believing that everything revolves around the kids. Being more 'French' means moving the center of gravity away from them and letting my own needs spread out a bit, too."
This book reminds us not to rush the developmental milestones, but to allow kids to experience and appreciate their childhood. The French teach their preschool aged children to speak, problem-solving, and empathize, while reading isn't emphasized until the first grade level. Kids are allowed to "awaken," to discover their surroundings and just enjoy being in the world. In France, it's important that kids learn to say please, thank you, hello, and goodbye to adults. The French emphasize patients and allow children to cope with some frustration, and as a result the French children aren't seen throwing temper tantrums like the American children. The French see no problem at all with daycare centers, and even mothers who don't work will have their kids enrolled in daycare. Kids can learn to like a wide variety of foods from a young age. The book teaches parents to emphasize the interesting tastes and textures of "adult" foods, and to keep reintroducing them if the kids don't like them at first.
I plan to apply a lot of these concepts in my own parenting technique. It was so reassuring to hear French women's views about gender equality and the balance of household tasks. While the mothers often do more of the work (like everywhere in the world), they assume their partner is doing his best, and that he's just not capable of keeping track of everything like women do. They emphasize the importance of the marital relationship, even with kids. The fact that the "guilt complex" over spending time away from kids and the tendency to quit a career to raise children are not universal concepts gives me reassurance as a mother. Being a mother is the most important role that I have, but it's not my complete identity, and that's okay. In some ways I will continue to be a very American mother (breast-feeding, playing on the playground with my kids, and probably allows toys to spill over into every room of the house), but I also plan to incorporate some aspects of what French parents do well. Every parent needs to find his or her own approach and strategy, which is often a blend of many philosophies, but it seems that the French are doing a lot of the right things.
Overall I found this book to be insightful and balanced. Included in the back of the book is a list of parenting tips like avoiding "dressing like a mother," not playing referee to sibling rivalry, saying "no" with conviction, and diversifying a child's diet. Druckerman also includes a list of recipes from the Parisian crèche (daycare). There are some questions that remain unanswered. For example, how much autonomy is a good thing, and how much is too much? Same for praise? But maybe these questions don't have clear answers.