A review by strawbself
Dancing at the Pity Party by Tyler Feder

emotional reflective sad medium-paced

tyler's story of grief and adaptation tugged on my heartstrings and made me ponder my own mortality and the mortality of my loved ones (including my cat). i have yet to experience the loss of a friend, sibling, parent, or close family member so i don't know what that feeling is like but tyler's descriptions helped me feel more prepared for whenever that day comes. i definitely learned about how to actually comfort someone who is grieving because like tyler explains, it's impossible to know what is comforting during that time unless you've endured that kind of loss yourself. i loved the description of the sitting shiva and i feel like everyone should have an amount of time to grieve without leaving the house, dancing, singing, crying, hugging those who love you, and endless amounts of comfort food. the memoir also made me think about what i want when i die: i want to be buried in something that will easily decompose in a conservation burial ground so that my physical body can give it nutrients back to the earth. i definitely had caitlin doughty's musings about the not entirely healthy culture around death we have in the united states and i feel as though tyler's memoir is the perfect example of how to combat that culture. it is necessary to talk about death and that open conversation will benefit us all.

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Cancer, Death, and Grief

now for the not-so-surface-level thoughts i had whilst reading this book that i want to remember and are definitely a form of oversharing so you don't have to keep reading this unless you're me: i had one moment while i was reading that made me think about all the times i have been suicidal and how it would impact the people in my life if i had ever or did ever succeed in taking my own life. then i turned to my to-read bookshelf filled with all the books i still haven't read and i thought "well i can't die until i read all those books" and then i started thinking about all the shows and movies i want to watch, all the music my favorite artists will put out that i won't get to listen to, all my favorite musicians i still need to see live, and the vegan dumplings i have currently in the fridge that i want to eat tomorrow. just one small thing to live for is enough. it put into perspective that even the experiences and traumas that are unbearable are temporary. mistakes are temporary. i want to live a life full of art and food and cuddles from people and cats. this memoir also made me think a lot about my mom. we have a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship as she abused me for as much of my life as she showered me with love. i still have a lot of complicated and confusing emotions to work through regarding our relationship and i couldn't help but feel jealous that even though tyler lost her mother she could be certain that her mother had loved her with every fiber of her being. i don't have that certainty. i don't have a bunch of happy memories of my mom; i have a bunch of painful ones of her hurting me more than anyone else ever could or ever has. i have hope that our relationship will change for the better as i become an adult and she has to cope with all her children, her self-declared purpose in life, leaving her to be their own persons and live lives she cannot control anymore. i have already seen glimmers of this hope becoming realized but i don't think she will ever apologize and take responsibility for her actions which will mean that i will always harbor these unpredictable, melancholic feelings. i can love her and feel anger towards her at the same time and that's okay. i cannot relate to those who are friends with their mothers and that's okay. the human existence is rich and beautiful and complex and difficult and temporary and that is okay.